Fuck: I'm Losing a baby

Hi guys

I haven’t written in this space for a while or very consistently. I notice I do it for me, when I need to, rather than on a content schedule. Not good for growth, but far better for my soul.

I have also been spending some more time over at www.iloveyoumorethanmarzipan.com where myself and my mum have been sharing how we feel about mums Stage 4 lung cancer. Emotions have been on pause on that also for a while. Sometimes life just carries on and you don’t have a second to disect it all. Sometimes life just happens so quickly and you do not have time to blog it, vlog it, podcast it, instastory, caption, youtube it. Sometimes you just gotta live it.

But today, today I need to disect some things and get my emotions down on paper before I forget them.

I have shared a lot of the actual reality and practicals of whats happened over the last month over on Episode 1 of my Podcast “Fuck Fuck Fuck: This is Life” (I will post this on Sunday evening) A podcast for women that do NOT have their shit together, but here is a safer space to perhaps get a bit deeper in how I feel.

On the 31st of March, Mothers day, I did two pregnancy tests with my mum in tow and we found out I was pregnant. It was a happy day. We had begun trying, albeit once, and the news was clearly a little miracle in a dark time. The whole family felt good. We buzzed off this for the next month ang got ecstatically happy.

Then last Tuesday we found out we were miscarrying. We were 10 weeks to the gestation day. We were blissfully happy with our little miracle.

We called it lentil and we begun making plans.

People don't talk about miscarriage a lot I’ve noticed. When looking online for “How I should/might/could feel” or “What to expect” or “unlikely thoughts you have” there's just not the info out there. It’s like it’s taboo to discuss losing a baby, which in turn makes you feel like it’s unusual or weird or that YOU are fucked up in some way that you coudn’’t stay pregnant.

There’s lots of "formal" sites that tell you what to expect (in vague) terms. But despite 1 in 5 women who miscarry there's just not a lot of people discussing it. What it feels like. What thoughts it brings up. What emotions you become aware of and what attachments you make to silly things like having  a Xmas baby or being gorgeously fat during the summer & on our honeymoon. 

You hear that people feel it's their fault and that even though it’s not, you may over think that dead-lift you did a few weeks ago or the times you drank when u dint know u were preggo yet. You question. Fuck was that what did it?

But, despite that my body "seems" like it let me down. I know it hasn't. How clever of it to know it wasn't the right time. The right baby for us. The right set of chromosomes. How amazing that the body knew that something went wrong & it let us part ways now. Making us ready for our family that comes when it comes at the right time. 

There's so many ways to perceive a situation. I'm not saying its easy for everyone to make peace with what feels like a cruel circumstance. We were lucky. We had sex once and we fell pregnant. I may be feeling very different if we had tried for years. But I can only share my story. From my view point. If you're here for it. This is how I feel.

I feel physically shit. My body feels like it’s done 10 rounds with Mike Tyson (showing my age, couldn’t think of that young boxer everyone fancies lol) Anthony… yes Anthony Joshua! I feel like I am going through the worst period I’ve ever had and I know it’s going to get worse. The doc informed me, “oh no, this won’t feel like a period, it will feel a lot worse” AH great. That’s good then isn’t it.

Life still continues whilst you are going about your business and you are losing your baby. Seems mad. Seems mad that I am posting on Instagram and talking about my body and I am yet to discuss what is really going on as we speak. I find that difficult because I (over) share, a lot :) I feel like I speak to whoever watches insta stories, daily, I ramble and bumble away and it feels like I am lying to just skip over something so serious that is going on with me this very second. I am miscarrying out baby and I need to speak about it.

Some would say this is cruel. Cancer AND a miscarriage in the space of a few months. I don’t know. Of course I had that thought on the day. A bit like “really universe? Really?” but I don’t believe it works like that. I am not being punished. It’s just life. This. is. life. For some reason this was not the right time or baby. Ya know how in all those corny films the parents of a new baby say “thanks for choosing us to be your parents.” Well i guess, we weren’t chosen this time. And that’s OK.

You do have these thoughts that perhaps it’s our fault somehow. You do wonder what you could have done different. I felt for 5 minutes that J may blame me secretly or that he would wonder if it were me, if he thought I shouldn’t have gone to the gym or I shoudn’’t have missed taking my folic acid on one of the days. Of course, he didn’t think that, not once, or if he did, he knew it was probably irrational and not to share it.

We both have had those insecure worrying thoughts. But we have moved passed them pretty quickly. They didn’t serve us well. So instead we are being positive about the future and our little family that we hope to grow.

The moments of impatience are now there. Before we fell pregnant I was in no rush. The baby would come when it came and I had no expectations of how long it would take us. It was a shock it had been so quick. But now. Oh dear, now I feel it. The rush. I want to be pregnant now. Oh how I would really love to be pregnant now. And if I can’t have my Christmas baby then a Christmas bump would be amazing. But that kind of pressure is nuts. I don’t want to lose the ease we had with trying last time. I don’t want it to feel forced. I hope we can let go of the “need” because we do not “need” to have this baby “now” We need to just be well, and content and happy. We need to just love our lives.

It has bought us closer together. Its a sadness that only we share. Not even the sadness about mum can J really relate to the same as me. It feels like my pain and that has been rocky at times. Whereas this feels like “our” upset. “Our” loss. “Our” moment in time that will forever connect us. He has been nothing short of the wonderful human I always knew he was. Hes watched the doc put a long dildo shaped object covered in lube and a condom in me whilst the miscarriage was confirmed to have happened a couple of weeks back. Hes done my vitamins every night (or I’d forget) he’s grabbed me pain killers, let me ball, let me throw my breakfast on the floor. He’ s held me, made me laugh, watched copious amounts of Game Of Thrones with me, cooked dinner for me and he has been with me in making peace with what has happened. He has truly been my favourite person and the husband that I needed this week.

So now, now we wait. Whilst my body goes through this and it takes the beating because that is how amazing our bodies are. They are resilient. It’s easy to forget just how amazing our bodies can be when Cancer has taken over and that resentment draws close. But really, we forget what wonders the body can do. It knew when something was wrong and it will allow me to pass this pregnancy and hopefully it will allow me to get pregnant again. We cannot do anything else now other than just let this go and move forward, I am really not saying everyone should or can nor am I saying it’s easy to let go in a short space of time, but for us, this is what we feel and this is what we want to do. Move through this one step at a time. As calmly as possible, in gratitude that we have each other to go through it together. Gosh I sound like I’m trying to be Oprah lol. Forgive me. If you need to go scream into a pillow for 3 months. Do. Do what you need to do. There is never any judgement here. But you aren’t alone. Thats all I wanted to say really. If you stumble across this blog and are going through this. You are not alone. This is just life.

Fuck fuck fuck.

Insecurities

 

 

Woke up today feeling anything but a confident, secure 34 year old. Sometimes I wake up and my 14 year old head repeats itself over & over again.
"The kool kids dont like you"
"You will never be organised enough to grow your business further"
"I probably shouldn't share these needy thoughts... delete the above delete the above" 
...
Doing the work doesnt mean everyday is a unicorn ride over the rainbow. Sometimes you feel like you're on a cow ride through a slaughter house (sorry this jus was the 1st helly thing I could think of)🤨
.
.
I guess the idea is that at 14 I didn't know there was a way to feel better, or that I had the power to. I hadn't learned that thoughts arent facts nor had I proved to myself I was capable of thinking daffodil thoughts & believing in myself. I hadn't at the time, proved that these feelings are a result of my thoughts & that I could literally just be aware of them. And try and change them.
.
.
Today in this moment, right now, I "think" I can't feel better but deep down. I "know" I can...
Faith that this too shall pass. Cos it has before. It does.
I hope that you guys know that not everyone feels bloody amazing all the time. Even the dolphin gymnasium, ab showing humans who get paid to fly into the sunset & eat deliciois colourful food all day.
.
.
Noone is immune to self doubt, uncertainty, insecurities. We all have shit days, shit thoughts, and maybe some do not entertain these thoughts, or perhaps share them. For some they come out in other ways.
Perfectionism is a sure sign of feeling "less than"
Don't think you are crazy just for having bad days if you do.
I'm of the opinion that this is just human. (And not just cos feeling vulnerable is on trend) been feeling it since 1998. And it most certainly wasn't trendy then🤣🙄!

upload.jpg

Can you have it all in life?

PRIORITIES and SACRIFICES:

I think we get so caught up in wanting it all, all the time, now.

You really can have it all, but to some degree. I think you can have a great career and a good relationship. You can be fit and still go out for dinner, you can eat non nutritious foods and still be "healthy" you can be honest, evolve, move on from people and still be a nice person.

But there will always be sacrifices and priority shifts.

What I notice in my job is that often people aren't up for that. It's an extremes game. It's all or nothing. Even when thats proved to them time and time again, to be ineffective.

upload.jpg

In some cases, some people aren't willing to give up a whole pizza in exchange for half a pizza, or they won't swap the full fat coke for the diet coke. They won't stop the cardio even if that no longer sees them results. They would rather burn out and do it all or eat all the foods than compromise and half some of them. And yet. Your lifestyle would be so much more manageable, likeable, doable, approachable if we could all find this balance. 

On the other hand you don't want to sacrifice anything and yet on the other hand, you want every goal of you've ever wanted, like yesterday.  

You can have the burger and fries and still have abs. But at some points on your journey you may be better off making a better choice. You have to decide what you want the most. For me and my clients I want them to eat the burger and then not feel shit. I want that for them cos if its a choice of burger or abs, the burger always wins. 

But, we could have the burger and a body that we feel comfy in. The compromise could be the abs. Cos abs wont promise you comfort in the skin anyways.  

You can have a career and still make time for your loved ones but sometimes the priority will be your husband and other times it will be the job. But every day you may not get all your work in as well as quality time with your husband. So you prioritise on any given day. 

upload.jpg

You can be healthy and eat non nutritious foods. But some days you make better choices and other days you decide your soul health is more important.  But you have to be accountable. You have to make decisions. You have to be ok with your choice to eat junk if you want junk. You should be ok with that. Some days you want to cry into a pint of ice cream. That. Is. Ok. And if that means it slows progress down on whatever body goal journey you are on. Please let it and trust that today, that was the priority YOU chose. 

I think that main thing is, if we all started being in it for the process and not the end result. We would all enjoy it so much more. The choices we made wouldnt be so all or nothingy.  

It's not the end of the world that some meals I eat for fuel and nutrition more than my taste buds and soul (yes there's a compromise) but some days I am willing to not eat the most delicious thing on the menu cos I know the next day I'm going to my fav restaurant where I will have the non nutritious meal then. That compromise is ok for me. I don't regret or resent finding that balance. But there is a balance.  

upload.jpg

If you really think about it. The compramise is not that much of a sacrifice. Most compromises you make on this "lifestyle" change will be beneficial to you. Choosing not to work late every night and prioritising your husband sometimes will benefit you. You will be happier and less resentful therefore it will benefit your work too when you next go in, refreshed and happy.  

Choosing the sea bass and French fries but not the pudding might make you feel less bloated or sluggish and therefore you stay awake to watch the crime documentary you planned to watch. With hubby. 

Choosing to wake up 3 mornings a week early to go train doesnt have to be the end of the world, perhaps starting 3 days early means you get more done at work and you don't have to stay late every day.  

upload.jpg

Choosing to not eat a crossaint from Pret every morning and instead make some overnight oats means that you save money and have more energy balance leeway to enjoy a brunch with the girls on the weekend without sacrificing your body comp goals plus its just more nutritious for you and you feel fuller for longer at work. 

The priorities in your life should always be inline with what gives you a better quality, and is more in line with your values. Sometimes we are so hell bent on not changing or sacrificing cos we think it will mean our lives will be shit. But actually. 9 times out of 10 our lives become better.  

The long term gain for a short term sacrifice or priority shift can benefit us ten fold. It's not all doom and gloom.