"omg I feel so fat babe we can't have sex tonight"
or "fuck I feel so fat today I can't even look in the mirror"
Sometimes we don't even share it. We just sit there with this feeling that someone somewhere told us was "fat"
That someone somewhere was a liar.
Fat isn't a feeling🤔
"Yeh but you get what I mean" people say.
Yes. Of course I get it. As I sit here now on the train my brain (ego) is automatically saying "I feel fat, ugh I feel fat" Its a niggle. So slight that if I wasn't careful it would go undetected as just unease or disconcertment.
My true self however is going "fat is not a feeling. Fat is not a feeling"
Nor is it fat a negative... my true self KNOWS this like I know that babies smell amazing and nectarines taste like heaven and The Spice Girls are the best thing since sliced bread with marmalade on. I KNOW it, but why then are we left with the idea that we feel "fat" therefore feel shit?
I hate that the ego is so convincing.
I do feel heavier. My belly is sitting over my jeans a bit. I feel like I have food inside of me. These are facts.
But why is that feeling perceived by us as so bloody bad? Why is it a negative to feel full? To have food in us? To notice our stomaches slightly swell from the volume of food? Why does this cause something that we wouldn't describe as nice?
We have a thought about the physical aspect of this food inside us (which as weve established is a fact) I have esten, I am bloated. and that thought makes us feel a particular way. It does. We do feel something post food, post indulgence. But it is not "fat"
I sit here racking my brains for the thought I am really feeling. What am I really saying here.
I feel full? Ok well that's not negative. That's a good thing.
Would I feel this feeling if I ate the same amount but in pure vegetables all day? Oh god, is it guilt for eating a fucking onion bhaji?
It just took me 10 mins to actually write that. I keep thinking it must be something else. Cos I'm body positive. Or body neutral. Or body accepting... I dont feel guilt for food. Not for any food. I dont believe this one.
So I keep trying cos it doesnt resonate.
I feel heavy. Again. A bit like feeling full. WHY is that a bad thing? What is it about feeling heavy that is wrong?
My ego chimes in. Heavy people are not as pretty. Pretty people are elegant and heavy people are not. If you're heavy you dont do gymnastics or ballet or sing in a girl band and girls that do are attractive and graceful. If you are heavy you are not cool. If you are heavy you are not fancied. If you are heavy you are not liked if you are heavy you are not worthy.
and there it is... you have gone back to that 11 year old child who had been heavy and then had lost weight and was told "Oh gosh look at you, you are so pretty (now)"
I dont feel "fat" what I feel is that I failed, that I went backwards and dont live up to the petite ideals I believed in when I was a kid because that's what I was told. By my grandma, then by boys, then by magazines and then by instagram.
What I know now though that I didn't know aged 11. Is that thoughts are NOT facts!
And just because I have these thoughts, it doesn't make them real. And I do not have to believe them. I can in fact change these thoughts. And "choose" to believe them.
Bit deep for a bloated belly Dan? Bit extreme to think so intensely about a silly flippant thought?
Well those silly flippant thoughts have been niggling away at us for years. Reinforced by a society and an industry that wants to sell us "cures" for feeling fat. Wants to sell us Keto juice detox with sugar free cinnimon flavouring. And those reinforced belief systems seep into our heads, create our thoughts and make us feel things that are not conducive for a happy soul. Because happy content souls dont buy diet books or pills or magazines telling us about the 900calorie magic meal plan.
No-one is asking you to never have negative thoughts. About you or others. They come. The judgement does come. But it's whether we believe it or not. It's whether we attach to those thoughts or not. Cos when we do, we set ourselves up for living a pretty shite existence.
What if feeling heavy meant you felt strong. Powerful. Ready to take on the world?
What if feeling full meant you had a good day?
What if feeling the belly poke over your jeans meant you sat in the company of your mum whilst she had chemo eating snacks together cos she has to keep her weight up?
What if instead of feeling fat you felt comforted. Happy. Decent? Grown up? Well? Or just good old plain human?
You dont feel fat. You feel human.
You are not fat. You are human!