post show blues

Post show blues...

So you audition. Sometimes a lot, sometimes not. You go to class, workshops, you have head shots done. They don't look like you, you have more done, you cry at the price. You get a friend to do them and pray that there is just one in there that your agent likes, you pray that there is one in there that you like. You go to your day job, you leave and go to rehearsals for that play you said you'd do for free and then you rush from there to a night shoot of a short film that your mates, neighbours, dog sitters boyfriend, wrote. You spend five hours on a night shoot, outside, in the middle of winter. You take a pic for intsa and hash tag it #livingthedream or #dreamsdocometrue and you secretly want to cry because your so hungry and all they have on set are biscuits. You really don't want biscuits because you have been eating clean and you are now wise enough to know if you have one biscuit you will have ten. You finally get in, after a long night bus journey home and you get three hours sleep in before you have your day job again. Short shift today. Afterwards you head to that cute little coffee shop to go and write. You have five hours. You sit for three trying to think where to start, you decide to make a list of all the things you need to do. Pay for class, chose head shot, buy shower gel, tax return... Oh shit... Find all your old receipts. You get a call, private number... you pray it's your agent, but pretend that you so don't think it's your agent. You answer easy breezy... Its your agent. 'Yes' you think. 'maybe it's an audition.
And it is. And with a lovely warm sense of purpose and joy you put down phone and await the e mail with the details.

It's a play. Sort of, a musical. You read the part and you love it. You actually feel you can do this. You understand the part. You love how it reads. It feels natural and it makes you smile. Sometimes you just get those auditions that just feel right. Your not sure why, but it feels like it makes sense. Some you get and they are so far out of reach of what you think you can do with the character or they don't click with you and you feel you may have to blag the audition. But when that  one comes in that just feels good, you feel fooking great. 

You go in. You may have had an espresso because you fell asleep on the tube on the way. You may go into the audition a little off kilter. Perhaps a bit more unsteady, than you may have been without said espresso. You read, you faff, you plough on, you leave. And suddenly, that audition you thought you could smash, the one you thought you could be just right for, you may have effed it up. You call your agent, you explain. You loose sleep because, despite it only being a three night run, something, deep inside your gut, tells you this is going to be a good project. And secretly (because its way cooler to pretend you don't) you want it. You want the job, your mad you might not get the job and you resign yourself to a moment (and only a moment) of self pity. 

The phone rings. Its private number. You pick up knowing it's going to be PPI calling about that insurance fraud payment that you never took out because you have never had a loan and you... 

'You got the job' Errrrrm... what? 'You got the job' And your belly actually flips because your gut, your heart, tells you, this is going to be an awesome thing to be apart of. 

Day one of rehearsals comes after your thirtieth birthday celebrations and life feels freaking awesome. You rehearse, you chat, you bond, you banter and you make friends with people you think you could be friends with for life. You drink, you bond, you laugh, you try to dance to the choreography, you can't, you tear up and you rehearse and learn lines and drink and bond some more. You watch in ore at the talent your working with, you don't feel threatened because you admire everyone's ability to bring it all together and perform an assemble piece so strong you might not get over the fact that its over. 

And then... suddenly... it's over. You do the three nights, that went so very quickly you try to recount exactly how they are over already, and you sit on a bus the day after the last show and you cry. Your not sure exactly why, but you sob. Like you have just been dumped by the boy in the year above who has a six pack and all the girls fancy. Like he's just taunted you and said he will go out with you and then laughed in your face and said it was a joke. You feel lost, alone and so gutted that its over that you wonder how on earth your going to get through the next week before you head to LA. 

Post show blues are not the one. And despite knowing that its a come down, you still want to eat nothing but ice cream and not wear anything but jogging bottoms. Even though you know it will pass, you still feel so gutted that it's over, you might hibernate for weeks on end. Acting lark is funny. You wait for a long time, for jobs, it seems. You make sacrifices and work hard so you can feel a pay off down the line. Then, sometimes, when you're least expecting, you end up in something so special that it gets you excited about acting again and you know is meant to be a part of your journey, that you can't help but eat cake, shed tears and already look forward to getting to do the show again... and you remember exactly why you chose to this acting lark in the first place...