To be honest...

I pride myself on being an open person. Not necessarily honest at all times, but very rarely do I


wear my heart on my sleeve. Well, I try to always be open with others. I like sharing, mainly because I like people sharing back. I despise small talk and pointless convo, and even if I am not the smartest cookie (because cookies are so smart -_-) I like to debate and talk about things that matter. Sometimes I like to talk about Scarlett Johanssons body in that film where her body looked amazing, and sometimes I like to talk about crap, like if Kim K really did break the internet. I say sometimes, probably

a lot

. But if I have an opinion on it, I'll talk about it for days. That beats small talk. About the weather and what your doing for work at the moment. Shoot me in the head if you hear me say 'Gosh it's so sunny today'

Which out here, I have said a lot. In LA, there is more small talk than I am used to. And I have been swept in. Because when someone here asks you how your day is, you don't really want to respond with '

Well, I had this audition and it didn't go great, well, it didn't go bad, but I just wasn't feeling it, and they didn't seem to feel it and so now I feel a bit bummed and what is the point in all of this, maybe I should just do something else, maybe acting isn't for me... wait, I am giving the universe bad signals, I do want this, I do want to act, I just don't NEED it, right universe? That's what I am meant to say? If I want it but pretend not to want it too much, all will be well... so yeah, the audition went OK, who knows you win some you loose some, it's in the universes hands

' and you look up to said universe and give it a sly little wink like you're both in on the same inside joke and you pray the universe doesn't clock that little pinch of (I really do want to book this job) because, well you know, the universe repels neediness like a boy you're  dating who you have just asked to see three nights in a row... so you look across at the semi stranger, (someone you just met last week for coffee because that's what you do here) and you say 'Yes, my days been great, I mean how could it not, look at the weather, it's so sunny here' and they reply, 'Gosh yes it rains a lot in England doesn't it?' and your in, your off on the small talk train and it's hard to jump off.

Sometimes I want to give all of me. Most of the time I want to give all of me. Then there are times when that is not appropriate. All of me can be annoying, over whelming, boring, too much. But...When your not being yourself, there's a strange sense of misjustice. I feel like I'm cheating myself. Like I'm wasting time in life conning myself and the people around me. But sometimes, I feel the people around me do not help me be myself. I feel suffocated by their intentions or their own ego or their own life issues. And in dealing with their own drama, I feel myself and my ego reacting to it. Not consciously. But subconsciously I feel my soul drain second by second and feel weak with thought process malfunction. And whilst they are dealing with their own issues, I am out here dealing with mine.

All I ever want to be is myself really. I want to be so self assured, so accepting of my own flaws and traits, that I am comfortable to just be 'all of me' at any one time with any person that I meet. And there will always be someone that doesn't like some of you or all of you and still, at the ripe old age of 30, I still find that hard to process. I want to be liked. And I really do feel that most people do. When I hear people say they don't care if


likes them, I firstly feel envious of such liberation and then I secondly feel sceptical because often I think that's a protection barrier. Because why would you not want


to like you? You don't meet


and hope that she doesn't like you. Yes wasting time trying to convince


that you're a good person or a funny person or an interesting person or how utterly great you are, is pointless. Probably because if she was to get to know you, the good the bad and the ugly, she might think those things anyways.

I always remember asking a good friend of mine... 'don't you worry if people don't like you', and she replied 'Naahh, if they got to know me they would.' and I never got it. I never understood how someone could be so free spirited about that. So sure that people would like her if they knew her. Which is silly, because I know she was right. If they knew her the way I did, they would love her the way I did. But having that reassurance about your own self... seemed unfathomable. If people got to know me they might see that I don't like sharing food, and that I am selfish at times. They would see that I am over the top and loud and opinionated. That I like talking... a lot. They would hear me be mean sometimes, or that I get defensive or grumpy or bossy. Worst still, they may not approve of my poo jokes. There are a lot of poo jokes. But as I have gotten a bit more self assured, I have started to sort of get what she means. When I meet people, if they are genuine, sincere and openly themselves, I often by pass the flaws, and end up liking them when I get to know them. That same courtesy comes back to you too. When you know someone, and you see why their behaviour is the way it is, often you end up relating to their behaviour, you see why someone might make that inappropriate joke, or come across as arrogant or barely even smile at you. You can empathise with most character traits because we all have them. And often, more often than not, the judgement I make of someone is a reflection of me and my own issues and not the other person. I recognise when I walk away from a person and I feel there was insincerity, It makes me feel like, they didn't trust me enough to be themselves. I sometimes walk away and think 'gosh they were an arrogant cock bucket' and inside I don't like it because it unnerves something in me, that someone doesn't sensor themselves the way I think appropriate. Sometimes people make us feel aways about ourselves or more to the point, we let people affect us and we feel aways. More often than not, If I don't like someone on first meeting it will be because I sensed they don't like me. (Unless they were racist or misogynistic or just dam right rude) But even then, people are who they are because of shit they have going around in their head. And most of the time, its stuff that we have going around in our heads too. We all just deal with it differently.

I worked with some people who I really did not jell with. I found them to be insincere and hurtful. Arrogant and so unsympathetic, that I thought they may be on the verge of psychopathic. I could not relate to them. Everything they did, every bad feeling they made me feel, I took to heart. I took it so personally, I would go home and cry because it felt apparent they didn't like me, and yet they would sort of pretend to and there was this mist of nastiness that resided over me daily. Once I stepped back, it became obvious that they hadn't liked me. It was hard to deal with (I am not one of those, ahhh who cares if they don't like me, I don't like them) sort of people. (Because I am just not one of those people.) Looking back though, I see that It made sense why they didn't like me. I did not appease them. I did not fit into the expectation they had of me and in return they didn't accommodate my needs. My need for them to be genuine and sincere. I was angry a lot, frustrated a lot and not giving the best version of me. Probably, I was the worst version of me. They felt that I didn't like them, I didn't listen to them, I didn't agree with them, so therefore they didn't really like me, and vice verser. We all played this game of pretend, because it's work. That's what you do. And it took me a long time to understand why they despised me so much. And when I realised why, it all felt so trivial. They didn't really know the real me. Because they were never genuine enough to warrant getting the real me on a daily basis. I didn't feel comfortable being me, wholeheartedly because I didn't trust them not to take the bad traits in me and use them against me. But what ended up happening was my ego would get all defensive. I was defending myself against other egos and we were in a full on ego war.

Deep down, I don't believe they are bad people as neither am I.(most of the time) We all want to be liked. We all want to fulfil an ego based expectation, whether it be to be the best one, the powerful one, the funny one, the kind one, the trust worthy one, the knowledgeable one, the interesting one... and if you meet people who have the same wants, you battle. But under all of that, don't we just want the person we meet to

get us

. To empathise with us, relate to us, connect with us. I am OK to meet someone I don't do those things with, hence I only have a handful of people who I trust with ALL of me, warts and all. But in every meet up I have, I want to find something in common, something we can laugh at together, something real to talk about. When I meet someone, it's not like I am praying 'Dear universe, I hope we talk about the weather today' I want to meet people I can be honest with, and who I can trust with all of me. Those people do not come around often, but the more honest I am, the more you realise who to talk to about that shit audition and who maybe to just discuss the weather forecast with.


I don't like sharing food.

Julie is not a real person. 

I have never watched 'Back to the Furture'

I wasn't into Michael Jackson 

I wish I had tried harder at school

I wish I had been less obnoxious at school

I hate washing up cutlery

I cannot stand men in cuban heels

I can't stand football

I have a hairy belly button ( I take care of it) 

I sometimes don't shave for more than two months

I think about food vs getting fat way more than I should

I like Millionaire Matchmaker 

Spice Girls will always be my jam 

I say things like 'be my jam'

Post show blues...

So you audition. Sometimes a lot, sometimes not. You go to class, workshops, you have head shots done. They don't look like you, you have more done, you cry at the price. You get a friend to do them and pray that there is just one in there that your agent likes, you pray that there is one in there that you like. You go to your day job, you leave and go to rehearsals for that play you said you'd do for free and then you rush from there to a night shoot of a short film that your mates, neighbours, dog sitters boyfriend, wrote. You spend five hours on a night shoot, outside, in the middle of winter. You take a pic for intsa and hash tag it #livingthedream or #dreamsdocometrue and you secretly want to cry because your so hungry and all they have on set are biscuits. You really don't want biscuits because you have been eating clean and you are now wise enough to know if you have one biscuit you will have ten. You finally get in, after a long night bus journey home and you get three hours sleep in before you have your day job again. Short shift today. Afterwards you head to that cute little coffee shop to go and write. You have five hours. You sit for three trying to think where to start, you decide to make a list of all the things you need to do. Pay for class, chose head shot, buy shower gel, tax return... Oh shit... Find all your old receipts. You get a call, private number... you pray it's your agent, but pretend that you so don't think it's your agent. You answer easy breezy... Its your agent. 'Yes' you think. 'maybe it's an audition.
And it is. And with a lovely warm sense of purpose and joy you put down phone and await the e mail with the details.

It's a play. Sort of, a musical. You read the part and you love it. You actually feel you can do this. You understand the part. You love how it reads. It feels natural and it makes you smile. Sometimes you just get those auditions that just feel right. Your not sure why, but it feels like it makes sense. Some you get and they are so far out of reach of what you think you can do with the character or they don't click with you and you feel you may have to blag the audition. But when that  one comes in that just feels good, you feel fooking great. 

You go in. You may have had an espresso because you fell asleep on the tube on the way. You may go into the audition a little off kilter. Perhaps a bit more unsteady, than you may have been without said espresso. You read, you faff, you plough on, you leave. And suddenly, that audition you thought you could smash, the one you thought you could be just right for, you may have effed it up. You call your agent, you explain. You loose sleep because, despite it only being a three night run, something, deep inside your gut, tells you this is going to be a good project. And secretly (because its way cooler to pretend you don't) you want it. You want the job, your mad you might not get the job and you resign yourself to a moment (and only a moment) of self pity. 

The phone rings. Its private number. You pick up knowing it's going to be PPI calling about that insurance fraud payment that you never took out because you have never had a loan and you... 

'You got the job' Errrrrm... what? 'You got the job' And your belly actually flips because your gut, your heart, tells you, this is going to be an awesome thing to be apart of. 

Day one of rehearsals comes after your thirtieth birthday celebrations and life feels freaking awesome. You rehearse, you chat, you bond, you banter and you make friends with people you think you could be friends with for life. You drink, you bond, you laugh, you try to dance to the choreography, you can't, you tear up and you rehearse and learn lines and drink and bond some more. You watch in ore at the talent your working with, you don't feel threatened because you admire everyone's ability to bring it all together and perform an assemble piece so strong you might not get over the fact that its over. 

And then... suddenly... it's over. You do the three nights, that went so very quickly you try to recount exactly how they are over already, and you sit on a bus the day after the last show and you cry. Your not sure exactly why, but you sob. Like you have just been dumped by the boy in the year above who has a six pack and all the girls fancy. Like he's just taunted you and said he will go out with you and then laughed in your face and said it was a joke. You feel lost, alone and so gutted that its over that you wonder how on earth your going to get through the next week before you head to LA. 

Post show blues are not the one. And despite knowing that its a come down, you still want to eat nothing but ice cream and not wear anything but jogging bottoms. Even though you know it will pass, you still feel so gutted that it's over, you might hibernate for weeks on end. Acting lark is funny. You wait for a long time, for jobs, it seems. You make sacrifices and work hard so you can feel a pay off down the line. Then, sometimes, when you're least expecting, you end up in something so special that it gets you excited about acting again and you know is meant to be a part of your journey, that you can't help but eat cake, shed tears and already look forward to getting to do the show again... and you remember exactly why you chose to this acting lark in the first place...