The photo on my left was always my go to #before picture (Not cos I was at my 'biggest but it stood out as my most unhappy #bodyimage day) The day when I felt lost and disconnected the most. I did not want to be in that body and I hated myself, not for not loving it, but for not being skinny enough. Why could I not just eat all the pasta, pizza and gelato and NOT gain weight? The anger was so real it took over my day. I cried, I was moody. I felt like a potato.
If you follow my Instagram, you will know about my journey. You will know how unhealthy I know the above thoughts are. And rather than feel ashamed of the fact that this is who I was. Who I still can be. I want to share those vulnerabilities because as painful as it is to admit, so many of you girls relate. And I think in talking about these moments, we open up to change, growth and awareness.
Today I saw that this left photo and saw that it was to the day, exactly 4yrs ago. And to the lb, I weigh exactly 4kg heavier. Not that the number matters, but I do like the rounded, synchronicity of a kilo for each year.
People would question why I was so unhappy in my skin on the left. Because I wasn't over weight.
But discontentment in your skin isn't about being over weight or being a certain size (even though I told myself it was) It wasn't about having abs (I still want those) or having long, lean Viccy Secret model legs (I wouldn't say no) it's just that now my worth is not reliant on such wants. It's not even about fitting into societies standards. I fitted in OK. I wasn't a model, but I wasn't being forced to walk around with a paper bag over my head claiming I "Am not an animal, I am a human being" (If you know you know... RIP The Elephant Man)
I talk a lot about societies standards. It's role it has to play on young women, but essentially, when we stop the blame and the excuses and stop looking outside of ourselves, we have to look within us to really ask... WTF is going on?
On the left I didn't feel ENOUGH. Of what I can't tell u. It was a mixture of things. I wasn't tall enough, lean enough, tight enough, white enough, black enough, my hair wasn't straight enough or glossy enough. My thighs were not slim enough, my hips weren't wide enough, my waist wasn't small enough. I wasn't likeable enough, funny, enough, intelligent enough, wise enough, kind enough. It wasn't only about my looks. I just wasn't ENOUGH!!!
The same reason someone's alcohol addiction isn't about the booze itself. People do not become alcoholics because booze tastes so gaaadam good. It's about the thoughts behind why they drink. It is something lacking in them that they need to fill that void. I chose to fill my void with endless "diets" of 1200cals or less. I filled my void with addiction to discontentment.
If booze is the distraction from the emptiness one feels, then unhappiness was NOT the prerequisite of my body not looking the way I wanted it to. But was actually the distraction from the horror I felt of never feeling enough. And only when you want to change the lack of enoughness to an abundance of, erm, enoughness, will the distractions become less distracting and you can actually take hold of the emptiness an fill it with love and not hate.
1200 calories is hate. cabbage soup diets were hate. Resentment, bitterness, anger, entitlement, pity. It was all a dark cloud that I would use to fill the wholes inside me that just always felt void. But as a wise man once stated, darkness cannot drown out the darkness, only light can do that.
SELF LOVE is not something that just appears one day. That emptiness you feel, it doesn't just disappear. And once you have it, you don't just own it and keep it in your fanny pack for rainy days. It is something that you have to work at. The same as an alcoholic is always one (as they say in AA) but you form habits to stop yourself picking up your "filler" With body dysmorphia or body image issues, it's the same. The old patterns of self loathing talk, still slide off my brain easily. I still find it easy to look in the mirror and pick apart the things that aren't perfect.
But... I have spent time forming habits that stop me from picking up those thoughts, and running with them. I may sniff that glass of wine, but I wont get drunk on it, I won't lose myself in the dizzy black hole of self hate and loathing.
Why? Because I do not want to be on my death bed, wishing I had done something better with my time. Wishing I had loved myself. Wishing I had done more, wishing I could have felt enough when I am sure the big voice that will speak down to me whilst I lie there lifeless will say something like "but you always were you bloody effing fool. You always had the choice to do better and you chose to stay in your place of darkness and now look, your here and its too late, you had all this potential, but you let fear and negativity swallow you up" I don't know who this big voice is talking to me (I don't believe in God per se, but if I go with what I do believe, that we are God, God is within us and that heaven or hell is our own subconcious, then I guess that voice I hear whilst I lay there dead... is me!
Now if you are keeping up, my point was, I dont want to regret not loving myself. I didnt want to live with the dark heavy burden that I carried in the picture on the left.
To anyone reading this that may not resonate, that's OK too. This is often like therapy for me, able to projectile vomit my thoughts on my past NOT ENOUGHNESS. but if anything, I hope that you can understand, this wasn't about needing to look like J Lo or Kate Moss or Christina Milian. It was about a deep yearning of filling those dark holes with something. And it sure wasn't slimming pills I needed.
I'm not sure if change can happen if your not ready for it. The world is vibrating at frequencies unbeknown to us and I do believe that if we are vibrating or putting out energy that is to block the energy we want, we won't get the change we seek. For years the vibrations I vibrated were that of negativity. I said I wanted a particular body, yet I couldn't get it. I said I wanted to be happy, and yet I wasn't. I think (in all it's hippy dippy glory) that is because I was vibrating these dead, blunt, heavy emotions that would resist letting the light in.
In less hippy dippy terms, lets just say, if all you're thinking about is the colour red, and I ask you to look around the room, all you see is the colour red. There is a mental block on all the other things. I was constantly thinking, I am fat, I am fat, I didn't have the wherewithal to see anything else. If I say don't think of the blue elephant I guarantee, all your mind sees is the blue elephant. So even if you find it hard to think in vibrations and light, put simply, if all your time is focused on the shit bits, all you are seeing are the shit bits.
I can't tell you what frequency to vibrate at. I can't sell you a package of self love you can spray on yourself and bath in (the beauty industry say they are doing that, but I assure you, they re quick fixes) I can tell you to start looking for the beauty in you. Start telling yourself different thoughts. Even a simple one, that even if you don't believe, say it out loud.
YOU ARE ENOUGH!
I don't even care if there are skeptics out there reading this that believe this is bullcrap. I am telling you. This statement, changed my life.
There are days I still find myself batting it away. But every time you do, bat something positive back. Neither thought may be a fact, so why let the negative one win?
When I realised that change would occur when I realised why I wanted it to, when I discovered the true value in wanting the change. Things started happening.
Ask yourself. Why do you want longer legs? Abs? A better body. When the answers come back that have no value, it becomes apparent that we have no real umph for it at all.
I finally decided I wanted to feel more comfortable in my skin.
I wanted to create habits that would help my mentality as well as my body.
It really dawned on me that I wanted to see results because I wanted to accomplish something, know that I could put my mind to creating change and reap the rewards.
I also discovered along the way that the change I thought would come wasn't the change I thought would. Yes I lost fat, gained muscle, yes I did a fitness comp where I was hella lean, yes I had abs for 5 mins, yes I gained all those habits that would help me mentally and physically. But I became comfy in my skin (not just when I was skinny) The change that happened was that my perception changed. I asked myself what was beautiful? Did I need to conform to someone else's beauty standard? Did I need to be 50kg just because that was a 14yr old dream. Did I need to spend every hour thinking about my body and if so, why, what did it all mean?
I became super aware over this last year, of what had really been going on with all this body warped negativity. My perception shifted and I looked at the girl in the blue bikini and didn't see what I saw 4 years before. As in, I actually looked at it and thought it had been altered to look smaller. I was adamant I had been bigger back then.
4 years, plus 4 kilos, plus one big realisation.
I AM ENOUGH. And so are you.
If you want to start implementing the habits that will help create better thoughts and better results, go to my home page, subscribe and you will recieve a 7 day guide towards self love. For free. Because sharing is caring and all that jazz ;)
Peace, love, good energy and all that's in-between xxx