As my second time here (well technically 3rd) comes to an end I thought I would write a practical blog. One that will inform people of the things I have discovered in LA. The good the bad and the teeny annoying bits (there aren't a lot) Apart from the annoyingly blue sea and my annoying smug face in some pics... Sorry not sorry.

My overall time out here is hugely positive. It truthfully has been the best time of my life. The sun and freedom help. The time to think and reflect because you take time out from the real world, is always going to be useful and deeply appreciated. But I have had other trips where I have done similar thinking. But this city, for me, creates a whole wealth of opportunity and chance and inspiration and hope, that no other place has given me. It's a city people are quick to judge and you assume it's full of people, that other people are quick to dismiss. Because why wouldn't you? The preconception is It's a town of flakyness,  of insincerity, insecurity, bravado,  show, false promises and broken dreams. It's surely fickle and in genuine and full of try hard wannabes with distorted ambition. It's a city full of houses with gates and pools and pianos built into the floor with glass panelled stairs and hoovers made of gold, and then you stop off at the traffic lights and a homeless man with a trolley full of stuff,  will ask you for a dollar, and even though you see this back at home, nowhere have I seen the difference be so distinctive and so obvious. A town full of money, and streets full of homeless.

The city can be strange. My time here has been off kilter a few times. You do lose yourself slightly in a world that is somewhat, unreal. But the only reason we feel that it is 'unreal' is because we are made to believe we should live another way. That life in the sunshine, not brutally working day to day, is a treat. It's something only the special or the lucky do. Only the talented or the rich. And in some regards, I still believe it. If you don't have money it is harder to live a certain lifestyle. Days with spare time and evenings with spare sunsets.  But... its not entirely true. I met many people out there living on the same budget I live on at home. They work, they hustle, they get up early or work until late and not everyone is cruising around in a matte Bentley.

As a side note... LA looks hideous in the grey overcast days. If it rains, it's like a tropical storm and the whole city looks horrendously dull. Also people cannot drive here in the rain. To be honest,  I find that people cannot drive here full stop. Aside from the fact that you can turn right on a red light, and pedestrians can cross the road when the lights turn green for the cars, they also do not say please and thank you whilst driving at all. They do not wait to see if you are letting them into your lane, they will just go (and mo you down in the process).  They will speed up if you're trying to get into a lane, so that you cannot maneuver yourself over.  Driving here can induce heart burn, headaches and outright rage. But there is always Uber... which comes with its own risks all the same.

LA is massive. I feel it's hard to do more than two things in one day. You can try. But it takes time. Everything here seems to take time. From the moment you wake up until the time when your head hits the pillow, you wonder how an earth your day was so full and busy with not actually getting stuff done. It's an odd concept.  People will ask, what you did that day? You feel exhausted. You quickly went to the bank and then popped to the grocery store, before heading on a little hike and then having a coffee meeting later that day. All of that just there would take maybe 3 hours back home. Here, for some weird time warpsy illusion, that would take you 8 hours. You cannot 'pop' anywhere, and nothing is just a 'little'... Everything is epic, everything takes time, and nothing happens quickly. Because in between all of that you have to sort your stuff out for the rest of the day. Make sure it is with you. Because you don't want to have to be heading back 30 minutes in the opposite direction to get your heels for later. You then drive, use the sat nav and maybe get lost, more than likely sit in tons of traffic on the 101 and wish that you had listened to Google maps when it had showed you all red roads. Once you arrive, you have to find a space. It can take you 30 minutes just to find a one and then when you do, you spend 10 minutes reading over the sign more than 100 times. Because the signs here are the devil. They are sent to try you. Confuse you. They try and lure you into a false sense of security and make you think you can leave you car there for a good while and then you come back to a parking fine because you had parked an inch too far away from the curb or your bonnet was a centimetre too small for the road you were on between the times specified.

Once you trust that you can, you head off to hike. And the hikes are spectacular. You don't want to just do a little hike, you want to get to the top. You want to take in the epic views and contemplate life and your dreams and what your going to do next, and whether your car may have been towed because you think you may not have tucked your wing mirror in between 8.12am and 8.17am. You take your time, you catch your breath, you take a selfie, you take another... and then you have to get back down. All of this and you haven't even got to your coffee meeting yet. So yes, things do take a while here. There is a lot of space in-between places and horrendous drivers whilst getting to them places. But still, the pros out way the cons.

LA is full of beautiful things. Cute coffee shops, amazing restaurants, great classes, blue seas, pretty houses, lots of sun and sand and kale...

Firstly I feel obliged as and actor to give some info that I know other actors have been asking regarding my time here. What classes are good and are workshops worthwhile? Do you have have a chance to meet Quentin Tarrantino and is it appropriate to give him a hug or ask for a job in his next Sci Fi meets Greek tragedy film (this is not inside info, please don't sue me)

So in the next blog post (I thought it best to divide into two because I do talk a lot) I shall give my top tips on having a scrummy ol time here, whether your an actor or not...

I woke up yesterday feeling impatient, uneasy... lost. I realised I haven't been keeping account of my trip. Not even with pictures. Usually I can at least rely on a million selfies or ootd posts. But I have been slack. I cannot fathom why. The overall 

consensus

 I came up with is that I cannot be having a great time. If I am not taking pics of the fun I am having then perhaps I am not having fun at all???

But the thing is, I am. 

Its difficult because, I'm not exactly doing much. I have had a few auditions. Not as many as I would like, but I think no actor ever does feel 

completely

 content with audition spec. I have been reading pilots, throwing around ideas to write a pilot. Blogging once a week. Eating, drinking, meeting up with people. My Mum asked me, if your not really doing much, are you experiencing it at all? It was a question that stung. I mean... I am experiencing it. I have hiked, a lot. I have seen beautiful sunsets on beautiful beaches. I have drank red wine and talked long into the night with new friends and put the world to rights with old ones. I have spent too much in whole foods and I have worked out in the park surrounded by palm trees. I have got used to driving on the right side, drank dozens of coffees, eaten so much kale I am pooing green poos, gone to the puppy shop and sat with puppies for a long while. I have peed in the sea for christ sakes. I have driven along the PCH singing to Taylor Swift and sat in endless coffee shops pretending to work, sending one e mail every 2 hours. I have been shopping on Melrose when I shouldn't have been, I have met people in the industry with countless advise and met new people with countless stories and I have been creating memories. Sort of. I say sort of, because this isn't a holiday. This is life. And generally, day to day life can seem mundane. It's simple. It means waking up at 8am, faffing on whats app, e mails, instagram. Heading out to exercise, eating brekki, having a shower, getting ready, taking a selfie, (lots of selfies) posting one on insta and deleting the rest. You head out and you help your friend with a self tape and then you head for lunch and a drink and then meet another friend for a catch up. Sometimes you have an audition and other times you go to the coffee shop and write. You have a million and one things to do, but can't quite fathom what they are unless perhaps, your driving. Then you remember every single thing you have ever had to do, wanted to do and should be doing. You arrive home to realise you now can't remember all of that stuff you had to do... and you sit faffing for another couple of hours before deciding what to do for dinner. You are experiencing, living, out here in another country, but essentially, that isn't overly exciting to other people. BUT, it isn't a 9-5 job doing a job I don't want to do. I am not having to do that for a short space of time and for that I am so very grateful. So even if I am not bungee jumping into shark infested water, or having lunch dates with Ryan Gosling, I am still experiencing LA. (and I am not complaining)

The downside to no work, is that money runs out... and it will run out, and I need to get proactive. I can't lie that thoughts of stripping have gone through my head. I kid... sort of. Selling your eggs pays well -_- Life out here costs. Well life anywhere costs. A car, excessive rent, acting class, food (cocktails) It all adds up. The best idea I have had is to give up booze, Save the calories and the pennies. 

My body and wallet currently do not know what has hit them. I need to save both. Maybe writing this in print will give the the motivation to stick to it. Maybe I should give up booze for lent. A week late is better than not at all right? Jesus won't mind. 

My panic yesterday resided with the fact that I am not doing enough. Writing enough, taking enough pics, blogging enough, instgramming enough, being productive enough... I know for a fact I need to take one step at a time. But what comes first? And with no routine, all of the above seems horrendous. This place has a habit of making you feel like you are possibly not doing enough because everyone else is apparently doing... well, everything your not. 

So... I take a big breath and breathe... sort out a plan of action, make a list and plan my life. 

But first... lunch!

I pride myself on being an open person. Not necessarily honest at all times, but very rarely do I

not

wear my heart on my sleeve. Well, I try to always be open with others. I like sharing, mainly because I like people sharing back. I despise small talk and pointless convo, and even if I am not the smartest cookie (because cookies are so smart -_-) I like to debate and talk about things that matter. Sometimes I like to talk about Scarlett Johanssons body in that film where her body looked amazing, and sometimes I like to talk about crap, like if Kim K really did break the internet. I say sometimes, probably

a lot

. But if I have an opinion on it, I'll talk about it for days. That beats small talk. About the weather and what your doing for work at the moment. Shoot me in the head if you hear me say 'Gosh it's so sunny today'

Which out here, I have said a lot. In LA, there is more small talk than I am used to. And I have been swept in. Because when someone here asks you how your day is, you don't really want to respond with '

Well, I had this audition and it didn't go great, well, it didn't go bad, but I just wasn't feeling it, and they didn't seem to feel it and so now I feel a bit bummed and what is the point in all of this, maybe I should just do something else, maybe acting isn't for me... wait, I am giving the universe bad signals, I do want this, I do want to act, I just don't NEED it, right universe? That's what I am meant to say? If I want it but pretend not to want it too much, all will be well... so yeah, the audition went OK, who knows you win some you loose some, it's in the universes hands

' and you look up to said universe and give it a sly little wink like you're both in on the same inside joke and you pray the universe doesn't clock that little pinch of (I really do want to book this job) because, well you know, the universe repels neediness like a boy you're  dating who you have just asked to see three nights in a row... so you look across at the semi stranger, (someone you just met last week for coffee because that's what you do here) and you say 'Yes, my days been great, I mean how could it not, look at the weather, it's so sunny here' and they reply, 'Gosh yes it rains a lot in England doesn't it?' and your in, your off on the small talk train and it's hard to jump off.

Sometimes I want to give all of me. Most of the time I want to give all of me. Then there are times when that is not appropriate. All of me can be annoying, over whelming, boring, too much. But...When your not being yourself, there's a strange sense of misjustice. I feel like I'm cheating myself. Like I'm wasting time in life conning myself and the people around me. But sometimes, I feel the people around me do not help me be myself. I feel suffocated by their intentions or their own ego or their own life issues. And in dealing with their own drama, I feel myself and my ego reacting to it. Not consciously. But subconsciously I feel my soul drain second by second and feel weak with thought process malfunction. And whilst they are dealing with their own issues, I am out here dealing with mine.

All I ever want to be is myself really. I want to be so self assured, so accepting of my own flaws and traits, that I am comfortable to just be 'all of me' at any one time with any person that I meet. And there will always be someone that doesn't like some of you or all of you and still, at the ripe old age of 30, I still find that hard to process. I want to be liked. And I really do feel that most people do. When I hear people say they don't care if

Julie

likes them, I firstly feel envious of such liberation and then I secondly feel sceptical because often I think that's a protection barrier. Because why would you not want

Julie

to like you? You don't meet

Julie

and hope that she doesn't like you. Yes wasting time trying to convince

Julie

that you're a good person or a funny person or an interesting person or how utterly great you are, is pointless. Probably because if she was to get to know you, the good the bad and the ugly, she might think those things anyways.

I always remember asking a good friend of mine... 'don't you worry if people don't like you', and she replied 'Naahh, if they got to know me they would.' and I never got it. I never understood how someone could be so free spirited about that. So sure that people would like her if they knew her. Which is silly, because I know she was right. If they knew her the way I did, they would love her the way I did. But having that reassurance about your own self... seemed unfathomable. If people got to know me they might see that I don't like sharing food, and that I am selfish at times. They would see that I am over the top and loud and opinionated. That I like talking... a lot. They would hear me be mean sometimes, or that I get defensive or grumpy or bossy. Worst still, they may not approve of my poo jokes. There are a lot of poo jokes. But as I have gotten a bit more self assured, I have started to sort of get what she means. When I meet people, if they are genuine, sincere and openly themselves, I often by pass the flaws, and end up liking them when I get to know them. That same courtesy comes back to you too. When you know someone, and you see why their behaviour is the way it is, often you end up relating to their behaviour, you see why someone might make that inappropriate joke, or come across as arrogant or barely even smile at you. You can empathise with most character traits because we all have them. And often, more often than not, the judgement I make of someone is a reflection of me and my own issues and not the other person. I recognise when I walk away from a person and I feel there was insincerity, It makes me feel like, they didn't trust me enough to be themselves. I sometimes walk away and think 'gosh they were an arrogant cock bucket' and inside I don't like it because it unnerves something in me, that someone doesn't sensor themselves the way I think appropriate. Sometimes people make us feel aways about ourselves or more to the point, we let people affect us and we feel aways. More often than not, If I don't like someone on first meeting it will be because I sensed they don't like me. (Unless they were racist or misogynistic or just dam right rude) But even then, people are who they are because of shit they have going around in their head. And most of the time, its stuff that we have going around in our heads too. We all just deal with it differently.

I worked with some people who I really did not jell with. I found them to be insincere and hurtful. Arrogant and so unsympathetic, that I thought they may be on the verge of psychopathic. I could not relate to them. Everything they did, every bad feeling they made me feel, I took to heart. I took it so personally, I would go home and cry because it felt apparent they didn't like me, and yet they would sort of pretend to and there was this mist of nastiness that resided over me daily. Once I stepped back, it became obvious that they hadn't liked me. It was hard to deal with (I am not one of those, ahhh who cares if they don't like me, I don't like them) sort of people. (Because I am just not one of those people.) Looking back though, I see that It made sense why they didn't like me. I did not appease them. I did not fit into the expectation they had of me and in return they didn't accommodate my needs. My need for them to be genuine and sincere. I was angry a lot, frustrated a lot and not giving the best version of me. Probably, I was the worst version of me. They felt that I didn't like them, I didn't listen to them, I didn't agree with them, so therefore they didn't really like me, and vice verser. We all played this game of pretend, because it's work. That's what you do. And it took me a long time to understand why they despised me so much. And when I realised why, it all felt so trivial. They didn't really know the real me. Because they were never genuine enough to warrant getting the real me on a daily basis. I didn't feel comfortable being me, wholeheartedly because I didn't trust them not to take the bad traits in me and use them against me. But what ended up happening was my ego would get all defensive. I was defending myself against other egos and we were in a full on ego war.

Deep down, I don't believe they are bad people as neither am I.(most of the time) We all want to be liked. We all want to fulfil an ego based expectation, whether it be to be the best one, the powerful one, the funny one, the kind one, the trust worthy one, the knowledgeable one, the interesting one... and if you meet people who have the same wants, you battle. But under all of that, don't we just want the person we meet to

get us

. To empathise with us, relate to us, connect with us. I am OK to meet someone I don't do those things with, hence I only have a handful of people who I trust with ALL of me, warts and all. But in every meet up I have, I want to find something in common, something we can laugh at together, something real to talk about. When I meet someone, it's not like I am praying 'Dear universe, I hope we talk about the weather today' I want to meet people I can be honest with, and who I can trust with all of me. Those people do not come around often, but the more honest I am, the more you realise who to talk to about that shit audition and who maybe to just discuss the weather forecast with.

Honestly... 

I don't like sharing food.

Julie is not a real person. 

I have never watched 'Back to the Furture'

I wasn't into Michael Jackson 

I wish I had tried harder at school

I wish I had been less obnoxious at school

I hate washing up cutlery

I cannot stand men in cuban heels

I can't stand football

I have a hairy belly button ( I take care of it) 

I sometimes don't shave for more than two months

I think about food vs getting fat way more than I should

I like Millionaire Matchmaker 

Spice Girls will always be my jam 

I say things like 'be my jam'