When we say, or act as if we are fearing weight gain, we are not actually fearing weight gain. We are fearing what we "think" weight gain means...
For years I thought it was. But actually I feared not being good enough/Cool enough... Weight gain to me was evidence I wasn't pretty or good or likeable enough to sit on the back seat of the school bus. And sitting on the back seat of the school bus meant you were worthy🙄
I no longer fear weight gain, but, I notice, other fears that sneak in that perpetuate that belief I'm not worthy enough to be friends with the kool kids. As if their approval of me make me better, whole, more fun.
Im 34 and I still fear not being allowed to sit on the back seat. Not out of choice. It's an old pattern buried deep. Its not really about the kool kids. Its about me. My worth. My value. I worry there's not a seat at the table for me. That I have no purpose in this space. That what I say is not helpful. These insecurities are not about the girl with mouse in her hair that wears lip gloss and crop tops not liking me. It's not about my instagram growth... It's not about the weight gain.
These are all disguises!
When we begin looking deeper into our thoughts, it's easy to want to run away. To turn from these fears. With fluffy, fancy, complicated shit. With diets, and fasting and shopping and moaning and comparing and bingeing and drinking and all that cover up malarkey.
So, to slow down the easy quick fixes. The things we keep using to run away, the book im reading talks about us having to get to know these thoughts instead. To turn to them not away from them.
She says to watch not only what makes us feel insecure, what triggers pain (& look for the disguises like fear of weight gain) but also watch what we reach for. What pleasure we seek & why.
Attatchment/detachment. It causes a lot of angst.
Its not dettachment as in "let it go"
Instead, its getting to know the pain cos when we do, we can stop running from it. (Running aka dieting/bingeing/comparing, obsessing etc)
When we get to know our mood swings. Our "why" we get sad or happy & look at the pain points we create ourselves "well if I don't lose weight then il be sad forever" We can begin to move on.
The goal is not to NOT have them. But realise we do, & see how they make us feel & Ask why.
Pema Chodron suggests, it's not about never feeling pain, but being curious about what causes it.
Be inquisitive about how we feel. Don't just accept that we fear weight gain (one example) or not being liked by the kool kids (another)
Don't just say "ah well" nor try & save ourselves from those insecurities with self love workshops or meditation.
This stuff wont save us/cure us. It helps us see🙌🏽
If we ask ourselves questions. Look into those feelings. Show up for ourselves & walk into the discomfort we can stop the endless running, or grasping & find compassion for ourselves & others instead.
In that space there is contentment. In compassion there is freedom.