insecurity

Toxic

And I do not mean the Britney song. We all have them in our lives. Toxic friends, toxic people we work with. Even toxic family members. People that try to make you feel like shite. Those people that are not on your team. The ones that secretly smile when they see you fail, or they get a pang of annoyance when they see you succeed. They give you compliments, yet they are underhand and they somehow let slip an ounce of information that 'might' play on your insecurities. Toxic people that mess up your chi. Chi that you have spent a long time trying not to mess with yourself.

The thing is, when you start to question the people you surround yourself with,you have to look at yourself first. Holy moses, god forbid I am not a perfect specimen of grace and kindness. But... I'm not. I am human. We are human.

The question I have asked myself throughout the years... Am I Regina George? I can pretend that I don't have an ounce of mean molecules in my body. I can 'say' that I am the 'nicest person EVER. But no-one would believe me. Not even I believe me. Not even my mum could say that I was. My ego and insecurities can turn me into a big old mighty twat.

I've been that person to hear of someone's good news and get a pang of jealousy. I'd like to put it out there that we all have horrible thoughts (occasionally). About people, about situations. Even our loved ones. People we consider friends. If I am in this alone then stick a pickle up my bum hole and throw me to the sharks.  

As you get older, you start to ask yourself 'how can you control the negative feelings? How can I be a better human?' It's not that I do voodoo on anyone or wish that their hair would fall out (If you have seen The Craft then I know you know)I just mean the general crap. The slagging someone off, the bad vibes, the grumpiness, the ignoring of people, rolling your eyes when they annoy you, the little dig when they talk about their new, shiny expensive shoes 'Ooo babe, are you sure you should spend your money on that?' Or just the head chatter. The things you may not say out loud, but you think in your head for a slight moment, the smile you don't give or the 'hi' you don't wave...

We let our feelings,  which I believe are affected by thoughts, eat away our light and leave us in he dark.  

I found my old diaries.(the ones that prompted the blog) There is no way of avoiding that I have been that person. The only thing I try and do differently now is, that I catch myself. I have either said something judgemental or I am about to and I ask myself, what am I really thinking that is making me have this feeling that means I 'act like a C word'

I am on insta one day a few years back... I see that a fellow actress has booked an acting job. She's not a friend friend, but I know her. We speak here and there. My immediate feeling isn't happiness for her.(and maybe I am alone in this, maybe I am the worst human alive) But honestly, it wasn't 'wahooo' for her, it was 'oh' for me. It was 'How is that fair... Why does she get all this good fortune? Is she even that good?' And what ensued was a tantrum. A 'throw myself on the floor, literally off the sofa and ball my eyes out until I am swallowing snot and I can't breath. Jealousy. Severe, outrageous, pure jealousy.  And although I didn't project any nastiness onto the person in question (because I was still a decent human in many ways and wasn't one of those weird trolly types) perhaps I wasn't shitting out toxic turds onto her directly, but I was filling my flat up with the bad energy and I was intoxicating my own brain, my own soul. I believed my own thoughts enough to make me react like a two year old brat.

A while later I saw a pinterest quote (of course) and it said...

"jealousy is admitting to yourself that you don't think you will ever have what that person has and envy is knowing that you want it too, and can"

and something clicked a little. The feeling-(why not me?) jealousy, the thoughts deep down-(I'm not good enough) like someone's fortune was a lack in me. Like they were stealing something from me, like there wasn't enough jobs to go around, like the closer someone else got to (what? who knows) the further away I got. 

When I was eleven I became friends with the new cool girl. My insecurity fear based teenage angst grew and I slowly became toxic for a while. I abandoned my kind souled best friend and tossed her in for hair mousse and lip gloss. I no longer wanted to write plays and perform them, I wanted to write journals and adorn them, with names of boys and doodles of things mean girls doodle. Arriving at big school was one big toxic hell hole.  One place full of girls all going through that one thing that defines our behaviour time and time again. 'Who are we? And are we good enough?' And for most thirteen year old girls, the answer was easy, not as good as Nancy with the rock solid abs, not as good as Suse in her brand new hipster bootleg jeans (the exact ones) All Saints wore, not as good as Amanda, look at her round, pert, large boobs.  

Those feelings of inadequacy thrive on bad thoughts. Every action thereafter is to rid yourself of such thoughts of worthlessness-Of feeling less than. Not as pretty as, not as clever as, not as skinny as and in doing so you find people that you think are either 'more than' or 'less than' and you tell them they can't sit at the back of the bus. You maybe snipe at a friend who looks better than you. You may embarrass someone so you look 'funny' After reading my old diaries I found that I breathed toxic behaviour as a teenager. Whilst I was still learning who I was, who I wanted to be. I tried on different masks and characters. I joined forces with other mean people who I subconsciously felt made me worthy. My diary was full of 'people don't like me, my friends hate me, I'm fat, Ooo this boy fancies me, he said I was pretty' I can't read more than one page without feeling even my nostril hairs standing to attention whilst I cringe and my blood runs hot. 

The best way I found to begin ridding myself of the negativity,  was to be empathetic to myself. Aware and empathetic. When you know where your thoughts come from it is so much easier to see why you're being a fanny flap. If I was always beating myself up in front of the mirror, how was I going to go out into the real world and be nice to anyone else?

You get older work out your own thoughts, your behaviour. You cut people out. You realise who your real friends are. The ones cheering when things go good. The ones that are happy because you are. There are still those people, ones that will be so unhappy with themselves that they will make you second guess yourself, doubt your own moral compass, cry when you get home,  but before culling them from your real life, Empathise and relate and look at why you act like a cock bucket sometimes. The world doesn't need more hate, but more love. I never got this before. I've been mean, selfish, self indulgent (I know right, me?) and gradually it dawned on me to try not let my own crap seep into the universe as much. (It's still a working progress) 

So to all the people I have ever been mean to, to my first friend in secondary school who I didn't support through a really hard time, to the pizza man I shouted at for no real good reason, to my friend in school I told her 'happiness seemed fake', to the girl I bundled at the back of the bus in year 8, to the pen pal I never wrote back to and the people I never smiled at in street. 

It's not you... It was me. 

"There is nothing in the world that can bother you as much as your own mind. In fact others seem to be bothering you, but it is not others, it is your own mind" 

To be honest...

I pride myself on being an open person. Not necessarily honest at all times, but very rarely do I

not

wear my heart on my sleeve. Well, I try to always be open with others. I like sharing, mainly because I like people sharing back. I despise small talk and pointless convo, and even if I am not the smartest cookie (because cookies are so smart -_-) I like to debate and talk about things that matter. Sometimes I like to talk about Scarlett Johanssons body in that film where her body looked amazing, and sometimes I like to talk about crap, like if Kim K really did break the internet. I say sometimes, probably

a lot

. But if I have an opinion on it, I'll talk about it for days. That beats small talk. About the weather and what your doing for work at the moment. Shoot me in the head if you hear me say 'Gosh it's so sunny today'

Which out here, I have said a lot. In LA, there is more small talk than I am used to. And I have been swept in. Because when someone here asks you how your day is, you don't really want to respond with '

Well, I had this audition and it didn't go great, well, it didn't go bad, but I just wasn't feeling it, and they didn't seem to feel it and so now I feel a bit bummed and what is the point in all of this, maybe I should just do something else, maybe acting isn't for me... wait, I am giving the universe bad signals, I do want this, I do want to act, I just don't NEED it, right universe? That's what I am meant to say? If I want it but pretend not to want it too much, all will be well... so yeah, the audition went OK, who knows you win some you loose some, it's in the universes hands

' and you look up to said universe and give it a sly little wink like you're both in on the same inside joke and you pray the universe doesn't clock that little pinch of (I really do want to book this job) because, well you know, the universe repels neediness like a boy you're  dating who you have just asked to see three nights in a row... so you look across at the semi stranger, (someone you just met last week for coffee because that's what you do here) and you say 'Yes, my days been great, I mean how could it not, look at the weather, it's so sunny here' and they reply, 'Gosh yes it rains a lot in England doesn't it?' and your in, your off on the small talk train and it's hard to jump off.

Sometimes I want to give all of me. Most of the time I want to give all of me. Then there are times when that is not appropriate. All of me can be annoying, over whelming, boring, too much. But...When your not being yourself, there's a strange sense of misjustice. I feel like I'm cheating myself. Like I'm wasting time in life conning myself and the people around me. But sometimes, I feel the people around me do not help me be myself. I feel suffocated by their intentions or their own ego or their own life issues. And in dealing with their own drama, I feel myself and my ego reacting to it. Not consciously. But subconsciously I feel my soul drain second by second and feel weak with thought process malfunction. And whilst they are dealing with their own issues, I am out here dealing with mine.

All I ever want to be is myself really. I want to be so self assured, so accepting of my own flaws and traits, that I am comfortable to just be 'all of me' at any one time with any person that I meet. And there will always be someone that doesn't like some of you or all of you and still, at the ripe old age of 30, I still find that hard to process. I want to be liked. And I really do feel that most people do. When I hear people say they don't care if

Julie

likes them, I firstly feel envious of such liberation and then I secondly feel sceptical because often I think that's a protection barrier. Because why would you not want

Julie

to like you? You don't meet

Julie

and hope that she doesn't like you. Yes wasting time trying to convince

Julie

that you're a good person or a funny person or an interesting person or how utterly great you are, is pointless. Probably because if she was to get to know you, the good the bad and the ugly, she might think those things anyways.

I always remember asking a good friend of mine... 'don't you worry if people don't like you', and she replied 'Naahh, if they got to know me they would.' and I never got it. I never understood how someone could be so free spirited about that. So sure that people would like her if they knew her. Which is silly, because I know she was right. If they knew her the way I did, they would love her the way I did. But having that reassurance about your own self... seemed unfathomable. If people got to know me they might see that I don't like sharing food, and that I am selfish at times. They would see that I am over the top and loud and opinionated. That I like talking... a lot. They would hear me be mean sometimes, or that I get defensive or grumpy or bossy. Worst still, they may not approve of my poo jokes. There are a lot of poo jokes. But as I have gotten a bit more self assured, I have started to sort of get what she means. When I meet people, if they are genuine, sincere and openly themselves, I often by pass the flaws, and end up liking them when I get to know them. That same courtesy comes back to you too. When you know someone, and you see why their behaviour is the way it is, often you end up relating to their behaviour, you see why someone might make that inappropriate joke, or come across as arrogant or barely even smile at you. You can empathise with most character traits because we all have them. And often, more often than not, the judgement I make of someone is a reflection of me and my own issues and not the other person. I recognise when I walk away from a person and I feel there was insincerity, It makes me feel like, they didn't trust me enough to be themselves. I sometimes walk away and think 'gosh they were an arrogant cock bucket' and inside I don't like it because it unnerves something in me, that someone doesn't sensor themselves the way I think appropriate. Sometimes people make us feel aways about ourselves or more to the point, we let people affect us and we feel aways. More often than not, If I don't like someone on first meeting it will be because I sensed they don't like me. (Unless they were racist or misogynistic or just dam right rude) But even then, people are who they are because of shit they have going around in their head. And most of the time, its stuff that we have going around in our heads too. We all just deal with it differently.

I worked with some people who I really did not jell with. I found them to be insincere and hurtful. Arrogant and so unsympathetic, that I thought they may be on the verge of psychopathic. I could not relate to them. Everything they did, every bad feeling they made me feel, I took to heart. I took it so personally, I would go home and cry because it felt apparent they didn't like me, and yet they would sort of pretend to and there was this mist of nastiness that resided over me daily. Once I stepped back, it became obvious that they hadn't liked me. It was hard to deal with (I am not one of those, ahhh who cares if they don't like me, I don't like them) sort of people. (Because I am just not one of those people.) Looking back though, I see that It made sense why they didn't like me. I did not appease them. I did not fit into the expectation they had of me and in return they didn't accommodate my needs. My need for them to be genuine and sincere. I was angry a lot, frustrated a lot and not giving the best version of me. Probably, I was the worst version of me. They felt that I didn't like them, I didn't listen to them, I didn't agree with them, so therefore they didn't really like me, and vice verser. We all played this game of pretend, because it's work. That's what you do. And it took me a long time to understand why they despised me so much. And when I realised why, it all felt so trivial. They didn't really know the real me. Because they were never genuine enough to warrant getting the real me on a daily basis. I didn't feel comfortable being me, wholeheartedly because I didn't trust them not to take the bad traits in me and use them against me. But what ended up happening was my ego would get all defensive. I was defending myself against other egos and we were in a full on ego war.

Deep down, I don't believe they are bad people as neither am I.(most of the time) We all want to be liked. We all want to fulfil an ego based expectation, whether it be to be the best one, the powerful one, the funny one, the kind one, the trust worthy one, the knowledgeable one, the interesting one... and if you meet people who have the same wants, you battle. But under all of that, don't we just want the person we meet to

get us

. To empathise with us, relate to us, connect with us. I am OK to meet someone I don't do those things with, hence I only have a handful of people who I trust with ALL of me, warts and all. But in every meet up I have, I want to find something in common, something we can laugh at together, something real to talk about. When I meet someone, it's not like I am praying 'Dear universe, I hope we talk about the weather today' I want to meet people I can be honest with, and who I can trust with all of me. Those people do not come around often, but the more honest I am, the more you realise who to talk to about that shit audition and who maybe to just discuss the weather forecast with.

Honestly... 

I don't like sharing food.

Julie is not a real person. 

I have never watched 'Back to the Furture'

I wasn't into Michael Jackson 

I wish I had tried harder at school

I wish I had been less obnoxious at school

I hate washing up cutlery

I cannot stand men in cuban heels

I can't stand football

I have a hairy belly button ( I take care of it) 

I sometimes don't shave for more than two months

I think about food vs getting fat way more than I should

I like Millionaire Matchmaker 

Spice Girls will always be my jam 

I say things like 'be my jam'