I haven’t written in this space for a while or very consistently. I notice I do it for me, when I need to, rather than on a content schedule. Not good for growth, but far better for my soul.
I have also been spending some more time over at www.iloveyoumorethanmarzipan.com where myself and my mum have been sharing how we feel about mums Stage 4 lung cancer. Emotions have been on pause on that also for a while. Sometimes life just carries on and you don’t have a second to figure it all out. Sometimes life just happens so quickly and you do not have time to blog it, vlog it, podcast it, instastory, caption, youtube it. Sometimes you just gotta live it.
But today, today I need to disect some things and get my emotions down on paper before I forget them as its already been a week.
I have shared a lot of the actual reality and practicals of whats happened over the last month over on Episode 1 of my Podcast “Fuck Fuck Fuck: This is Life” (I will post really soon) I decided to record a podcast for women that do NOT have their shit together and see what comes up. But for today, here is a safer space to perhaps get a bit deeper in how I feel.
On the 31st of March, Mothers day, I did two pregnancy tests with my mum in tow and we found out I was pregnant. Fuck. I was pregnant. It was a happy day. Such a glorious day where we all just smiled. A lot. In what has been a hard, dark year for our family, it was so joyous to have this news.
We had begun trying (albeit once) and the news was clearly a little miracle in a dark time. The whole family felt good and we buzzed off this for the next month and got ecstatically happy. We called it lentil (like the annoying parents to be do) and we begun making plans. Plans to move to a bigger place. Plans to have hypnobirthing. Plans to babymoon/honeymoon.
Then last Tuesday, one month after finding out and 8 weeks pregant, we found out we were miscarrying. We were 10 weeks to the gestation day. We were blissfully happy with our little miracle and we were devastated to learn we were no longer pregnant.
People don't talk about miscarriage a lot I’ve noticed. When looking online for “How I should/might/could feel” or “What to expect” or “unlikely thoughts you have when losing a baby” there's just not the info out there. It’s like it’s taboo to discuss it, which in turn makes you feel like it’s unusual or weird or that YOU are fucked up in some way that you coudn’’t stay pregnant and that if you do talk about it you are attention seeking. Like I have this overriding sense and worry that people just think 🙄 "it's basically a period why you upset?" I know I know deep down people aren't thinking this. But there is this weird feeling I have to not be "too much" about it. An old silly thought pattern that rears its head when I am vulnerable.
In searching for similar feelings or people that have at least gone through it to find out how they experienced it, you come across alot of "formal" sites that tell you what to expect (in vague) terms about how long you "might" bleed for and how much pain you "might" feel and when you "maybe" should start trying again... But despite 1 in 5 women miscarrying, there's just not a lot of people discussing it. What it feels like. What thoughts it brings up. What emotions you become aware of and what attachments you make to silly things like having a Xmas baby or being gorgeously fat during the summer wearing maternity dresses. Perhaps romanticized ideas about pregnancy as reality may be that I am throwing up in a tracksuit at home every trimester. But still. You grow fond of your ideolised ideals of what pregnancy is gonna be like for you and I had got so excited I just kept saying "I want a bump, I can't wait till the scan, Eeeek, I Don't mind if it's a boy or girl (girl please) as long as its healthy"
We had planned it yes and despite thinking it would take months and hoping it might, it took one time and when it happened it felt like Christmas eve every day.
You hear that people feel it's their fault and that even though it’s not, you may over think that dead-lift you did a few weeks ago or the times you got drunk when u ddidn't know u were preggo yet.
You question. Fuck was that what did it?
But I rationalise. I know it was just a simple set of chromosomes that didn't vibe together.
And, despite that my body "seems" like it let me down. I know it hasn't. How clever of it to know it wasn't the right time. The right baby for us. The right puzzle fit of teeny tiny cells. How amazing that the body knew that something went wrong & it let us part ways, now, sooner rather than later. The body knew how to get us ready for our family that "does" come when it comes, at the right time, when everything is aligned.
There's so many ways to perceive a situation. I read a quote today that felt fitting.
I'm not saying its easy for everyone to make peace with what feels like a cruel circumstance. Im not saying everyone "should" but I am so aware that I have a choice. And I really choose to see how lucky we are. Lucky to fall pregnant so quick. Lucky to be able to get pregnant. I may be feeling very differently if we had tried for years. But I can only share my story. From my view point. If you're here for it. This is how I feel.
I am just so grateful to have J. So grateful for mum to be alive. So grateful that my body is doing what it's doing (it's best) I am so aware that what I focus on is what I will get in abundance. Don't get me wrong. I used to hate people that spoke all this grattitude lark. They triggered me. They bought up something in me about my own negativity and my own moaning. And don't get me wrong. I've cried. I've wallowed. I've had a moment. But emotionally, that was going to drain me (us) and I wanted to be in as best position mentally to get through this and then be well enough to move on.
So emotionally I feel good. I feel I (we) have made peace with what's happening. But wow I feel physically shit. My body feels like it’s done 10 rounds with Mike Tyson (showing my age, couldn’t think of that young boxer everyone fancies lol) Anthony… yes Anthony Joshua! I feel like I am going through the worst period I’ve ever had and I know it’s going to get worse. The doc informed me, “oh no, this won’t feel like a period, it will feel a lot worse” Ah great. That’s good then isn’t it. Because despite the fact that we lost the baby at around 6 weeks, we havent actually passed the pregnancy. So you wait. You wait to "actually" lose the baby.
Yet life still continues & you are going about your business and yet you are losing your baby. Seems mad. Seems mad that I am posting on Instagram and talking about my body and I am yet to discuss what is really going on as we speak. I find that difficult because I (over) share, a lot :) I feel like I speak to whoever watches insta stories, daily, I ramble and bumble away and it feels like I am lying and skipping over something so serious that is going on with me this very second.
I am miscarrying our baby and I want to speak about it.
Some would say this is cruel. Cancer AND a miscarriage in the space of a few months. I don’t know. Of course I had that thought on the day. A bit like “really universe? Really?” but I don’t believe it works like that. I am not being punished. It’s just life. This. is. life. For some reason this was not the right time or baby for us. Ya know how in all those corny films the parents of a new baby say “thanks for choosing us to be your parents.” Well i guess, we weren’t chosen this time. And that’s OK.
You do have these thoughts that perhaps it’s our fault somehow. You do wonder what you could have done different. I felt for 5 minutes that J may blame me secretly or that he would wonder if it were me, if he thought I shouldn’t have gone to the gym or I shoudn’’t have missed taking my folic acid on one of the days. Of course, he didn’t think that, not once, or if he did, he knew it was probably irrational and not to share it.
We both have had those insecure worrying thoughts. But we have moved passed them pretty quickly. They didn’t serve us well. So instead we are being positive about the future and our little family that we hope to grow.
The moments of impatience are now there. Before we fell pregnant I was in no rush. The baby would come when it came and I had no expectations of how long it would take us. It was a shock it had been so quick. But now. Oh dear, now I feel it. The rush. I want to be pregnant now. Oh how I would really love to be pregnant now. And if I can’t have my Christmas baby then a Christmas bump would be amazing. But that kind of pressure is nuts. I don’t want to lose the ease we had with trying last time. I don’t want it to feel forced. I hope we can let go of the “need” because we do not “need” to have this baby “now” We need to just be well, and content and happy. We need to just love our lives.
It has bought us closer together. Its a sadness that only we share. Not even the sadness about mum can J really relate to the same as me. It feels like my pain and that has been rocky at times. Whereas this feels like “our” upset. “Our” loss. “Our” moment in time that will forever connect us. He has been nothing short of the wonderful human I always knew he was. Hes watched the doc put a long dildo shaped object covered in lube and a condom in me whilst the miscarriage was confirmed to have happened a couple of weeks back. Hes done my vitamins every night (or I’d forget) he’s grabbed me pain killers, let me ball, let me throw my breakfast on the floor. He’ s held me, made me laugh, watched copious amounts of Game Of Thrones with me, cooked dinner for me and he has been with me in making peace with what has happened. He has truly been my favourite person and the husband that I needed this week.
So now, now we wait. Whilst my body goes through this and it takes the beating because that is how amazing our bodies are. They are resilient. It’s easy to forget just how amazing our bodies can be when Cancer has taken over and that resentment draws close. But really, we forget what wonders the body can do. It knew when something was wrong and it will allow me to pass this pregnancy and hopefully it will allow me to get pregnant again. We cannot do anything else now other than just let this go and move forward, I am really not saying everyone should or can nor am I saying it’s easy to let go in a short space of time, but for us, this is what we feel and this is what we want to do. Move through this one step at a time. As calmly as possible, in gratitude that we have each other to go through it together. Gosh I sound like I’m trying to be Oprah lol. Forgive me. If you need to go scream into a pillow for 3 months. Do. Do what you need to do. There is never any judgement here. But you aren’t alone. Thats all I wanted to say really. If you stumble across this blog and are going through this. You are not alone. This is not your fault. Your body is amazing, it is not your fault and this is normal!
Love Fanni xxx