Since my trip to LA I have been asked how the acting is going. Did I have any progress whilst I was there? What next? Did anything life changing happen? And I completely get it. I understand that friends and family are intrigued.  It's a curious business. It's full of unanswerable questions and untangible results. It takes fearless determination and whole hearted acceptance of NOT being in the right place at the right time more often than not. You are going against the grain, the expected, the thing you are meant to do. Sometimes you feel existentially powerful in making the choice to fight for this career and sometimes you feel discernibly weak and insecure for staying in a business that can so easily hurt your soul. If you let it. 

It's hard when people ask you questions that you can only half answer. Or that you cannot answer at all or you fear the answers will be terribly disappointing to the one asking, or worse still, disappointing to yourself.  You could answer with answers that may offend people, that may have people disagreeing with you or answers people find shamefully too honest or too long winded. Answers that sound like justifications or excuses. You want to make sure you don't sound bitter or deluded or disillusioned or mad. Not to yourself, but to the people wanting to know... have you made it yet? Did you get what you have always wanted? Will you never have to work on reception again? Can you buy a house in the hills or fly first class? Are you in a show and have you met Ryan Gosling? Will you still be chasing something? Will you ever not be? Will you give up? When will you give up? What are you willing to sacrifice? Are you happy?

People may not ask these things directly, but they are questions that are hidden in an indirect curiosity that I myself have when I meet people in the industry.  Gosh, often it is all we talk about. We mull over it, discuss it, debate it, digest it. Ask each other a lot of the same questions we ask ourselves. We talk of the disappointing answers we sometimes have to give and we all camp together, one big group of us against the world, sort of in it together in a huddle of madness. Are we happy?

Any progress? Did I have progress in LA? In my career? It's hard to explain to someone that just getting through a day as an actor, can be tough. Not in a 'I'm saving the world' sort of tough. We are not that narcissistic (I swear)... But progress is made just by getting through a day where we may not have acted, we may not have earned money to pay the bills doing the profession we proclaim to be doing. Our day can sometimes just be submitting yourself to castings or finding a class you like or avoiding watching reality TV. The progress I make is sometimes just that of not quitting. Sticking with it. Sometimes progress is just learning to wait and trust and 'be'. Progress is knowing the process and learning to live in it and grow in it and learn from it. Acting is a profession in which you do not have an end goal. There may not be that one big job that changes your life forever. I could go fifty years just working on my craft. Being a jobbing actor. And that would be, should be good enough. To pay the bills with acting money, now wouldn't that be a joy. 

Or would it? 

I want to tell my family and the people that ask and care and want this acting lark for me (possibly more than I do) that tangible, feesable, seeable progress was made. I want to reassure them that the trip was worth while. That I have proof that this was life changing and a step forward. For them. I want to let them know it's OK. Tell them I booked a job, starred alongside Morgan Freeman and that girl from that show. (You know the one? The popular one with those cute freckles) I want so much to tell my mum that it's paying off. So I can see the excitement in her eyes for me, that all this time, and sacrifice and effort has been worth it. I don't want my mum to think I have just been having a jolly. Just eating and hiking for two months. I want her to know that the belief she has had in me for the last thirty years, is not wasted. It is in fact about to pay off. I can take her on that trip to Bali and I can pay her back all the money I owe her. I want to hug her so tight for all the times she ever felt sad when I heard a no. To see the worry disappear from her face because she knows she doesn't have to worry about me calling her up balling because I don't know what I am doing with my life. 

I want to book that job, so I don't have to be a thirty year old working in a hair dresser reception when I don't want to be. So I don't have to ask my boyfriend to cover the rent this month. So I can buy that Zara top. So I can take three months out and write a book, So I can say that all my dreams came true. So I can say, 'See, staying with it, working hard for it, it pays off.' So I can prove to myself that all those times I nearly turned away from it, I can say 'Ahh, see, imagine if you had' 

But the answer (I wish I had booked a job so I could play a great character and do some great acting, for a great director and an amazing production.) It comes far down on my list. Because I spent the last two years getting to act and play and tell stories. I don't have to wait for the phone to ring, or WME to take me on, or Seth Rogan to write me a part, or Shonda Rhymes to put me in her TV show. I don't have to be better, or prettier or skinnier or taller or funnier or more charismatic. More talented, more open, more connected, more wealthy, more free, more 'up someones bum'... I don't have to be more anything. I can be me, right now, with no signed contract in my hand to prove that I have made progress. Not for the people asking. Not for myself. 

I currently feel OK at accepting that I am angry at the industry, the system. I have no answers. Except knowing finally, that what makes me happy, isn't necessarily what I have been chasing this whole time. TBC

So I've been in LA for over two weeks now and I have felt days where I have been completely overwhelmed.

I can't tell whether this is positive or negative. I guess they are both. 

People are doers here. They do. They do not procrastinate, they do not talk about doing it, they do not dream about it... they do, they just get on with it. Today that intimidates me. Yesterday it inspired me. I guess that's because I'm human.

The biggest comparison to home is the fact that people praise hard work here. People like to have lists of things to do and try and people here give a massive high five to that. It's not embarrassing or too try hard or too needy to want something so bad that you give your all to it. It's not shameful to try and fail and try again to fail ten more times, to try again. Californians seem to love that. People here do not seem intimidated by your dreams or threatened by your desire for more. For more money, for more ambition, for more drive, for more shit to do...whatever more it is you want, people will encourage it and praise it and push you to do it.

Back home I've found that people, on a general basis, do not have this same mentality. Working hard does not seem as encouraged or championed as say the accidental success story. At home we love an underdog. The guy that won the lottery the first time he played it, or the middle aged woman that wrote a blog and it just so happened that the CEO of penguin publications read it loved it and commissioned her for a three book deal. We all love the story that JK Rowlings Harry P sat on her book shelf for years and then just one day out of the blue her friend says to her after taking a glimpse that she should get it published. And oh low and behold just like that an assistant read it and forced her boss to take notice. And the rest is history.... No one cares or wants to think about how much actual work and pushing she really went through to get Harry P noticed. It's cringey to think how hard some people try. I know it is because I cringe. I cringe at myself. It always brings me to that same old question...'What am I trying for, sacrificing for, working hard for?' And the scariest question, 'Does it pay off?' Back home I think a lot of people might say no, in LA without a doubt the answer is 'yes, yes of course it does.' 

I guess I used to believe that the magic was toworkhard, but not need an end result so bad that you might die if you don't achieve it. Work hard but pretend you don't want to reep the rewards. Work hard but don't be disappointed when nothing comes of it? Or is the magic in wanting it, seeing it, believing it and then working for it and not stopping till you get it because why the hell would I stop? 

I get same old question time and time again... 'When will you give up?' Which makes you want scream in saids persons face for a multiple of reasons... a) You are never going to give up... When are you going to give up your boring 9-5 job that you hate so much because the boss is a douch and he overworks you? B) its frustrating that people think it is just a hobbie C) because it niggles away at a spot of fear where sometimes, just sometimes you think, maybe you should become a yoga teacher, knit owls or move to Thailand (refer to 2 blogs back) Because along the way you might realise what you thought you wanted isn't what you really want and what you thought you were working for ends up leading you to something else entirely. But at least if you try and you work hard, your chances of achieving great things are far hire than if you just bought a lottery ticket and sat watching reruns of Friends every night. 

The one thing I know for sure, when people add that other really insightful joyful question, whats your dream? Your goal? Eastenders? I know for sure the one thing I am looking for is time. Christian Bale was once asked what he was grateful for now he had all of the monies, and he replied time. Money can buy you time. Time to take a year out, time to learn another language, time to reflect, time to just 'be' and I know for a fact that's the aim, that's the end goal. Yes I like to act, and yes I like to play different people and tell stories and get on stage and get the buzz, and watch the end production and say 'Yehhhh we did that' but I am not shy to admit that I want to reep the benefits of that. The ability to not have to work 8 hours a day to just pay the rent, leaving me no time to do said story telling, production watching, or buzzing on stage. Having to earn money slogging away to just 'survive' does not tickle my fancies, and yes, some people may say 'Who do you think you are? We have to go to work and do a job we don't like that much, to retire at 65 if we are lucky and then go forth and experience LIFE'  once we have retired, but the point I think is, you don't have to. We do not have to stay molly coddled by the 'THIS IS WHAT WE ARE MEANT TO DO' The thought process that that, is the only option we have. And of course some people are more than content with that choice, and life and are fully content with that, but if your not, if there is something you want to pursue so you can have more time, early retirement, better quality of life (because noone 'wants' to shop in Iceland) Then it's OK to work hard to get it. Here in LA, that is welcomed, and at home, I feel that is shunned. 

It's not as easy as saying 'Wahoo I want to be a Spice girl' you can't just give up your job and start your pop career the next day. Rent has to be paid somehow, but this is stuff we can be doing, progressing, working on, in between the hours of hell on earth temping. That 30 minutes I am on the bus scrolling through Instagram I could be writing to casting directors; organising my show reel edit; choosing head shots;  writing a scene. There is ways to utilise dead time, and it isn't with pinning loads of brides dresses onto a board, for a wedding that I am not planning yet. (Obviously I so don't do that) -_-

Here is a clip that literally changed my life that I watched a few months a go. A good friend sent it to me and the very next day I booked my flight to LA. Shonda Rhimes is my WCW... she Is smart and funny and wise and a little intimidating, and I love her. This whole speech rings true to what I have just been saying and what I feel differs in LA to home...

Stop dreaming, start doing!

When we were growing up, dreaming of stardom and the big and small screen, we had people we looked up to. Women that inspired us, made us laugh and made us want to get up on stage or behind the camera and do something great. Strong women with a strong sense of self, who made us pee our pants. They still, today, are women we look up to.

Goldie Hawn and Meryl Streep

Brenda Blethyn

Bette Middler

Dawn French

Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley

Julie Walters

Victoria Wood

Susan Sarondon and Genea Davis