Food

A Week Of Eating: Week 1 Mini cut

Monday

Breakfast 

2 slices of Medium hovis wholemeal bread

 1 tbsp lemon curd

4 egg whites scrambled & 50g raspberries

Snack 

Grenede bar and soy flat white

Lunch

150g prawns

with 140g cod

pan fried in stock with 100g cauliflower rice

Dinner

130g Quorn chicken style pieces

In half can chopped toms

100g spinach & 100g frozen peas & 50g sweet potato

1 slice garlic bread 

Dessert

Sugar free jelly made with unsweetened almond milk

10g peanut butter on top

                       

Tuesday

Breakfast

30g oats with 75g soy yogurt & 50 frozen raspberries

Lunch

100g quorn chicken pieces with 100g chopped toms

50g peas & 50 spinach with 100g sweet potato

Snack 

Soya flat white

Grenede bar

Dinner

Egg fried rice made with

100g tofu, 130g tuna with jalapenos, sundried tomatos, 100g cauliflower rice and one egg

Dessert 

sugar free jelly made with light coconut milk

Wednesday 

Breakfast

Brekki burrito made with 

1 wholewheat tortilla wrap 

options hot choc with a splash almond milk to make spread, & 10g peanut butter

1 chopped apple and 2 egg whites, rolled into a burrito

Snack 

4 fruitella sweets 

Soya flat white

1 small bag poshcorn

Lunch

100g tofu & 130g tuna salad with 

100g sweet potato and cherry tomatoes

Dinner 

140g cod, with 

50g peas, 200g cauli rice 130g butternut squash stir fried together 

with added pea protein powder

Dessert 

170g 0% greek yogurt

1/2 Tbsp lemon curd

Thursday 

Breakfast 

Overnight oats

30g oats, 100ml unsweetened almond milk 

soaked with 50g frozen berries 10ml lemon curd

lunch 

Lunch at The Balck Penny Holborn

Shared 

butter beans on sourdough with goats cheese & Poached egg and pesto with polenta hash

Snack 

1 fillet salmon 

3 bournon biscuit

soya flat white

Dinner

Tuna with mixed curry (the boyf bought home) and 100g cauliflower rice

Dessert 

grenede bar

Friday 

Breakfast 

 Shesupps protein shake made with unsweetened almond milk & 50g frozen berries

Lunch

out at The Drake and Morgan 

Egg white omelette

with Smoked salmon & spinach a 1 tbsp butter

Dinner

1 salmon fillet & 100g steamed butternut squash mash 

Aaaaaaat aaaaaat

5 Gin & slims, 2 tequila shots, 2 glasses red wine

3 kinder eggs

1 bag popcorn

2 slices hovis bread one with cheese & jam, 1 with melted cheese & ketchup 

Saturday 

Breakfast 

Grenede Bar 

soya flat white

Lunch 

Tuna sald with capers, jalapenoes, cucumber and spoon light phillidelphia

Dinner 

1 fillet seabass, 1 fillet coley fish with homemade butternut squash sauce & courgette pasta

Dessert 

200g Holy Couch Ben & Jerrys

Sunday 

She supps protein smoothie with 50g frozen berries & unsweetened almond milk 

Late lunch/dinner

Homemade fish cakes 

aubergine fries & minted peas

Dessert 

Grenede bar 

Average weekly Macros:

Calories: 1735

Protein: 125

Carbs: 185

Fats: 55

Fibre: 27

This is at the top end of where my cut is meant to fall. I am aiming for anywhere between 1550 & 1750 with 130g protein, 150g carbs, 45g fats. But I never expect to hit my macros, or jump to lower cals really easily. My previous macros averages over the last 2 to 3 months fell at 1950 cals, 220g carbs, 100g protein and 65g fats. So the numbers above of my mini cut week are enough of a variant to make a difference. Don't beat yourself up for the nights out, for the biscuits or the ice cream. Above is where my life happened. I don't drink every week. And I always try to fit in, eating out and balancing. A mini cut did not mean that I only ate clean whole foods, or went really low on calories. This is NOT a diet. This is about body composition rather than "loosing weight" I think us girls are uneducated in this. Most of my clients come to me and this is what thet are confused with. They want to loose weight when in rality they need to just change their body composition.  Ie Grow more muscle, drop some fat and change your fat percentage. There can be two women weighing 140lb. One will be 30% body fat and the other 20%. Same weight yet, the 20% body fat woman will look aesthetically what my clients will be after. Its not a weight loss game. I can do a post on body composition if you would all like. So watch this space :) 

Goals for this week are... 

More protein, less eating out (mainly to save some money lol) Macro goals will be 1650ish cals 130g protein  165g carbs, 50g fats.

Disclaimer: These macros are specific to me and will not work for everyone. This is after years of figuring out my body likes and dislikes and what works for my goals. I am still learning also, so plaese do not think these calories or macros are something to follow for each individual. 

For help with your own personal macros and online coaching please check here xxx

 

Bikini competition time

So... this is where my fitness journey has led me. To a bikini contest. A freaking bikini contest. I promised Id be honest about all of feelings whilst prepping for this and that is what I shall do.

After a good year/year and a half of teaching myself how to eat properly, love my body, aim for goals not soley on (being skinny) and devising a mind set that let me find a balance... I have decided to throw caution to the wind and possibly throw all that by the waist side and go against all that I ever thought my fitness journey was about and would lead to.

Something in me decided that I needed a challenge. I needed a focus and I wanted to see what my body was capable of. After copious amounts of time watching you tube vids of Nikki Blackketter and Heidi Somers, I felt like a competition was the next step. I've been lifting weights since 2013 at least four times a week (with a mini break in LA) and with  a good time spent doing Kayla Itsines BBG. I love both and think combined they work great. I spend most of my time in a gym working as a personal trainer so it only makes sense to utilise my time and go forth and do a 16 week bikini comp prep.

I am currently in what I am calling 'pre prep' where I am eating a good ol amount of calories (2000) and pretty much not doing cardio. Currently life is bliss.

I flexible eat with calorie/carb cycling by making sure I eat the same amount of protein daily (120g) but my carbs/fats change to vary my days. I go by the 'if it fits my macros' rule but not with anything overly processed. I am having one cheat meal a week and I am not eating dairy or drinking. This is pretty much my daily routine anyways, accept towards the comp I will obviously have to alter this. But I am hoping to flexible eat somewhat through the whole prep... eeeek. The aim is to lower my cals to 1500 by peak week and up my cardio to twice a day.

I feel good about the phases but... I do have worries and concerns.

I am worried I will not get the results I want. I am worried I will not be able to stick to my macros dead on for 16+ weeks. Worried that I will go into a mental whirlwind regarding my body image, that I will not know how to prep properly, do enough research and ultimatley worried that I am not mentally strong enough and knowledgable enough to do this.

But I know that's just typical ego thoughts. Because people have done this before. Eating well is not hard, working out is not hard. Loosing a leg or fighting cancer is hard. So truthfully I am not going to make this a drama and get on and do my research. Train the best way I know how and get my head down and enjoy the journey.

I really want to document it all. So this week I will do my first you tube video looking at my 1st pre prep weeks.

Here is what I have done so far...
*Written a 4 week workout plan (I will change up exercises/order or tempo in another 4 week) (I am going to work through different reps over the 4 weeks for now)
*I have worked out my calories deficit over the 16 weeks. 
*Paid my UKBFF membership fees and printed my entry form. 
*I am researching my butt of of what has worked for other bikini competitiors and worked out what my areas of weakness are. My obliques, my fat percentage and my back. (Oh and my glutes)

 

Here Is what my routine looks like roughly Pre prep weeks 1-3... 

MONDAY: Heavy lifts Deadlifts (and assisting lifts glutes/hammys) & 20 min abs

TUESDAY: PLYO/BBG (legs) & 20 mins handstands & 20 mins LIIS

WEDNESDAY: Heavy lifts Chest (back/shoulders/bics) & 20 min cable glute work

THURSDAY: PLYO/BBG (core) & 20 mins handstands & 20 mins LIIS

FRIDAY: Heavy lift Squats (Quad focused legs) & 20 mins handstands & 20 mins LIIS

SATURDAY: Heavy lift Rows (Back/trics) & 20 mins abs & 20 mins cable Glute work 

SUNDAY: REST DAY

I am now going to get my head down, get enough sleep/water and supplements. I will take glutamine/BCAAs/B complex/vit D and probiotics.

I am in pretty alright shape already. I am healthy, I workout 6 days a week of varying degrees, I treat myself, I don't do any crazy fat burners or what not. I want to do this prep as mindfully and sanely as possible. I will keep a daily diary where I note down my thoughts and feelings and rationalise any negativity that goes on upstairs. 

I will keep you updated with any tantrums/ups/downs/good days and bad. Oh and some before and afters along the way.

   After 1 week of Pre prep. 1900cals 125g protein 215g Carbs 60g fat

After 1 week of Pre prep. 1900cals 125g protein 215g Carbs 60g fat





How to stay healthy on holiday (sort of)

This summer has been, the most busy summer I think I have ever experienced. I am truly grateful to have had plans, been invited to weddings, gotten some sunshine, been able to take those typical Instagram shots. I mean, how would you remember how amazing it was if it wasn't for those IG shots. Between July and October I had 4 hen do's, 3 weddings, a trip to Italy, Ibiza, Scotland,  the boyfs 30th and I started a new job. To say that I am tired, is an understatement. I may or may not have had a few 'moments' along the way. I was getting 4-5hrs sleep, my brain wouldn't stop, I was training myself daily, and I may have gotten slightly overwhelmed.

In the midst of all of this I was twenty days late for my period... if your a girl... well actually... a boyfriend, a son, a husband, a brother... then you'll know that this meant carnage. I quite literally am adamant, during the lead up, that life is utterly awful. I am sure that my body is failing me, my friends don't love me, my personality is nothing short of horrendous, all my clothes are hideous, the tupaware I own is pointless and the exercise I am doing is nothing but a waste of time... during the lead up to the 'time of the month' I quite literally should be locked away and only let out when the anger flows away from me heavily and aggressively(sorry guys)

So anyone can imagine, where I was at in my head for a good ol long, dark, hectic TWENTY freaking days.

The idea of going away in the whirlwind of all of this and working out or eating healthy would have been far from my mind if someone had have asked me 3 years ago. The idea I could go on holiday and be somewhat mindful of what I ate, was unimaginable. Anything less than a Mac Donalds at the airport and lays crisps for breakfast/as a side dish/dessert... would have been ridiculous. How could I possibly go away and enjoy myself if I have to be 'healthy' the very idea of going away meant to NOT be healthy right? 

Holidays were for creamy sweet cocktails with at least 5 meals a day and white bread and olive oil by the truck load. Holidays meant the only exercise would be turning the pages to the latest best seller I got at WH Smith in the airport.

Despite mentally changing the way I see food and exercise over the last few years and feeling confident in the ability to not eat a small hippo if I saw one deep fried in bread crumbs smothered in aoili, there was still a mini freak out.

(DISCLAIMER) I want to be honest, I really want to put good content out that people want to read and can take something from.  So this was going to be a 'how to be healthy whilst going on holiday' with tips and tricks like... pack chia seeds and dates in your hand luggage. And whilst that is a helpful tip it just doesn't feel honest/real or anything I 'want' to write about passionately.

What I want to write and tell you is that I panicked. I nearly pooed myself at the thought of being on holiday and putting on the weight I had lost or loosing the muscle I had built. 
I panicked that the mere idea of being on a plane and heading somewhere far away from my routine would jolt me into an old head space. That it would somehow leave me stranded in the horrendous body image war, of feeling 'thick in my skin' chunky, plump,  square, fluffy...

I was determined to 'feel good' on this trip to Ibiza and I was so worried that, that determination, would be abolished as soon as I set foot on the tarmac and someone waved an ice-cream sundae in front of my face.

I was also shit scared that I wasn't going to be fun. How fun is a girl that packs almond milk in their 100ml fluid allowance? I mean show me a 'fun' girl that takes protein powder away with her and I will eat my hat. 

I didn't want my friends to think I was a dick. 'I' didn't want to think I was a dick... and the sheer mental state of wondering who I was and who I had become on this fitness journey was enough to send me head first to a pot of Hagen Daaz and bury myself in the gooey, doughy, sweet balls of cookie, never to surface again...

Here's how it went down. I packed protein powder, dates, quest bars, chia seeds, figs, oats... no one commented (too much) no one slagged me off (to my knowledge) I made my own breakfasts (that I enjoyed) I avoided dairy (apart from the slice of pizza I ate whilst drunk, that doesn't count because I don't remember) I didn't eat bread every morning (nor did I miss it) I worked out twice (once hung over) I avoided Mac Donalds (and didn't regret it whilst eating fruit and nuts opposite a burger sauce filled big Mac)  I 'felt' awesome in my bikini, I didn't feel out of place or over sized or bloated the whole time I was there, and I came back home, unscathed and able to get back eating my normal healthy balanced diet without the need to stay off the wagon and eat everything and anything that may have a snippet of sugar in. 

I do not have a magic answer to how I managed to pull that off without it feeling like a chore. I am not sure how I managed to beat a massive trigger for me. The only thing I can put it all down to (Other than the big realisation dairy and me are now enemies) is that consistency pays off. That those choices you make, to have over night oats rather than a croissant, or to not have 10 chocolate brownies and only have one, or to get in the gym before work when you want to stay in bed for another half hour... those daily, teeny choices that you think are a waste of time, somehow, along the way, count. They help create a pattern, a routine and lifestyle choices rather than 'quick fixes'. They all battle thought patterns that would usually go and make me reject any sort of balance whilst away. Not only consistently working out meant that a few treats and a few drinks did not regress me back to my starting point,  but that consistently speaking to myself positively and consistently making small changes to my lifestyle meant that, that continued, whilst I was away. It meant that I had beaten old patterns and got rid of past triggers that inherently used to make me make crappy decisions in the past.

My biggest trigger that used to encourage me to binge eat all the time was the thought that I was a dick for caring about my body. The fear that people would think I was boring if I cared enough to exercise whilst away... and once I was aware of that thought process, and very open and accepting of that thought process, the thought itself had no importance anymore. Resisting the thought and fighting feeling boring, only made my insecurities worse in the past, which would lead me to say 'fuxkkkk it' and eat all (allllll) the foods. Whining about these fears and moaning about how the carbs used to make me feel bloated... that is what was mind numbingly boring. 

So finally I found a place in my head where none of that mattered. Because I finally realised my thoughts were just thoughts I made up about myself to keep self sabotaging and never making progress.

The ability to realise that I could still eat yummy food, have a choice about what foods I did eat, treat myself to dinners out and feel less guilt because I chose a healthier breakfast... felt so overwhelmingly awesome that it was hard to believe I had ever had a holiday not doing that.

Fast forward to two weddings later, a trip to Scotland and the boyfs 30th birthday and I am not feeling as balanced and zen about my body as I had done post Ibiza. With progress also comes moments of impatience and snippets of discouragement.  Because not all life changing head patterns are as easy as abolishing them for good.

Patterns of guilt have crept in slowly. And whilst they have been kept at bay with belief that this fitness journey is a lifestyle and that I am not looking for any quick fixes, the feeling of bloat and letting the treats pile up, have, and do, bring back thoughts of annoyance that 'I can't always be that girl in Ibiza feeling good about all my issues' Because despite what anyone else thinks or what I can tell myself on a good day, I still have demons that can overwhelm me. The only difference is that I know they will pass. That the thoughts are just thoughts and my balance will, well, re... balance.

So now I am home, with weekends doing nothing other than brunching and house work (rock and roll) I now look forward to some routine. To home cooked food and some healthier head talk. 

So here's to my top tips that aren't really top tips at all, but an example of how life happens and funnily enough. .. you just get through it. With a helping of carrot cake... and a peppermint tea with cider vinegar (to counteract LIFE bloat)

How to (not)be obsessed with your body...

So, you've had body image issues for years. You wake up daily and wonder if by a miracle you're as skinny as you always wanted... even though perhaps, you maybe ate, the whole loaf of bread and jar of nutella that your annoying boyf had bought home last night,(does he not know you are on a diet) that it would sit there calling you to eat it, "Go on, one little bit won't hurt... one more slice isn't gonna kill you, four slices won't make a difference at all..." and before you know it your lying in bed, Nutella smeared around you mouth and you try your hardest to recoup the feeling, the taste, the enjoyment...you swish your tongue around your mouth to get a hint of a trace that it was worth every little, smooth, nutty mouthful. But it's gone. All you are left with is the faint hint of an awkward feeling, the guilt. So you do the only thing you can, you sleep. You sleep and you wake up and you feel your belly. Is it flatter? Grab your bottom, is it firmer? You cup your hands around your waist, is it teenier? You get up, check in the mirror you hesitantly open your eyes... Mehhh, well, you are either proud that the Nutella in fact did not make you the size of a house, or you're upset because the loaf of bread did make you bloat like a blow fish who had eaten a loaf of bread and a jar of Nutella. Either way you spend a ridiculous amount of time in front of the mirror, pulling your butt and thighs backwards to create a thigh gap, and then sucking in your belly so perhaps you look Victoria Secret modelesque and you think, "WHyyyy, why the eff did I eat that jar of Nutella... if i hadn't, I would sooo look like Giselle right now, dam that one Nutella jar. dam it" 

Many a morning has been spent like this, followed by daily mirror checks, (or checks in the mirror, not Newspaper article updates.) Momentarily checking your posture throughout the day. The umming the ahhing, the wondering... "if I had this sandwich for lunch, should I have the crisps? Oh but the crisps have 250 calories, so maybe I should get the fruit salad AND have the bag of crisps as that's less calories right? But wait, whats for dinner?" And you spend long periods of time mentally calculating how many calories you may have inhaled, how many you might have pooed out, burnt off whilst running for the bus and whether the chocolate brownie you were offered at work (and ate) at elevenisies will be worked off in your two hour cardio gym session and your one hour body combat class?

Many evenings you come home so proud of yourself that you worked out today and you still only ate 800 calories. You now have a whole 400 to play with and you carefully select what you can eat for dinner. You question skipping it, because how hungry are you really? Whilst your belly growls at you for food. "PLEAASEEE it screams, give me some bloody nourishing food" So you prep a healthy dinner. A small jacket potato with some ham and a little bit of cottage cheese. You could add salad, but lettuce leaves make you sick to your stomach and taste so dam plain that all you would do is smother it in Italian dressing. (low fat mind) 

You survived. Your relaxing, watching Master chef and as you see that Z list celeb pull out a baked, marzipan, and cherry cheesecake out the oven, 'after dinner treat' springs to mind. "Go on, you worked so hard in the gym, you need a balanced diet. You don't want to starve yourself. It's all about balance. You deserve a treat. You have 50 calories left anyways and truly, if you have the Mr Kipling Angel slice that was left over from your boyfs mum coming over at the weekend, what harm would it really do? You only live once. Once it's gone it's gone anyways so tomorrow will be a perfect day. My Fitness pal will be so on point, so spot on that I will literally be able to fit into my new dress without spanx this weekend..."

And you lie in bed with Nutella round your face and guilt smothered across your soul and you pray for that little miracle... that tomorrow will be different, that tomorrow won't seem so hard, that one day, you could just wake up and it not seem like such a big deal, such an issue, such a mind consuming, horrible, pointless, boring obsession that no one else seems to have or understand. Everyone else seems so perfectly happy with their bodies. Everyone else either has thigh gaps and waists like Ariel from The Little Mermaid or they don't care if they don't. Noone else seems to bloat, seems incapable of eating healthy, noone else seems to have to. Why is it so hard to go through a day without not caring at all. It's because no one else puts on an inch by looking at a digestive biscuit or a bowl of Crunchy Nut cornflakes... "OOO crunchy nuts, I could really go a bowl of crunchy nuts..." 

And years go by... 1, 2, 3... 10, 11, 12... suddenly your approaching adulthood (your twenites washed away with insignificant angst and worry) over a body that was perfectly fine, was working, was in proportion, was doing what it needed to do. A body that looked pretty decent in denim shorts although you convinced yourself it didn't. A body that made sense, and truthfully, in pictures, you think "Ay? That's not how it looked in the mirror at the time? I swear I was never that trim" and you question all the time you have wasted on the thought process, the wishing, the wanting, the trying, the planning, the questioning, the hoping... Why not me? Why can I not have the body I want? Why do I 'feel' so huge and thick? Could I, if I really stuck to something, have the body I have wanted since I was fourteen years old? What if I really tried? I hate my body, so why don't I try and change it... really, properly, truly! 

And there is a transition period...

And you spend six months, going at it. Really trying. You cut out carbs, you weigh your food, you meal prep, you go to the gym consistently, you eat more, drink more water, up your protein, start lifting weights. You take protein powder, Phsyllium husk, you cut out all treats, add super greens to your shakes, you stop going out for dinner as much because god forbid someone thinks your as obsessed with your body as you are. God forbid people think you are that person. The one that is taking care of it. And you wake up one morning and... 

Yes you see results...

but wait a second... you still hate your body. All these sacrifices, all this avoiding a glass of Prosecco and eating chicken for breakfast. All the dinners or nights out you have missed. That time when Sally bought in cake to work and you pretended you felt ill because you couldn't just turn it down or just have one slice like a normal human being. The Big Macs you have resisted, the cheese and crackers you avoided, the crunchy nut cornflakes that. you. didn't. buy...

ALL OF THESE SACRIFICES AND YOU STILL DON'T LOOK LIKE AN EFFING VICTORIA SECRET MODEL!!!

So you take a second, a few. And you reassess.

You freak out, you ask yourself who you are? After a lot of tears, a lot of tantrums, a lot of thought about what all of this is for and why it seems and feels so important. What is it you really want? Noone else cares what you look like. You know for a fact you are far more than just a body, I mean, come on your a really funny person (hahahha) you know life is more than just about going to the gym, or having a dimple free bum. You know that there is a world where you can not wake up and the first thing you think isn't "Do I feel fat today/look fat today/eat fat today" That you take the energy that you somehow slyly, slowly indiscreetly waste daily on such stupid, yet deeply important to you, thoughts, and you change it around. Because you do not want to be this girl anymore. One that pretends not to be so much that you eat cream out of a tub with a spoon. You don't want to pretend your OK with your body. You want to be OK with your body!

You have spent years hating your body, and that didn't work. Try loving it and see what happens...
 

Who knows what, or why, or when... The moment when something changes, something shifts. I can't tell you if I had an epiphany, or a simple realisation that the only way I could be free of hating my body, was to just stop...

hating my body.

The simple truth is there wasn't a special formula. It wasn't killing myself in the gym, or sacrificing yummy food. (Been there and bought the gym crop top) It wasn't found in the bottom of a crunchy nut cereal box or a Nutella jar either.It wasn't found in obsessing daily about the things I hated and couldn't stand. As cheesy as it sounds it started with one small thought...

I am going to eat a balanced diet and work out consistently, not because I hate my body, but because I like it. (man screw it... because I love it) because it has the ability to change, evolve, respond.It surely has the ability, if given what it needs, to give me back what I need. And it wasn't to look like a Victoria Secrets model. It was to FEEL like one. And who knew. Eating nourishing foods and working out for 30 minutes a day was enough to make me FEEL good. To FEEL healthy and lean and glowy. 

I realised that one healthy meal wasn't gonna make me Jessica Alba, but that I didn't want to be her either way (well... maybe a teeny bit) The shift was to just keep going, because the time is going to pass anyways. There wasn't an end game. I finally realised I wasn't going to eat well for a bit and get the body I want (except for A BIT) The shift was to eat to nourish and fuel my body because I want to 'feel' good afterwards. The shift to figure out that nothing is out of bounds, that I can eat crunchy nuts and Nutella, together if I so wish, if I consistently, the majority of the time, eat nutritious food. The shift that Nutella will nourish my soul sometimes and that carbs will not make me fat. The shift was to realise it wasn't a fear of being fat, it was a fear of always hating myself. Of always feeling horrendous. 

You feel great that you have consistently been feeling good. That your head is in a good place. That your dysfunctional relationship with food, your body image, feels on its way to healing. But out of the blue, you will still get people say disapprovingly "Your getting a bit obsessive, you've lost weight" and you panic. OMG... I am that girl... That girl that you never wanted to be. That awful one that orders spinach with her steak instead of fries. The one that gets up and goes to the gym before work. The one that drinks tons and tons of water and spends alot of time peeing. Your the girl that has one cupcake and not ten and drinks green smoothies and doesn't get wasted all the time. Your the girl that you used to judge. The one that cared more about her looks than going out and having fun... eating loads... 

Wait just a second... the funniest thing is, I was obsessed before, way more obsessed prior to finding this new balance. But the other version of obsession never seemed to offend anyone? Your suddenly one of those girls that has spinach with steak because she is having cheesecake for dessert, or the one that fits in going to the gym because it makes her feel good the rest of the day. Drinks tons of water because the body actually needs it and has one cupcake because ten, well ten would make me throw up. The smoothies, they actually taste good (with dates) The girl that used to think going out and getting so wasted that I wouldn't remember if I had made love to a fox on the way to Maccy Ds and then eaten a big mac mindlessly at 4am on a Friday night having a deep and meaningful with the homeless guy sat next to you whilst you share your fries (and you never share your food) WAS FUN, she's reassessed and decided that in fact, that just isn't that great. It just really isn't.

And in no way am I judging that girl. The sexy fox, fries sharing, convo with the homeless chatty, drunk, slurry girl. I have been her, and I may be her again. But no one realised that you were obsessed and unhappy before. No one knows that actually, you wake up free of the guilt now, free of the worry of what you will see in the mirror. You don't mind if you bloat for a day. Because you 'feel' rather good. Because you consistently look after your body yes, but also because you started to tell yourself you love it either way. People can sometimes be weirded out by the lifestyle choice to not want to binge any more or to want to get your 30 minute exercise in daily, they get confused, annoyed, thrown by it. They don't know how obsessed you once were. How unhappy you once were that you were in a never ending cycle of negative thoughts, how much it mattered before, for all the wrong reasons. And that's OK. Because your obsession you found no longer lies in how chubby you are or think you are, but in how good you feel to have found a lifestyle that benefits your mind, body and soul... It is no one else's job to tell you what makes you feel good, nor is it your job to have to justify why you don't want to down a pint of beer and eat croissants every morning. You finally feel like you have found a healthy place, that used to seem so alien. Loving your body? That's ridiculous? Perhaps the juxtaposition of wanting something that really you thought was always impossible was only impossible because you thought that loving your body made you an obnoxious, gym obsessed, vein douche bag. And the relief that actually you are still a douche bag, but one that has stopped battling all the vein demons that were there before.

OH MY GAAAD I ATE PIZZA AND BEN AND JERRYS AT THE WEEKEND...

and it tasted so dam mighty fine that my fanny tingled greatly. Job done! 



To vegan or not to vegan...

Sooo, I thought I would document a lil vegan trial on here. It will hold me accountable for the month, plus it will journey the good bits (feeling lean) the bad bits (dry lips) and the ugly bits (really smelly farts.)

Why try vegan? When I love meat. Love it as in, I dribble at the thought of a lamb shank, or ribs, or an Honest Burger. Why try being vegan when Haagen Daz is my favourite cuisine and a cheese board is my second favourite. Ohhh cheese how I am missing you so... 

Admittedly the reason I thought Id try it, was not for ethical reasons as such, but more because I was always feeling bloated. I've had a good nutritional diet for the last year and a half (bar a few binge moments) yet I still felt bloated. I also was breaking out in severe hives and I couldn't figure out what is was. Something in my diet was peeing me off. It wasn't weight I wanted to lose any more, but that extra body fat/bloat. So I started seeing people on insta doing 801010 or raw before 4 and it interested me. Everyone was saying how they felt cleansed and detoxed and lean. 

To accompany these first few thoughts, the boyf had been trying to get me to watch some food documentaries for a while. My initial response a year ago was (hell no-ignorance is bliss) I liked meat wayyyy too much and I really didn't want to be put off mi spag bol with CHEESE on top (did I mention I love cheese?) But curiosity got the better of me and I decided to watch about 4 documentaries that talked about the meat industry. What meat does to our bodies, the earth and what we do to the animals. I was not ready for what I saw. At all.

I won't say too much, but I cried for 80% of the programmes. 

Needless to say, I thought about what I was actually eating, whether I knew where it had come from, what they had done to it and if I wanted to put meat into me that had been so so badly treated. And for now, the answer is no. I have no judgement of meat eaters, gosh, I may return. I stand on the fence still. Sure of my ethics, but not sure how strong I am on them, I am yet to decide what choices I want to make. But I did want to give it a go. To see. The effects on my body, my mind and my soul. 

Would I miss it, crave it, need it, dribble over it or not even blink an eyelid... 

Right now I am 2 weeks in. I did a week previously, and then went on to eat fish and dairy for a week before deciding to try vegan  again as I immediately felt bloated. This is day 10 consecutively. Currently I am not craving anything too much, accept I wouldn't mind some cheesey eggs. The one thing I think I would miss the most if I kept this up is ice cream in general. But one step at a time. Currently no one has forced me into an ice cream parlour, where I may not be able to leave without jumping in a tub and bathing in the luxury, creamy,sweet, milky gloop. My gaaaaad. 

So far I have kept my cravings at bay with Nice cream, date and oat bars and scrambled tofu. Oh lordy. I may call my child Mildred-Augustos Bernadetta Vaughan-Smith and have her tell her friends that 'she doesn't eat cheese because Mummy says its not a nice thing to do' while she trots off to do her biology text book and eat her cashew cheese on Rye, aged 4. Throw me to the crocodiles and let them eat me slowly please.

Eeeeeek.

Tonight I am out for dinner with friends. I got through a hen weekend, so I am sure this will be OK. My only real issue so far is that I haven't been organised enough to get to hold foods and pick up some good vegan protein sources. Its in the diary for tomorrow. 

Truthfully, I know vegans don't call their children silly names and force feed them buckwheat. It's a lifestyle choice that so many people seem to benefit from. The stigma surrounding being vegan is rubbish... and I do think a worthy, ethical cause. Who knows if I am strong willed enough to refuse Camembert or a Gaucho steak ever again. All I do know is I will never force my child to eat rye bread. 

It will be a home made gluten free, oat free, dairy free, taste free loaf :)