What lifestyle do you really want to Live?

When we decide we want to make changes, we often look to people with the results we want and then see what they are telling us to do, and then we try and do it. We don’t however often think whether we want to/can or even “have” to, do the things we set out to do.

An example for you is that five years ago, I wanted to be leaner than I was. I finally got my head into the head space and I began building habits. 

I began meal prepping. I began doing 3 x 30 mins cardio on the treadmill. I began doing hiit workouts that included burpees. I began training 6 days a week. I stopped eating butter on my jacket potato. I began saying no to free cookies. 

The problem with these habits were this. 

I don't want to be the person that turns away a free cookie. I don't. I don't care what that says about me. I want to always accept a free cookie (if its a cookie I like the look of) if its a raisin cookie, move on, keep it, but if its a white choc macadamia nut cookie, I don't wanna be the girl that turns it down. 

I also don't want to walk on a treadmill as a habit. Maybe sometimes I'll do some cardio. But I don't want to do that as a regular thing. I've got better things to do. I also don't want to do burpees. Never again. I do not like them. So why would I keep doing them in my workout. I also love butter on a jacket potato. I went for years without it cos I thought Id rather those fats go towards something else. But bollocks. The once in a blue moon I do have a jacket. You bet my life on it, I want bloody butter too. Another thing. I don't want to train 6 days a week. I've got other things I wanna achieve. TV shows I wanna watch, books I wanna read, people I wanna  see. 

But more than anything... I do not want to meal prep. 

I do not want to spend 3 hrs of my Sunday meal prepping meals that by the time it gets to Wednesday I wanna vom at the sight of a sweaty tupperware. I also don't want to clean stacks of dutty tupperware and more than that, I don't want to search high and low for the lids, never to find them ever again. 

My point. Don't waste "your" time building habits that you do not want to build. IF they are not even that conducive to "your" goals.

Of course. There are compromises you may make when you want to reach goals. As long as that compromise is not your health, you have choices in which ones you wanna make (and don't)

 There will be things that you may not wanna do but you might have to. And yes, you decide how much you want it... 

Ie fat loss. To lose fat you have to be in a deficit. No two ways about it. But the thing is. How you create the deficit is a choice you can make.

Disclaimer: You do not HAVE to lose weight. Build muscle. "do fitness" You have a choice. You can decide to be happy NOT doing any of those things. But you have to consciously make that decision that you will accept where you are now. If you don't want to be, then make the changes and figure out which ones you "can" make. Do NOT chose to live the same lifestyle you live, expecting things to change, but then keep reiterating how unhappy you are. That is soul destroying for you.

If you WANT to make changes and you learn how to that “suits” your lifestyle and these changes can make you feel good, then do it. But do not hate every second of it. If you do, you maybe need to change your perception on the things you are doing. Find the positives in them. There is always a lesson there somewhere. (wanky wellness 101: Grattitude and lesson learning)

I only ever want to share with you a more "healthy" less obsessive, more "well" way of getting the lifestyle you want, perhaps with a bi-product of a body you are comfy in. (that body you are comfy in does not need to look a particular way fyi) even if we are brain washed into thinking that.

Sacrifices do get made along the way for things you really want. But again, I can't say this enough.

Don't sacrifice your health and happiness to get them. 

There are also things that will be very dependent on where you are at in your journey. Right now...

Your wants can change. It's totally OK for your wants to move around in your priority list. 

Below, click on the link to get curious about…

Tips to feel comfy in your skin on holiday!


*Trust that one week of high calories is not going to reverse a shit ton of hard work.

1) The hard work you have done is not all about the lbs you've lost. So if you do gain fat... you've still spent time building muscle/habits/routine that will be there for you when you're back.

2) Most lbs you gain on hols will be water/bloat. It takes an extra 3500 cals added onto your total maintenance cals to gain 1lb of actual fat. That's an extra 500 cals a day. (Its possible to do that if you walk less & eat more on hols) but it's rectifiable. See below

*If tracking (and if not, the science still applies) look at your progress over the course of one month. Not a week. If you have 2 weeks at maintenance 1 week in a deficit and 1 week in a surplus. That month will level out to maintenance. So chill.

Side note: that doesn't mean starve in the lead up to a holiday.

My month looked like this

I maintain on 2200 cals.

Week 1: 2200

Week 2: 2000

Week 3: 2600

Week 4: 1800

Average: 2150 cals over the month

*Once the science of it all sinks in and you realise 1 or even 2 weeks out of your life isn't gonna make or break your journey. Look at the routine that you "can" Keep in

Side note: Keep them cos they make you feel good. Don't keep them just to control your energy balance/body etc…

1) Don't set your alarm if you literally need the rest. But I try and set my alarm for 7hrs post the time I sleep so if I go to bed at 4am I will set my alarm for 11 so I still get sleep but I don't miss the whole day.

2) Keep walking in because you want to view the city or you wanna get some podcast listening in or you want the fresh air and some alone time. If walking is your ideal of Hell on holiday then cool. Just find acceptance for the fact that you are burning less energy. Don’t feel guilty for that. That choice is not about being good or bad.

3) drink water. I mean. It's a given. But it keeps you awake, energised, hydrated (which helps with your mood and general well being.

*Keep listening to your body. Eat when you are hungry. Stop when you are full. Take stock of where you are and how you actually feel in your skin.

And try to remember, feeling full is NOT "feeling fat" Fat isnt a feeling.

*Remind yourself of your home. The house you live in. The walls the rooms the things in the rooms.

These things don't make your home a home. The same way your abs (or lack of) doesn't make your body "home" or not. Home is a feeling. It's nostalgia, it's care, nurture, it's a safe place.

I find that being away out of routine can sometimes bring on the feeling of homesickness and discomfort. But just doing that good ol faithful "focus on what your grateful for" shit. You can remind yourself of what you DO have.

And nurture it.

Nurture what you have. Take care of your body.

Whether it be by

Daily affirmations

Eating till fullness and not beyond

Eating when hungry and not starving

Remember.Treating yourself well is not always about 1g protein per body weight and 30g fibre everyday.

It's not about only drinking water and not having some cocktails.

It's about your thoughts about the above whether you stick to “your" routine or not.

Who you are without tupperware or 30g overnight oats is still valid and worthy AF.

And just so you're aware. You're worthy and valid and enough, even when you don't stick to any of the rules you set in place before your hols or the ones you may follow after your hols.

Feeling at home in your skin at home and away is about self acceptance for the choices you make.

You can build a home with stones and hay. If You dont respect it and treat it with kindness its never gonna feel like home.

Even if you don't clean that hut of yours for just one week, its cool. Habitually. You will clean it when you are back. You dont denounce your home a home judt because you didn’t take care of it for one week.

Basically it's a long winded way of saying... It's all about what you think about your body that counts. And so much less to do with what it looks like.

It can feel like home even when it's messy. Life gets messy. Routines get messy. Your choices get messy.

This holiday my energy balance balanced over the course of one month. I didn't eat enough protein or fibre. I walked my normal 10k step average. I slept a decent amount. I drank more calories in booze than I ate in food (yes I know. So very #fitspo) but ya know what.

I felt the most comfy I've ever felt in my skin. No stressing. No over doing it. No over indulging or over planning. I ate when hungry. I stopped when full. I drank cocktails and not just gin and I came back weighing the same. Feeling albeit tired and a bit rough. But nothing that a ton of water and a lifting session couldn't fix.

Balacne is so so hard to find and nail. I'm not saying it's piss easy. I'm just saying. It's not as complicated as we make it.

Let go of the idea of what you "should" do and just be ok with what you actually do. Cos it's only your perception that has power over you.

Not the food, not the exercise and not your body at all.

I don't look like a go to the gym...

A client said to me today... "I don't look like I go to the gym"
I asked her to define what that meant.
"Abs, lean muscle, ya know..." Oh yeh I totally do know.
I look roughly the same as when I first started training. Albeit slight changes that I'm proud I worked for. But I don't have abs, I'm not under 20% BF, I dont necessarily look like I lift heavy and at the moment, I can't. (in context to what?) Magazines? Instagram feed?
(Please note before I go further I am not saying I am not lean or (conventionally not "in shape") but I don't look like a #fitspo with a 6 pack. I don't look how I assumed I should look for a) working in fitness b) having a fitness insta c) training consistently for 4 to 5 yrs.
Am I doing it wrong? Am I training my clients all wrong? Are you training wrong? Should you be doing 10000 burpees or more cardio or higher reps or power lifting or keto or...
You are not doing anything wrong. The system is fucked. The feed is full of out of context #gymnasiumdolphin ambassadors who quite frankly, arent living a lifestyle you are living.
When I did look like a #fitspo... I wasn't drinking. I was training 6 to 7 days a week. I was doing a shit ton of cardio. I wasn't eating out much. I was eating protein mousse for dessert. I was training 2 times a day sometimes 3. I was drinking 4lts of water. Meal prepping. Eating packs of prawns for snacks. Carrying tuna around with me. God forbid I evem sat in a pub once and mixed #bcaas with my soda water. (No bcaas are not helpful, you live & learn)
This is not the lifestyle I waned to live all the time. The way I look now is a reflection of the lifestyle I want to live.
The reality is this. The lifestyle you want to live may not look on your body, how you want it to look.
I know. The devil's work. 🤷🏽‍♀️
But what if the lifestyle you want to live makes you feel amazing.
Most clients come to me fearing food. Wanting balance. Craving dessert. Guilty for days that consist of French fries. Not knowing how to lift or use training to feel better/stronger. They are often doing classes galore & burning themselves out or doing nothing at all & feeling sluggish.

Most clients dont need much tweaking in tjere lifestyle to make it better. It's usually simple things. But usually those things don't feel good enough.  

I see no progress? But you've trained consistently for a year compared to giving up every 8 weeks? 

But I don't have abs? But your legs have gained so much definition and shape. 

But I don't have a butt that looks like Sommer Ray? But you don't eat take away every day anymore and wake up feeling better 8 times out of 10 than the 0 times you used to?  

You dont look like you train? Yes. Yes you do. You're form is insanely great, you live better, stand better, hold yourself better. You fuel yourself and you have the energy to come in 2 to 3 times a week. You're trousers fit your more comfortably and you can kick arse on the leg press. You do look and seem like you train. Just what you think that looks like is different to the reality.  

A lot of the girls that look like they train (not all) but a lot. Live out of tuppawares, fear esting out, don't drink, do this fitspo life for a living, are 22, don't work full time, fear dessert, restrict binge, are cutting constantly, are not always telling the truth about what they do or eat or how much they think about training or nutrition.  

Of you want this to be your life. Your priority. Your soul goal. Go for it. It's yours for the taking. But if you want a bit of it all. A life, a few drinks, some sleep, some rest days, some burgers... then you may not have some and or some 13% BF.  

But you might have a perky butt and a BF% that keeps your menstrual cycle ticking. Now that's a fair compramise no?  

You look like you have a balanced life. Own it. Appreciate it. And just keep at it. You don't need to look like anything in particular to justify those choices.  

You look beautiful cos you are.  

Fat is NOT a feeling!

"omg I feel so fat babe we can't have sex tonight"
or "fuck I feel so fat today I can't even look in the mirror"
Sometimes we don't even share it. We just sit there with this feeling that someone somewhere told us was "fat" 

That someone somewhere was a liar. 

Fat isn't a feeling🤔

"Yeh but you get what I mean" people say.
Yes. Of course I get it. As I sit here now on the train my brain (ego) is automatically saying "I feel fat, ugh I feel fat" Its a niggle. So slight that if I wasn't careful it would go undetected as just unease or disconcertment. 

My true self however is going "fat is not a feeling. Fat is not a feeling" Ahhh true self. So wise. 

The ego is so convincing though.

I do feel heavier. My belly is sitting over my jeans a bit. I feel like I have food inside of me. These are facts. 
But why is that feeling perceived by us as so bloody bad? Why is it a negative to feel full? To have food in us? To notice our stomaches slightly swell from the volume of food? Why does this cause something that we wouldn't describe as nice? 

We have a thought about the physical aspect of this food inside us (which as weve established is a fact) I have esten, I am bloated. and that thought makes us feel a particular way. It does. We do feel something post food, post indulgence. But it is not "fat"  

I sit here racking my brains for the thought I am really feeling. What am I really saying here.  

I feel full? Ok well that's not negative. That's a good thing.  

Would I feel this feeling if I ate the same amount but in pure vegetables all day? Oh god, is it guilt for eating a fucking onion bhaji?  

It just took me 10 mins to actually write that. I keep thinking it must be something else. Cos I'm body positive. Or body neutral. Or body accepting... I dont feel guilt for food. Not for any food. I dont believe this one. 

So I keep trying cos it doesnt resonate.  

I feel heavy. Again. A bit like feeling full. WHY is that a bad thing? What is it about feeling heavy that is wrong?  

My ego chimes in. Heavy people are not as pretty. Pretty people are elegant and heavy people are not. If you're heavy you dont do gymnastics or ballet or sing in a girl band and girls that do are attractive and graceful. If you are heavy you are not cool. If you are heavy you are not fancied. If you are heavy you are not liked if you are heavy you are not worthy.  

and there it is... you have gone back to that 11 year old child who had been heavy and then had lost weight and was told "Oh gosh look at you, you are so pretty (now)" 

I dont feel "fat" what I feel is that I failed, that I went backwards and dont live up to the petite ideals I believed in when I was a kid because that's what I was told. By my grandma, then by boys, then by magazines and then by instagram.  

What I know now though that I didn't know aged 11. Is that thoughts are NOT facts!  

And just because I have these thoughts, it doesn't make them real. And I do not have to believe them. I can in fact change these thoughts. And "choose" to believe them. 

Bit deep for a bloated belly Dan? Bit extreme to think so intensely about a silly flippant thought?  

Well those silly flippant thoughts have been niggling away at us for years. Reinforced by a society and an industry that wants to sell us "cures" for feeling fat. Wants to sell us Keto juice detox with sugar free cinnimon flavouring. And those reinforced belief systems seep into our heads, create our thoughts and make us feel things that are not conducive for a happy soul. Because happy content souls dont buy diet books or pills or magazines telling us about the 900calorie magic meal plan.  

No-one is asking you to never have negative thoughts. About you or others. They come. The judgement does come. But it's whether we believe it or not. It's whether we attach to those thoughts or not. Cos when we do, we set ourselves up for living a pretty shite existence.  

What if feeling heavy meant you felt strong. Powerful. Ready to take on the world?

What if feeling full meant you had a good day?

What if feeling the belly poke over your jeans meant you sat in the company of your mum whilst she had chemo eating snacks together cos she has to keep her weight up? 

What if instead of feeling fat you felt comforted. Happy. Decent? Grown up? Well? Or just good old plain human? 

You dont feel fat. You feel human. 

You are not fat. You are human!  


IG: freefanni 


Fearing weight gain?


When we say, or act as if we are fearing weight gain, we are not actually fearing weight gain. We are fearing what we "think" weight gain means...

For years I thought it was. But actually I feared not being good enough/Cool enough... Weight gain to me was evidence I wasn't pretty or good or likeable enough to sit on the back seat of the school bus. And sitting on the back seat of the school bus meant you were worthy🙄

insta continued...

I no longer fear weight gain, but, I notice, other fears that sneak in that perpetuate that belief I'm not worthy enough to be friends with the kool kids. As if their approval of me make me better, whole, more fun. 

Im 34 and I still fear not being allowed to sit on the back seat. Not out of choice. It's an old pattern buried deep. Its not really about the kool kids. Its about me. My worth. My value. I worry there's not a seat at the table for me. That I have no purpose in this space. That what I say is not helpful. These insecurities are not about the girl with mouse in her hair that wears lip gloss and crop tops not liking me. It's not about my instagram growth... It's not about the weight gain. 

These are all disguises!

When we begin looking deeper into our thoughts, it's easy to want to run away. To turn from these fears. With fluffy, fancy, complicated shit. With diets, and fasting and shopping and moaning and comparing and bingeing and drinking and all that cover up malarkey. 

So, to slow down the easy quick fixes. The things we keep using to run away, the book im reading talks about us having to get to know these thoughts instead. To turn to them not away from them.

She says to watch not only what makes us feel insecure, what triggers pain (& look for the disguises like fear of weight gain) but also watch what we reach for. What pleasure we seek & why.

Attatchment/detachment. It causes a lot of angst.
Its not dettachment as in "let it go"
Instead, its getting to know the pain cos when we do, we can stop running from it. (Running aka dieting/bingeing/comparing, obsessing etc)

When we get to know our mood swings. Our "why" we get sad or happy & look at the pain points we create ourselves "well if I don't lose weight then il be sad forever" We can begin to move on.

The goal is not to NOT have them. But realise we do, & see how they make us feel & Ask why.

Pema Chodron suggests, it's not about never feeling pain, but being curious about what causes it.

Be inquisitive about how we feel. Don't just accept that we fear weight gain (one example) or not being liked by the kool kids (another)

Don't just say "ah well" nor try & save ourselves from those insecurities with self love workshops or meditation.
This stuff wont save us/cure us. It helps us see🙌🏽

If we ask ourselves questions. Look into those feelings. Show up for ourselves & walk into the discomfort we can stop the endless running, or grasping & find compassion for ourselves & others instead. 

In that space there is contentment. In compassion there is freedom. 


Complimentary 4 Week Program: Full Body

Please note that I am not a health practitioner. I am a Level 3 PT.  




The Kim Kardashian lollipop

But this is (I know im sure youve seen lots of these but we need to see as much resistence as possible) a message to say FUXK YOU & your hunger supressent chemical shit stick. Eff you & shove it up your AR...


When I was 14, I would have been so happy to read that this existed. Id of searched high & low trying to get it. I mean, at 14, I was wishing I could only eat 1 apple a day (if only I was disciplined enough) & wow. If a lolly, an actually tasty lolly had been around, id have bought one for every day if I could. Cos I was adament, my body wasnt good, beautiful, acceptable, lovable, fashionable, skinny- enough.

I really did, without a doubt, believe that I was worth so little that I should starve myself if I could OR alternatively, beat myself up if I couldnt be.

But imagine. Imagine if Bliss mag had advertised these with some random model sayin she got skinny cos of this lillipop. Me and a couple mill people reading that mag would so be all over it...

Imagine if 20 years later someone (not a model) but someone with more influence (100mil plus influencence)  advertised such a product. Imagine what that could do? It took me nearly 20 years to get over the pain of hating my body. I make daily f*cking moves to help me, to help others, to not feel like that. To take a step forward. And then the industry (the suppossed "health/fitness" industry, "oks" this bullshit & we take 10 steps back. We are in a bubble. I follow u & u me cos we love wellness, we are all trying to be on the #lovemybodynomatterwhat train, drinking champers together & eating REAL SUGARY lollipops. We might not be affected other than being outraged.

 Contined on from insta..

But theres girls out there that are saving their pocket money to buy these jus so they can not feel hungry.

If I could tell me 14 year old self that hunger was a good thing. It was a sign to eat. A sign that the body needed energy and nourishment and love.

To be able to explain to my 14 year old self that there is a difference between emotional hunger and actual hunger and that if she could start to be happy in her skin, she wouldnt feel the need to eat 10 cookies and maybe just have 2 (ok 3) but that even if I did want and eat 20 cookies, that I was never ever ever deserving of anything less than a good meal. I deserved more than a lollipop that takes that natural signal to help me survive. To look after our gorgeous amazing beautiful body...

You deserve to eat. To be happy. To not feel the need to buy into such crazy atrocious messages.

When we think the cabbage soup diet is behind us, or that people are starting to realise, food is not (nor our bodies) the enemy, someone comes and trys to imply otherwise.

Fuxk. That. Shit.

You are allowed to lose weight, grow a butt, tone up... whatever u wanna do. But you are allowed to not do that too. You are allowed to love your body just as it is,if it gets leaner, if it gains weight, if you get some more dimples, or you dont. You are allowed to accept it, eat for it and nurture it like it were the most important thing on the earth. Because it is.

Your body does things far beyond comprehension. It keeps you alive. It keeps me alive. And to use something that is essentially threatening its survival, is disrespectful to you, me and to all the work its done for us so far.

So to keep this as short and sweet as I possibly can.

Never ever believe that you need to supress your hunger. Never ever believe that you are nothing short of amazing! Always!

Lots of love


A letter from my body:

I am sorry that I was not lean enough for you. Im sorry that you didnt like me for all those years. I tried my best, i did what i was out here to do. Keep you alive. And although there were many times you wished I hadnt because I didnt supply you with legs like Kate moss, I kept you alive anyways because you are amazing and deserve to know that. I prayed one day you would see me in the mirror and be kind. I prayed one day you would feel full and nourished. I prayed that one day you would feel hunger and eat to fill you up and not blame me afterwards. I prayed you would stop feeling guilty for the fact you didnt look like others and that one day you would stop comparing me to them. Because I was and still am, doing the best I can and I will always, always try to, even when you push me away. I will try even harder. So that lolly you might think will help you love me, and that waist trainer you think might help you love me, and that tea... I will keep going for you, until you push me too far. Some peoples bodies do give up. Some do say they cant do it anymore. And I dont want that to happen.

But I promise, if you start to love me, when you do, I will be there for you then too.

Until then. I hope you can start caring for me, the way I do for you. Step by step. One Ice cream and green smoothie at a time. Cos believe it or not. I like both. In moderation. Too much spirilina really doesnt agree with me 🤓

Yours sincerely

Your one and only body.


Sugar on toast: Will it make you fat?



I'll start my post how I will start most of my fitness post from now on... 

Is it the worst thing in the world if you gain some fat? Because the thing is you won't "be" fat. You may "have" some fat. And if you "gain" some fat, you can "lose" some fat and that right there is the magic. Nothing. Nothing is permanent. By telling yourself you "are" fat or will "be" fat, has you making a decision right then and there that this IS your story.  

It is not. your story is anything you want it to be. Being fat is by the way, an ok story. If you decide you do not want to change. But if you do, that's ok Too, but I suggest starting with what you say and how you say it. I "have" fat right now. I "am" a worthy, beautiful human either way. I will lose the fat if and when I please... 

Ok we got that clear? goodo. 

So sugar on toast. Will you gain fat if you eat it everyday for breakfast? And if you haven't had sugar on toast before, well aren't you missing a treat and all I can say is I am jealous. Because that 1st time you try it, it is like no other. You can't recreate that rush of pure taste bud explosion of sweetness on hot doughy bread with melted butter *wipes dribble from mouth. 

Ok so sidenote: I am not advocating that sugar on toast is a good nutritious breakfast to have every morning. Nor do I want you to become accustomed to such living. As I said, its never as amazing the 2nd 3rd 4th time... although, well, it comes very close. But that euphoria should be kept at bay. Bot because it is BAD. No food is BAD. But because some things should be kept special, for special occasions. Remember the 1st time you wore your fav dress? But then the 14th day in a row, well, meh, the dress just looks like any ol dress. The joy had worn off? Yup. Life. But you wanna keep the special feelings special. So I hereby say, don't have sugar on toast everyday. 


If You did, would it make you gain fat? If you substituted it for peanut butter on toast or maple syrup and nut butter on toast, and you had that everyday instead, would that be better? would it mean you would gain less fat or none at all? Should you avoid toast? People tell you toast is not a good breakfast when you are healthy, unless you put avocado on it. Right?  

I have so many clients asking me if certain foods will make them gain more fat.

Is sugar addictive? Are carbs gonna make you bloated? Should you cut out carbs to lose fat?  

No. No. No to all of the above.  

Firstly. Sugar isn't addictive... see this article here.  

Secondly, carbs may make you feel a bit full because carbs hold more water and weigh more in volume. If and only IF you have an intolerance to gluten say, will you experience bloating. Like real bloating. Not just a little food baby cos you ate, but painful, 8 months pregnant bloating.  

Thirdly, you can lose fat consuming carbs 100% I've done it myself. And in my life I will never, ever give up carbs again. Over my bread body.  

Avo on toast, even peanut butter on toast, is more nutritious. Which means it is more filling. Avocado on toast is not offered as a healthy alternative to (let's say sugar) because it's less calories. On the contrary, its more, but because there are far more nutrients in avo on toast and it will be more satiating and better for you. Sugar has no useful micro nutrient in its most processed form (ie white bleached sugar)

But will that make me gain fat then? Guys...  the secret is this. All food,any food, can make you gain fat... if you eat above your maintenance cals! But as I said in my previous post, that you can find here... it is harder to go over your maintenance cals if you mainly eat veggies and grains and whole, non processed foods. Eat food that fills you up, that gives you nutrients, satisfies you, doesn't give you a taste for more and more sweet things. And you're good to go. 

But essentially. Sugar on toast will not make you gain fat if you have it and stay within your maintenance or deficit cals.  

Sugar is not the devil. Bread is also not Jack the Ripper and gaining fat, is not the worst thing that could ever happento you. 


so if the take home you get from this is...  

Eat yo veggies and protein. 

Have some soul food sometimes.  

Trust that certain foods will not make you gain fat specifically.  

Gaining fat is ok.  

Then my work here is done. 

Happy Friday loves. 


An alternative to sugar on toast with far more nutritious things... featuring @freesoulsistas protein which you can purchase here, using my discount code FFFsistas. 

Can you lose weight without dieting?



Can I lose weight if I'm not in a deficit of calories?

Can I eat more and lose weight?

Why do we all wanna lose this weight so much anyways? (I guess that's a whole other blog post) but for now, let's discuss the confusion. 

Oh whyyyyy is it all so bloody confusing? 

So, of course, with like many things health/fitness/mindset, there is a lot of grey area, lots of things taken out of context and lots of shite flying around the internet. Which makes what shouldn't be, but is, ultimately a minefield for brain farts and confusion.

Before we go any further, I want to make a point... the only way to lose weight/fat, is to be in a calorie deficit. To eat less than we are burning. Without a doubt.

But I said I was eating the same calories if not more than before and I lost weight?

Well here's they grey area that isn't grey, but the industry has made it this way!!!

Technically... I "thought" I Was eating more or what I thought was maintence cals was in fact still deficit calories. As I said, esentially, to lose weight, we must be taking in less energy than we are burning.

So, did I diet? 

I guess we start with the question. What do you define as a diet? This will determine very quickly the answer to this.

If you define a diet as this restrictive, boring, one dimensional meal plan that doesn't allow for chocolate, dinners out or a glass of red wine. If you believe diets to be all about the numbers and tracking the last gram of fat consumed down to a tee, if you see it as a temporary way of eating that you will quit as soon as you hit a "goal weight" Or a way of eating that leaves you hungry, restricted and grumpy on low energy and wishing we could just eat one more pea at least... then nope... I 100% did not diet.  

Ok, so I didn't diet, but I was In a calorie Deficit? I must have been to have dropped weight (fat) but I had actually, intensionally, begun trying to eat more, and in fact was even tracking to see that I was consuming more than I had previously been doing so. 

so whats the catch

As you continue on I need you to know this is not where I tell you going #plantbased is a "diet" btw or a way of eating to lose weight. This is not that!

You can very easily gain fat when you have a #vegan diet. So this is not an ad to tell you being vegan is going to help you with your fat loss struggles. Dont prescrive to a way of eating that does not suit your lifestyle, ethics, values, habits, just because you think you will "lose weight" 

In October I went plant based for ethical and environmental reasons. It was not to do with my health, or weight. Yes I had come off of the back of a tour around the US and Oz and I was a bit "fooded" out. I was looking forward to home cooked meals and bowls of veg that I had been lacking whilst touring, but the decision to change the way I ate completely, came after a conversation with the B'iancè about our food choices and what we wanted to do to help the environment etc... (in no way are we doing ALL we Can, but it's a start)  

I know that with a few popular fitness pros going vegan, it looks like it is this magic pill to losing fat *Please please please know that it isn't a magic pill. Please know that there isn't one. Please also know that if you're not up for educating yourself on diet/nutrition, choosing a plant based lifestyle may not be optimal for health. It takes a lot of research, time, effort, and I still don't know all there is to know and struggle to have my nutrition as perfect for my health as it can be since eating this way. So please. Do not decide that eating plant based is a sure fire way to eat more and lose fat. Being vegan is not the causation of my weight loss. It is just a correlation. Ie I have not lost weight because I am eating only plants, I have lost weight because of what other things come into play when I eat plants (the coincidences if you like) 

Ie) a calorie Deficit happens more easily, one because you have cut out food groups like dairy and meat. But also because of some things I'll go into detail on, below.

Again, this is NOT a sales pitch on becoming vegan. BUT it has proved to me the magic of eating whole foods prodomenatnly in my diet.  

Do I still eat processed food? Yes. Do I still eat ice cream (dairy free) Hell yeh. But eating 80 to 90% of my diet from whole foods has been a part of the reason I have become slightly leaner the last few months. 


But please do not confuse this with thinking that clean whole foods equals (get lean) You can and will gain weight because of one thing only. Eating more than you burn. A surplus of calories will cause weight gain (food intake in relation to what you are burning/doing) So believe it or not you can gain weight on veggies alone. (It's just a lot harder)


The thing is, eating whole foods the majority of the time means a few things.  

*Being fuller for longer because grains and complex carbs fill you up, take longer to digest and generally make you feel more satisfied. 

*Veggies are high in volume and low in calories, meaning the space it fills in your gut is a lot, for the little calories that come from them. See below 1000 cals in junk and 1000 cals in veg. You will be physically fuller by eating mainly veg.  

*If eating lean meats and fish for protein, this is satiating. Leaving you feeling fuller and satisfied for longer.  

*When tracking what you are eating it is very easy to "track" wrong. If using macros on the back of processed food or fast food places, you can't garuntee how much food you are really getting as not the one same person packages that food. You could buy a cookie and it says that the 380g cookie is (this much calories and macros) And you could weigh that cookie and in fact it is 430g cookie. Meaning there is more calories than you thought. Plus a lot of guesses get made by yourself when tracking and it's easy to be unable to find particular products and guess at what they are if they are ready made pre packaged items. With veg and grains etc all the whole foods, what you get, weigh and track will be far more specific meaning the margin for error is far smaller. 

*Snacking has become less. (I am not saying snacking is BAD or will make you gain weight) as I said, a surplus of cals will do that. But if those snacks you eat take you over your maintenance calories then Yes, this could be detrimental to any weight loss progress if that is your goal. By naturally having less snacks since eating far more whole foods, this means I have naturally been having less calories than previously. The reason I have been having less snacks is for a few reasons. Mainly I have been focusing on listening to my body and eating when hungry far more so than when I'm emotional, bored or in the habit of. That's been a work in progress for a while, but it's a note worth taking. Listen to YOUR body. I got very hung up in this fitness journey, eating 6 small meals per day, mainly because I was anxious I would become hungry if I didn't do that. And, everyone bangs on about breakfast being the most important meal of your day... Turns out that eating 2 to 3 big meals per day actually keeps me full so much so that I don't find I am feeling peckish inbetween and on the go. And, I can have breakfast at 1pm if I want. Because I'm a grown up. Hurrah. I have discovered I am not hungry in the mornings which has also closed my eating time window. Instead of eating between 7am and 10pm I eat between 1pm and 10pm. Don't get me wrong. I eat ALL my micro and macro nutrients and focus on being full, but naturally I am giving myself less time to eat an excess of cals. (This is not a tip... again, please don't try and eat in a small time window or skip meals of this doesnt suit how you live or feel) This just turns out to be how I naturally like to eat most of the time and it plays part of my role perhaps in what people have been calling "progress" ie losing fat.

Which leads me back to... If I wasnt dieting, if I wasn't intentionally trying to drop fat, is this progress and was I on a diet? 

This is a fundamental in why I encourage my clients not to see how they eat as a diet but to change how they view food. Focus on eating for them, how they eat, what they like eating, being mindful, times they are hungry, enjoying food, the nutritious as well as the not. If we can focus on just simply eating, and listening, balance becomes far easier and weight gain less of an issue and weight loss may happen it may not, but essentially what makes a diet shite is that we think of it as shite, because we do it shitley since reading crap magazines and listening to crap info. 

We need to eat. We need to focus on our hunger cues. we need to get enough protein carbs and fats for essential health. We need to enjoy food. We need to not feel guilt when eating food. We need cake. We need greens. We need to stop caring about weight Or fat or our bodies in the way that causes us heart ache. We need to find happiness in our skin and come away from diet culture. Is being a coach or writing about this stuff or putting pics up of "fat loss" helping or hindering? I question it daily. But it hink the best thing we can do is talk, chat, ask questions, explain the grey areas and learn from each other. So... I hope this has helped. 

A round up.  

Did I diet to lose this 5 to 6kg? No. 

Was I in a deficit? Yes.  

Was I eating more than I had been previously when I had been cutting in the summer? (I went from 63 to 60kg purposefully cutting on what I thought was 1600 to 1700 calories when I wasnt eating 80/20 wholefoods/non nutritious and it was more a 65/35 split)

I then decided to maintain (whilst going plant based) and add in more food and upped my volume to match more cals) I have been eating what I track as 2000 cals. And have dropped another 2.5kg. So technically this was a deficit stil... but...

This is another factor.

Adding in some more volume of training (by either upping sets/reps by exercises per session or adding in another day of training) means I have upped my energy output. So where it seems I am eating 300 to 400 cals more, perhaps I am just burning more thus still having the same energy match?  

I think it's a mixture of both. As I said above, my food intake being more whole foods means Its harder to snack of junk, being vegan means I have less option to eat more processed foods on the go, all the veg fills me up, the complex carbs keep my digestion in check, I'm always getting my fibre which also helps, I am possibly not eating as much as I think I am and I am doing a teeny bit more in the gym. And whilst also all of these are pointers, it could also be the simple fact that 2000 cals for me is still a deficit. 

No magic has happened. I have not reversed dieted and lost weight eating more or the same as previously. It's finding that energy balance, eating foods that help you eat balanced and (this does not have to be plant based) just see this as a pointer as to why eating the majority of your foods as whole foods, helps. 

But please please know that ice cream, cake, pizza, chips, fries etc can all be fitted into your diet *way of eating and still allow you to make "progress" whatever that may be.  

If you have any questions please comment or slip into my DMs on Insta, or even e mail me and I will try and answer what I can. 

Sending you all the love and warm fuzzy stuff.  

Fanni x  


Step By Step...

On our fitness journey it's really easy to want to do all the work, as quickly as possible and get results, yesterday. But this behaviour encourages injuries, burn out, fatigue, frustration, obsession and more than likely we end up overwhelmed. Going from "never exercising and eating whatever we want", to eating loads of protein and ALL the greens, being in the gym 6 days a week, drinking a gallon of water and spending all our time on the loo peeing... it's tough.

Make it easier on yourself. 

Consistency is what will get you results! So before you start any journey ask yourself...

Is my WHY clear?

Am I willing to really put the effort in?

Am I willing to change?

Am I willing for this to take time?

Am I willing to be as consistent as I can be?

Have I been dieting, spinning my wheels before?

Am I currently eating too little?

Do I lack energy?

Do I lack general health? Colour in my skin, tiredness, feeling weak?

All these answers can help you determine what your next move is. Replenishment? Getting used to just eating well? Moving? Lifting? Focusing on habits not extremes?

Finding healthy habits is one of the best recommendations I could have ever had. Without habit, you end up relying solely on will power and motivation, and with all the will in the world, that shit is hard and does not last. There is no way motivation keeps me going to the gym or eating well, especially if you decide you want to maintain and balance. With all the" umph" in the world, eating whole foods and training consistently when I don't have a specific goal to keep me motivated, will not, i repeat, will NOT keep me doing it. My why is clear and yes, this helps. I want to FEEL good, I want to live a healthy life, I want my mindset in check, I want t o feel good in my clothes, but even those whys wain from time to time. The one thing that has kept me doing this for 4 years or so, is habit!

Get comfortable changing your eating patterns and making a healthy lifestyle a habit. If you eat whole food, fruit veg, good amount of protein, useful fats and carbs 80% of the time. You have stopped eating “trigger food.” You have stopped feeling guilty about “soul food” You have become active because it makes you feel fooking fantastic. Then awesome, you can focus on the specifics and build from there. But having got all of the above in check, and a base point of a lifestyle, you will have already have gotten results too. More often than not, a lifestyle change is far more beneficial than a 12 week transformation based on an end goal for a holiday in Ibiza. What you gonna do in Ibiza? What are you gonna do post Ibiza? 

A good way to help implement the above lifestyle changes is to break down your goals weekly. Don't focus on ALL the things in the first week.

So I will leave you with a look at what you could do to get the hang of the healthier lifestyle in the first month/two months and go from there...

Step By Step:

Week 1:

•Keep a food diary (on Myfitnesspal is a great tool to use) Eat how you normally eat and check your daily averages at the end of the week to see where you could improve. 

•Ie, less fats, more protein. Etc…

•Up your water intake

•Drink less booze

Week 2:

•This week don’t worry about trying to implement all recommended portions or lowering calories. Just focus on upping your protein and improving on your last week ie) Drink a bit less booze and try and aim for 2lts water per day.

Week 3:

•Get sleep. Make this a focus this week. If you get a good amount of sleep, try focusing on the quality. Don't scroll on your phone in bed, turn the lights down an hour before you need to sleep. These are things that will help with the quality of sleep. This helps with recovery from the gym.

Week 4:

  • Now try implementing portion sizes for your fats and carbs if you decide you want to track macros.

Week 5: 

  • Up your activity by walking more. Add in 3 x 20 minute steady walks or got from 6k steps on average per week to 8k, the week after try 10k on average. 

Week 6:

•Sit down and find alternatives to your cravings eg) craving pizza, type into Pinterest *healthy pizza choice examples. I found this extremely helpful at the beginning. OR, have the foods you are craving, and the next day, get back to you healthier eating. 

•Week 7:

•Look at what foods trigger you to associate those treats with thoughts related to our old lifestyle. Crisps on the way to work, ice cream at the cinema... these may be triggers to lead you to make unhealthier choices. Try changing your habitual snacks to other choices that either may fit into your macros better, encourage a more nutritional value or not trigger other eating behaviour.  

Eg)Butter to coconut oil, chocolate bars to homemade choc treats, a rolo yogurt pudding to a protein homemade ice cream mix. Not because you are not allowed these other foods, but just to potentially help with the transition of better choice. 

Week 8: 

Add in some self care time. Spend 5 minutes a day to start, on you. Maybe its saying nice things to your body in the mirror, reapeating affirmations, listing to your fav album and dancing in the mirror, either way... Take that 5 minutes and use it for some slef love attention. 




Ok so this might be click bait... the title works, but really, this is not a post about surviving Thanks giving or "getting through it"

The holidays are there to be enjoyed...Ah the holidays? The good ol holidays. The time of year we want to enjoy and relax and throw caution the wind but alas, we want consistent weight loss like all the time always forever and ever... (I say this in jest)

The holidays, when food is the devil and we will sin. When one dessert isn't enough, one day isn't enough. When we are so full we might be sick but go on then, one more treat won't hurt.

It's the holidays... I've enjoyed a few holidays now whilst in my "fitness journey" I've been all in, all encompassing of the days festivities and A) not binged or B) not only eaten one pea. Wahooooo!There's an in between. There's even a relaxed approach to have u not stressing on the day, before the day or after. 

The truth. 

Will you undo progress? I guess the question is, what is progress to you?And what does it mean? What type of progress is gonna be undone in one day? Ok let's call it 3 days? What is it that we are scared of? What is so terrifying?

I don't advocate these, but even if you have been on a strict, clean, restrictive diet/meal plan whatever you want to call it, then 1 to 3 days (off this) may result in some regression. (Ie bloat, gain a pound etc) but more than anything physical at all, it may mentally throw you. 

If your sole goal has been weight loss & you haven't been focusing on consistent, habit building, lifestyle changes but instead just going balls to the wall with cardio, low carbs and losing weight (not fat)...

If you haven't been trying to build on to your shape or gain some muscle or control your hormones or up your calorie threshold, if you haven't been eating in a way that is sustainable and instead, leaves you just focusing on dropping pound after pound (whether it's water muscle or fat) then yes. In 3 days you may feel guilty, you may get bloated, you may beat yourself up, you may feel like you failed, you may call this regression. And No one wants that because nope, it doesn't feel nice. And yes, because we attach to progression or goals rather than that in the way in which we get there. 

But we don't have to put ourselves in that position. And we don't have to be there year on year. Dieting, messing up, dieting some more, new years resolutions in check, by March, out the window, summer body hurrah and then holiday podge recoil us back to the promise we will diet for good this time. (Btw diet for good is not a thing) NEVER DO THIS!I want to put your mind at rest so that even if some physical regression happens, that you have the control and where withal to not let it mess with your head. 

Christmas day 2015

Christmas day 2015

The day after...

The day after...

Ok... let's go... Let's say you were (on a diet prior to the holidays) and you were eating 1400, 7 days a week. No "treats" no flexibility. Come the holidays let's say you go balls deep in ALL the food and have 4000cals (this isn't a silly number. It's quite respectable tbh) and lets say the day after you eat all the left overs too and have 3000cals. 

Your week might look like this...

Mon 1400

Tues 1400

Weds 1400

Thurs 4000cal

Fri 3000 cal

Sat 1800

Sun 1400

Mon 1400

Your usual total is 9800 (average of 1400 a day)

Your holiday week total is 14400 (average of 2050 a day) 

Ok. This realistically could be a surplus (meaning your eating more calories than your burning, meaning you possibly may gain weight. But here's the thing. Supposedly it takes 3500 extras calories (on top of your maintenance) to gain 1lb of fat. (actual fat)

If your deficit is 1400. Let's say your maintenance is 1700 cals. 1700 x 7 equals 11900 and at this number you would stay the same weight. If we added the extra 3500 cals to this our total would be 15400... Ok so wait... go back a lil bit.

If your dieting and yet for 3 days you stop. And you have the 4000 cals one day. 3000 on another because... leftovers and let's guess at 1800 the next because... der, holiday mode. We still calculated your total intake at 14400, 1000 cals under the amount science says you would gain weight at. Hurrah hurrah... 

SIDENOTE: (Since writing this blog I have read a fab article by physiqonomics on this subject. You can read it here. He is saying the same thing,but a little bit more succinct and he's funnier, go check it out)

Once you've finished this article mind lol... 

You with me still? Yes?

But your worried? You always gain weight over the holidays you say...Ok look, this is true. So do I. But remember, weight is not fat. And just as easily as "weight" can go on, so can it come off. 

Before Christmas dinner

Before Christmas dinner

After christmas dinner

After christmas dinner

You may see the scale creep up. But fat gain doesn't happen over night, and what happens in a week can be balanced back in a week. 

The worst case scenario (and I say worst like let's rule out a meteorite hitting earth and wiping out all your loved ones and leaving you alone with only a cockroach to talk to) other than that, the worst case scenario is that you gain a few pounds. 

Most of that weight isn't gonna be fat. I repeat myself I know but I need you to know too, like really know. A lot of it will be water retention. Some will be glycogen restoring your muscles. Sodium may bloat you. The actual food volume weighs something. If I eat for 6 people in 1 sitting, I'm gonna weigh more. Because... science. 

In terms of what you weigh, which I don't like using as such because there is this inner unicorn in me that wants you to know that weight doesn't matter. That the gravity in which is pulling you down onto the earth is just, a technicality. That the number means nada and your soul is what's full of beauty.But I get it, your soul has some goals and you may use the scale for progress (fine) but we must use it in a smarter way than jumping on the scale and just taking it for face value. 

Your weight will fluctuate daily. So we want to look at the average weight over one week. Let's look at your week in weight (an example, noones true readings) 

Mon 68kg

Tues 67.5kg

Weds 68.8kg

Thurs 67kg

Fri 70kg you freak out

Sat 70kg you freak out

Sun 69.5kg oh my god you started at 71kg you have fucked things up and waisted all our efforts previously... 

For the record, your average weight this week is 68.6... still 2.5kg under your starting weight. 

The issues start not with the food you eat on the day. Not with potential weight gain but with this... Most people on restrictive strict low cals either do one of two things. They freak out so much the stress causes them to eat even more, say faaak it, we've ruined everything, and carry on eating in truck loads. They end their "diet" carry on eating in a surplus and continuously gain back the pounds they lost, plus some.

Or this happens...

Mon 1100cals hard train add more volume add cardio

Tues 1100cals hard train add more volume add cardio

Weds 1100cals hard train add more volume add cardio

Thurs 5000 overindulge more cos starving and only one day of joy. Faaak it I'm exhausted

Fri 3000 ah screw it there's left overs. Il sort it tomorrow. Can't be arsed to train. 

Sat 2000cals Can't go back yet. It's Saturday. Gonna live my life il burn 500 cals on the stair climber though to make up for it. 

Sun 1000 restrict. Burn 500 on stair climber.  but I'm lazy for rest of day.

Total of 13300 (1900 per day) 400 per day over your norm of 1400 per day. Not far off what your average was in the previous example...

Accept this time you've added in cardio which you hate, restricted so much prior to the event that you now eat more over the break.

You have done way more volume, with way less calories in the lead up so you are more lethargic over the break too and your NEAT (non exercise activity thermogenisis) The moving/walking/fidgeting we do etc has reduced... Basically the extra volume added some increased expenditure but also tired you out so you generally did less overall.  

So you basically spent more time in gym for no reason.... you felt more hungry with the added cardio. You felt drained with all the training, you felt guilty from all the food you ate that you tried to cancel out with all the training, and basically, you are in fact, worse off, because you are starting the following week feeling a bit rough. 

BUT!!! THERE IS ANOTHER OPTION for anyone that is on some sort of "cut" (ie trying to drop fat" Again, please know I only use calories as an example. Just so that it is seen very obviously how the numbers balance out. Whether your tracking or not, we are still eating calories. Be it that you take note of these or don't, the body is still doing what we do with them, the same, using them, or storing them... Tracking can either chill a person out, or freak a person out, so I always advise that you know which one you are, and if you don't, try either, and learn from the situation. 

So...Someone on a strict cut/diet could have a week that looks like this

Mon 1400 train normal

Tues 1400 train normal

Weds 1400 train normal

Thurs 3000 yay but not binge. Rest day

Fri 2000 ooo this feels good rest day but go do a long walk. Stay active. Mess about

Sat 1800 easing out of it the food coma, but don't want to diet again yet. Stay active, go for a walk. Digest that food :)

Sun 1400 back on track but still take a rest from training in the gym cos your with family. Energy all week for good NEAT and trained 3 times. Same volume as usual 4 days. You just split it into 3. Nothing excessive or extra. 

Total cals 12400 (average per day 1770) Slightly over your norm, not crazy. May still bloat, but hey, who doesn't love a food baby? Still not above the likely weight gain numbers, more than likely maintenance. Training same so your body is used to the energy output prior to the holidays. Post the break, you are more than likely to have more energy from the calories and carbs. Use this fuel to lift heavier rather than to do more fat burny stuff.Strength gains good. Lifting more, muscles under mores stress so adaption is bigger, ie bigger gains in density & muscle size over time. Body feels tighter due to glycogen restored. Butt plumper. Waist will go back to previous weeks measurements cos water retention is gone. You more than likely will see your body pleased of the diet break. Cortisol levels that may have been high from dieting will lower and you will benefit from the few days off. You have regulated to your current norm without losing energy, time and sanity. HURRAHHHH!

Your weigh ins the week after may look something like...

mon 69.5

tues 69

weds 69.3

thurs 69.5

fri 69

sat 68.7

sun 68.5

Average 69kg (.4 or 1lb) heavier than the week before. This is 1lb. ONE POUND!!!

If this 1lb is enough to freak you out (and I am not judging, I too have been there so so many a time) I guess I would just ask you why? What rush are you in? What does this 1lb represent to you? Is it worth being upset over?

The following week you could reduce your calories by 10% per day for a few days and I will assure you, you will be back to you post holiday weight this week. 

This example above is just an example. I have read so many posts on this matter this week. IG is rife with HOW TO BEAT THE HOLIDAYS. Some giving advice, some recoiling and telling you to eff it all and eat all you want. This is not a way to "survive" or "beat" the holidays, this is just a (long arse post) trying to break down for you, as nicely as I can, the reasons why we should all just chill the eff out!

I swear, the chilled out version is so so much more enjoyable. 

Still need convincing? If so, read on... actually read on anyways as I may say something wise. I also may not... Sorry!

So you weren't on a diet before. You are just maintaining. You are happy where you are. But no, you don't want to regress. You don't want to jeopardise or rock where you are... The same principle as above applies. Lets say your maintenance is 1800 cals. Maybe you have a couple less treats in the lead up to the hols, just because its easy enough to lose a spoon of peanut butter or not have a bag of popcorn or just skip your flat white for a few days.

Mon 1700 train normal

Tues 1700 Train normal

Weds 1700 Train normal

Thurs You don't track but lets guesstimate 4000cals. Rest

Fri You haven't felt restricted in the lead up but theres still leftovers so you have 2500 and do a little home workout cos you get cabin fever and want some endorphin's. sat 1800 rest

sun 1800 rest

Weekly total this week is 15200 at an average of 2100

Remember (in general) it takes 3500 extra cals to gain 1lb in actual fat per week. So I would need to eat 1800 x 7 plus 3500 which would equal 16100...Hey presto. We are safe from fat gain too. Training stayed the same so no energy output differ, the body enjoyed the rest and my sanity is still in check.

It has taken me years to figure this out. To stay calm through the holidays. When people would say it was impossible that I gained 7lb in the few festive days, I would squeal at them. ITS TRUE I DID!!! And I felt hard done by and I hated these other faaaakers that seemed to stay balanced. But here is the fundamental difference between gainers over the holidays and maintainers during the hols...

The gainers... (like I used to be)

  • I restricted too much in the lead up that I would binge on the days off
  • I did excessive cardio to try and out do the calories, which in turn made me more hungry so I ate more, or made me more lathargic so I burned less cals in general. 
  • I felt guilt, so I ate more
  • I gave up cos I weighed and saw weight gain so wrote off the whole week/2 weeks/month. 
  • I stressed about it so I held more water.
  • I avoided training altogther cos I was burnt out and I hated exercise. 
  • I ate mindlessly, overate to prove I was "a carefree fun human" during the festiities
  • I didn't gain anything at all, just bloat, but the fear, stress and disordered thinking sent me a wol and into a mental panic. 

The maintainers... (Like I assumed only existed in My Little Ponies or viccy secret models)

  • They don't restrict excessively before hand, so when it comes to the actual hols they don't feel the need to "over do" it
  • They don't change their training before hand with adding in excess cardio, so their hunger queues stay the same, their energy balance continues the same
  • They don't feel guilty, because they are living a balanced life that allows them food, and more of it. 
  • They don't weigh, note the bloat, but are aware it is just that. 
  • They don't stress about it, hormones stay level and regular.
  • They keep training consistently or smartly by breaking up their days to fit their life that week (or they miss some workout days but know nothing will happen so don't worry about it and carry on as normal post holidays.
  • They eat mindfully, stopping when full, or near enough :) 
  • They gain, but aren't attached to this as are not always trying to drop weight and are happy to maintain for a week or so knowing it will probably do their body good. 


So, heres a recap of what you can do to enjoy this festive period!

  • Keep training the same.if you are travelling and need more rest days, take it, or split your 4 day week into a 3 day week by adding a few exercises to the other workouts from the missed one.
  • Don't do excessive cardio, but keep NEAT up and do some added liis etc.
  • Have eating habits in place that enable you to not feel like you are ever on a diet as such and learn what your hunger queues are and mindfully eat in general.
  • Use the extra carbs and calories for making strength gains in the gym the following week. 
  • Enjoy the food. 
  • Rub your food baby. 
  • Track/don't track, whatever is a positive or non destructive event for you. 

Thats it... stay sane. Don't do anything drastic. Live life. Get back on track. Please please note, the holidays are there to be enjoyed. That means relaxing with friends and family. It doesn't have to mean excessive food, but if you mum is a feeder then hey, enjoy it. Relax. Don't tie yourself to the endless goals, know you are amazing and worthy of love and belonging, Turkey food baby or not and just think unicorn thoughts. Life is short. Enjoy the food! 

CAN YOU HAVE IT ALL: Strong, lean, healthy AND happy?


Can you feel strong lean content and healthy all at the same time in optimal amounts? 

I feel like in fitness, after we get over the initial "I jus I just want a 6 pack with a waist as small as Marilyn Monroe and hips Shakira would lie for along with legs the length of my to do list, we begin to have in mind other goals. 

It's hard to see the wood for the trees as you scroll through your feed. Got chicks here, muscle men there,info that sounds legit, researched, scientific. 

It's hard to not wanna do what (insert Instagram crush here) is doing cos look at the shape on her... "I want me summa that" I'm not immune to that. In January a very popular fitness Instagram profesh was selling a program. She's gowgeous. Her body is excuse the phrase "bangin"  


Let's remember I am a qualified PT. I have also been doing both of but reading up & listening to as much "good solid" information about exercise and nutrition as well as coach myself through 5 months of bikini comp training,I'm not the most qualified, but I know better. I KNOW BETTER! And yet I still had the thought (and it came to me as quickly as I can wolf down a packet of kinder bon bons (pre plant based life) the thought that "if I buy her guide maybe I will end up with a body like (name beginning WIT G and ending in E) Hey Grace if ya reading this. Love ya girl. 

I, still, knowing what I know, train in how I've trained, thought that if I did her guide I would look like she does (amazing btw if u don't follow her already u should, not just cos she's but cos she's funny & gives great content. As quickly as the thought came, another thought came to me. These thoughts dint used to come to me at all and I used to believe my initial thoughts, but as times gone on, I've learnt to counter act my shit chat with logic and I realised...  "I won't ever have that body because

A) it's not my body, full stop, even if we have similar shape, her bod is hers and if it was mine, I'd probably critique it more than I ever should. 

B) I don't have her boobs. Not in a woe is me my boobs are small type way, but in a... I just. don't have big boobs and therefore my shape inevitably looks different. It's a fact. 

Its not that her program wouldn't work. It will. And I can assure you it's a good program, I bought it cos I'm a nosey cow.  I defo say try it out, heres a link plus she is selling booty bands and I am 100% going to purchase them. 

But my point, most programs work, if you follow them. And for some reasons a little kafuffling, we don't often follow things to a tee and after 4 weeks skip out, or don't read the info properly or don't give it our all. 

But if We followed the instructions, implemented progressive overload, ate well (and that doesn't mean eating little, I mean well) and stayed consistent, we would all see results... ALL (and of course there are exceptions to the rule) but when I say ALL I mean generally all. So maybe I shouldn't cap it lol. But you get my point. 


What was your point actually Danni? 

How to feel lean, content healthy and strong all at once? 

Ah yes. Is it possible?

Ah well... 

It is,and it isn't. It can be and it can't? 



Great. Useful. You just read all this mumbo jumbo to here about Gracefituk who u already follow and love and now you've wasted valuable IG scrolling time! 

WAIT. Hear me out. If you've got this far you may as well give it another 5 (maybe 15 mins) 

To be your fittest optimally (and have am all encompassing well round feel of all the 4 things above) we have to decide what fitness really means to us. 

Is it a 6 pack? A thigh gap? Lifting double our body weight? Running up stairs? Waking up feeling good? Eating without guilt? Which one stands out? Which one hits a nerve. List them in priority. Because that is what you will need to decide upon. Your priorities. To have all 4 fitness goals at their optimals may be impossible. 

Optimal is one of those words that gets thrown around in The fitness industry a lot. So maybe I'll change it to expectations. 

You may need to lower your expectations. And I'm not saying that means give up, don't bother at all and wallow in a crisps and dips eating, pyjamas wearing depression. We are not all Jenifer Lopez. We are mere humans. We are living, working, menstruating, eating cake, adulting (or trying to) and to reach expectations beyond what being healthy may actually look like is not always sustainable. (unless you are the exception to the rule, but lets, for arguments sake, say that none of us are)

At the start of my fitness journey I assumed I'd be so lean even Geri Halliewell circa her "yoga" phase, would be jel. I also imagined I'd squat double my body weight, do a trillion pull ups and that whilst doing so rainbows and fairy dust would shoot out my bum in glittery covered health pooticles good enough to bath my gorgeous glowing healthy skin in and I would be so content I would never think about a diet or exercise ever again!!! THIS LIFE DOESN'T EXIST BTW!

Being lean meant being healthy right? And being healthy meant being fit and being fit meant I was no longer that lazy, ice cream eating miserable cow bag that hated her body so much it made her cry. I had goals. They were multiplying. They were losing control... 

Ok look!

When I was my leanest I wasn't able to spontaneously go out for dinner date nights. If we did, it wasn't for French fries covered in truffle oil. These two things, dinner and French fries, bring me joy and happiness. They make me content if not a little smelly. Also when I was at my leanest there was no way I was squatting double my body weight. I was just about managing to get my 3 he 6 days a week workouts in, let alone have the up most strength for heavy heavy lifts. I needed to reserve my energy to just 'be' and also do that stupid amount of double cardio (prep life isn't real life) 


Conversely, when I began eating more, I became stronger. Post comp I started strength training and enjoyed feeling like wonder woman. But despite my strength. I would get injured, I also found myself feeling bloated and heavy and gaining weight rapidly post comp (and this can be post any diet life) My period came back so health goal check. But my mentality wasn't healthy. I worried constantly about weigh gain. I beat myself up for not being good enough that I couldn't stay lean. I was anxious and it took a long while to find my happy again.

Being my leanest dint bring me my happiest, most content self. Neither did being strong. My content'ness wasn't found in how strong or how fit I seemed. I could do a plyo push up and 10 pull ups in a row, but I was dealing with other issues that made the journey hard and ultimately wasn't healthy.

Find what your really search in for.

Is it really to be your leanest self? Cos this might mean no fries or ice cream. Yes you can eat those thing. Daily if you please and you can still be lean. But are you ok being 18% body fat and not 13%? 

Do you really want to bulk? Grow so much muscle you feel a bit out of sorts. Or your lifting so much you get injured more times than you can train? 

There is nothing essentially wrong with dieting down and being lean, or bulking up or eating loads or having aesthetic goals... it's what our expectations deem ideal and how we then get that ideal that mucks us up. It isn't lifting heavy or eating more that is the issue, but how we program our training and know our bodies limits to not push it too far and also eat in a normal way rather than stuffing our faces till we feel sick. It's learning about you and your needs, wants and compromises.

There is a balance. You can live lean, get strong, feel content and healthy. 

Just remember being lean isn't being fatless. We need some for health. Being healthy also isn't eating kale whilst training 6 days a week. It might be healthier for you to train 4 days and eat ice cream sandwiches once a week

 Being strong doesn't mean training and lifting so much you do it all the time with no phases in your training, constantly trying to hit PBs in the gym. Also being fit doesnt mean you can do 100 burpees followed by 60 mins uphill sprints and then hip thrust 250kg for 100 reps,if it takes you 5 days to recover. 



The middle ground is boring. The balance isn't sexy. 

The "20% body fat, 2 pack, thighs touching but in good shape, can do 20 mins hiit and run up stairs but not do somersault with a 80kg barbell, sometimes gets spots but most times have normal skin, eating cake each week but eating ya greens and proteins daily, takes an ok selfie but doesn't look like (insert Instagram crush here) stuff" isn't the hierarchy of all our expectations. But that doesn't mean any of that isn't worth achieving. 

If you want more help on how to find the balance, subscribe to the blog on the home page as, I will be posting more and more content and coaching discounts on there in the future. 

But for now. 

Eat the cake, dance in ya undies and love your life. Losing 95% of it for 5% body fat isn't worth it.

Trust me

Click on the pics to see how a Zaful bikini looks in many ways. Dont be fooled by posing :)



The photo on my left was always my go to #before picture (Not cos I was at my 'biggest but it stood out as my most unhappy #bodyimage day) The day when I felt lost and disconnected the most. I did not want to be in that body and I hated myself, not for not loving it, but for not being skinny enough. Why could I not just eat all the pasta, pizza and gelato and NOT gain weight? The anger was so real it took over my day. I cried, I was moody. I felt like a potato. 

If you follow my Instagram, you will know about my journey. You will know how unhealthy I know the above thoughts are. And rather than feel ashamed of the fact that this is who I was. Who I still can be. I want to share those vulnerabilities because as painful as it is to admit, so many of you girls relate. And I think in talking about these moments, we open up to change, growth and awareness. 

Today I saw that this left photo and saw that it was to the day, exactly 4yrs ago. And to the lb, I weigh exactly 4kg heavier. Not that the number matters, but I do like the rounded, synchronicity of a kilo for each year. 

People would question why I was so unhappy in my skin on the left. Because I wasn't over weight.

But discontentment in your skin isn't about being over weight or being a certain size (even though I told myself it was) It wasn't about having abs (I still want those) or having long, lean Viccy Secret model legs (I wouldn't say no) it's just that now my worth is not reliant on such wants. It's not even about fitting into societies standards. I fitted in OK. I wasn't a model, but I wasn't being forced to walk around with a paper bag over my head claiming I "Am not an animal, I am a human being" (If you know you know... RIP The Elephant Man) 

I talk a lot about societies standards. It's role it has to play on young women, but essentially, when we stop the blame and the excuses and stop looking outside of ourselves, we have to look within us to really ask... WTF is going on?

On the left I didn't feel ENOUGH. Of what I can't tell u. It was a mixture of things. I wasn't tall enough, lean enough, tight enough, white enough, black enough, my hair wasn't straight enough or glossy enough. My thighs were not slim enough, my hips weren't wide enough, my waist wasn't small enough. I wasn't likeable enough, funny, enough, intelligent enough, wise enough, kind enough. It wasn't only about my looks. I just wasn't ENOUGH!!!

The same reason someone's alcohol addiction isn't about the booze itself. People do not become alcoholics because booze tastes so gaaadam good. It's about the thoughts behind why they drink. It is something lacking in them that they need to fill that void. I chose to fill my void with endless "diets" of 1200cals or less. I filled my void with addiction to discontentment. 

If booze is the distraction from the emptiness one feels, then unhappiness was NOT the prerequisite of my body not looking the way I wanted it to. But was actually the distraction from the horror I felt of never feeling enough. And only when you want to change the lack of enoughness to an abundance of, erm, enoughness, will the distractions become less distracting and you can actually take hold of the emptiness an fill it with love and not hate. 

1200 calories is hate. cabbage soup diets were hate. Resentment, bitterness, anger, entitlement, pity. It was all a dark cloud that I would use to fill the wholes inside me that just always felt void. But as a wise man once stated, darkness cannot drown out the darkness, only light can do that. 

SELF LOVE is not something that just appears one day. That emptiness you feel, it doesn't just disappear. And once you have it, you don't just own it and keep it in your fanny pack for rainy days. It is something that you have to work at. The same as an alcoholic is always one (as they say in AA) but you form habits to stop yourself picking up your "filler" With body dysmorphia or body image issues, it's the same. The old patterns of self loathing talk, still slide off my brain easily. I still find it easy to look in the mirror and pick apart the things that aren't perfect. 

But... I have spent time forming habits that stop me from picking up those thoughts, and running with them. I may sniff that glass of wine, but I wont get drunk on it, I won't lose myself in the dizzy black hole of self hate and loathing. 

Why? Because I do not want to be on my death bed, wishing I had done something better with my time. Wishing I had loved myself. Wishing I had done more, wishing I could have felt enough when I am sure the big voice that will speak down to me whilst I lie there lifeless will say something like "but you always were you bloody effing fool. You always had the choice to do better and you chose to stay in your place of darkness and now look, your here and its too late, you had all this potential, but you let fear and negativity swallow you up" I don't know who this big voice is talking to me (I don't believe in God per se, but if I go with what I do believe, that we are God, God is within us and that heaven or hell is our own subconcious, then I guess that voice I hear whilst I lay there dead... is me! 

Now if you are keeping up, my point was, I dont want to regret not loving myself. I didnt want to live with the dark heavy burden that I carried in the picture on the left. 

To anyone reading this that may not resonate, that's OK too. This is often like therapy for me, able to projectile vomit my thoughts on my past NOT ENOUGHNESS. but if anything, I hope that you can understand, this wasn't about needing to look like J Lo or Kate Moss or Christina Milian. It was about a deep yearning of filling those dark holes with something. And it sure wasn't slimming pills I needed.

I'm not sure if change can happen if your not ready for it. The world is vibrating at frequencies unbeknown to us and I do believe that if we are vibrating or putting out energy that is to block the energy we want, we won't get the change we seek. For years the vibrations I vibrated were that of negativity. I said I wanted a particular body, yet I couldn't get it. I said I wanted to be happy, and yet I wasn't. I think (in all it's hippy dippy glory) that is because I was vibrating these dead, blunt, heavy emotions that would resist letting the light in. 

In less hippy dippy terms, lets just say, if all you're thinking about is the colour red, and I ask you to look around the room, all you see is the colour red. There is a mental block on all the other things. I was constantly thinking, I am fat, I am fat, I didn't have the wherewithal to see anything else. If I say don't think of the blue elephant I guarantee, all your mind sees is the blue elephant. So even if you find it hard to think in vibrations and light, put simply, if all your time is focused on the shit bits, all you are seeing are the shit bits. 

I can't tell you what frequency to vibrate at. I can't sell you a package of self love you can spray on yourself and bath in (the beauty industry say they are doing that, but I assure you, they re quick fixes) I can tell you to start looking for the beauty in you. Start telling yourself different thoughts. Even a simple one, that even if you don't believe, say it out loud. 


I don't even care if there are skeptics out there reading this that believe this is bullcrap. I am telling you. This statement, changed my life. 

There are days I still find myself batting it away. But every time you do, bat something positive back. Neither thought may be a fact, so why let the negative one win? 

When I realised that change would occur when I realised why I wanted it to, when I discovered the true value in wanting the change. Things started happening. 

Ask yourself. Why do you want longer legs? Abs? A better body. When the answers come back that have no value, it becomes apparent that we have no real umph for it at all. 

I finally decided I wanted to feel more comfortable in my skin. 

I wanted to create habits that would help my mentality as well as my body. 

It really dawned on me that I wanted to see results because I wanted to accomplish something, know that I could put my mind to creating change and reap the rewards. 

I also discovered along the way that the change I thought would come wasn't the change I thought would. Yes I lost fat, gained muscle, yes I did a fitness comp where I was hella lean, yes I had abs for 5 mins, yes I gained all those habits that would help me mentally and physically. But I became comfy in my skin (not just when I was skinny) The change that happened was that my perception changed. I asked myself what was beautiful? Did I need to conform to someone else's beauty standard? Did I need to be 50kg just because that was a 14yr old dream. Did I need to spend every hour thinking about my body and if so, why, what did it all mean? 

I became super aware over this last year, of what had really been going on with all this body warped negativity. My perception shifted and I looked at the girl in the blue bikini and didn't see what I saw 4 years before. As in, I actually looked at it and thought it had been altered to look smaller. I was adamant I had been bigger back then. 

4 years, plus 4 kilos, plus one big realisation. 

I AM ENOUGH. And so are you. 

If you want to start implementing the habits that will help create better thoughts and better results, go to my home page, subscribe and you will recieve a 7 day guide towards self love. For free. Because sharing is caring and all that jazz ;) 

Peace, love, good energy and all that's in-between xxx

Is Self Objectification On Instagram A Form Of Self Harm?




  1. 1.

    degrade to the status of a mere object.

    "a deeply sexist attitude that objectifies women"


OBJECTIFICATION: Treating a person as an object or thing, rather than someone with emotion.

A person, a subject, is a living, breathing human. An object is not. An object has no rights, needs or emotions. This in turn has a subconscious affect. We can treat objects badly, because they don't have emotions. If a person is seen as an object, it is easy to treat with disrespect.

We often look at objectification from a male perspective. This was first noted in the 70's when someone stated that the media would depict women through mens eyes. The male gaze. Either men behind the camera, or men were the "assumed" audience or women were used to further mens stories. The implication of this meant a woman had no voice. With no voice, they had no story, which often led to no respect. 

Objectification is also often a symptom of rape culture in the broad sense of the subject. In societies that devalue women's rights and femininity there is often a strong correlation with the objectifying women and normalising of sexual violence. Which is why there is such a negative connotation when we discuss self objectification. Making the assumption that women who "self" objectify are bringing to them selves, violence or disrespect.

BUT... I am a true believer that OBJECTIFICATION IS SOMETHING THAT SOMEONE DOES TO YOU. You cannot make someone objectify you. As the protest went,

"Don't teach your girls not to wear short skirts, teach your sons not to rape people"

A woman named Wendy Mc Elroy states that'objectification' of women is about making women into objects. But that is meaningless because inanimate objects do not have sexuality. Humans "do." We are our bodies, as well as our minds and souls.  

I listened to a pod cast the other day that prompted this post. "Is #fitsporation giving you an eating disorder?" It was by "Shredded By Science" (You can listen here) These guys are one of my go to's, for a lot of my fitness info and opinions. I like the people they have on, I share their ethos in coaching and they know their shit. So I listened with an open mind as it is a subject that interests me a lot.  

The evidence two researchers found whilst trawling through pictures that were hashtagged with #fitsporation, was interesting. A mahoosive percentage of the images found under the hashtag were, what they would define as "sexy" That fitness was being shown as very provocative and sensual, mostly from women.

Fitness had somehow evolved into sexiness. 

I wondered how we got from fit to sexy over the years. Had fit always been perceived as sexy, were sexy people always seen as fit? (I think not) But...

  1. fit·ness



    1. the condition of being physically fit and healthy.

      synonyms:good health, strength, robustness, vigor, athleticism, toughness, physical fitness, muscularity; More

      • the quality of being suitable to fulfill a particular role or task.

        synonyms:suitability, capability, competence, ability, aptitude; More

If I take this back, to a time way way way back, like cave man times, you needed to be fit and muscular so that you could A) Go hunt and lift things or B) be fit for carrying a child & get through child birth. If I stay here in cave man days, we know that our bodies were supposedly solely designed to procreate & that "sex for pleasure," is a far newer experience.

The correlation I can make is that if you, as a man had a strong, muscular, fit looking body to go hunt, a woman may find that she may want to procreate with a provider and if you had a body that looked able to carry a child, a man may be more inclined to want to procreate with you. 

To be sexy...




  1. sexually attractive or exciting. (WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?)

    synonyms:sexually attractive, seductive, desirable, alluring, toothsome, sensual, sultry, slinkyprovocative, tempting, tantalizing;More

    • sexually aroused.

      "neither of them was feeling sexy" (ITS A FEELING)

From this we can conclude that being sexy is about being appeal by definition. Sexy also translates to a feeling. Do we feel sexy when we feel appealing? And is what we choose to be appealing, only appealing because we have been force fed certain images by the media and society alike. In today's society, what we find appealing changes often and is helped along by social media, influencers and the likes of people we see heavily in the media.

The podcast also discussed in their research, that this has a close link to women objectifying themselves because we have now begun over relating our worth to our appearance.

The issue with being objectified by society again and again is that women can be led to associate our worth to our body's appearance and it's sexual functions. If we weren't being force fed a social constructional idea of what "sexy is"... appealing, pleasing to the eye, desirable before, we now have it at the slight swipe of a phone screen in teeny squares, when we wake up, when we go to the loo, when we sit on the tube, in the bath (I am not the only one that risks it lol) before we go to sleep. 

BUT... firstly, it is OUR choice who we follow and what images we see, and secondly, the internet is at least filled with real people, sharing their version of their body? Right? Surely that is a leap and bound away from a man in a suit sitting behind his desk deciding that "sex sells" and this is what that is. We are now deciding? Or are we?

By posting "sexy" "provocative" half dressed, images, the worry is that women think of ourselves as passive objects, just bodies to look at, or be used, rather than a person of worth accumulated by other factors other than how we look, we become disconnected to our bodies. We cannot see our bodies for what they can do and accomplish, but merely just for how they look.

There was also a study done in 1977 that relates sexual objectification to eating disorders, anxiety and depression. The study was done by Fredrickson and Roberts (1997) It stated that when a woman's body is singled out from her as a person and primarily for male "use," women are more likely to develop mental issues. Indirectly women internalise this view of ourselves and begin to self objectify by treating ourselves as objects to be looked at and evaluated on our appearance, we begin to place ourselves against appearance attributes rather than competence attributes, and we begin to watch our appearance and experience our body according to how it looks rather than what it can do. This falls in line with what they were saying on the podcast, when we do this, we begin to miss signs from the bodies natural cues like hunger, sexual arousal and stomach contractions, effectively becoming numb to the natural "feelings" we should naturally feel.

I resonate and see the foundation in this discovery. I have found measuring my worth on my appearance, my desirability, my body, and it has taken a long time, but what I have found has helped me get past that, is that since being on my journey of "fitness" and embracing the idea of MY bikini body being displayed for lots to see and "posing" as such, I have found a new connection to my body I didn't quite have before. Its a bit like seeing myself through someone else's lens, and whilst I see there can be a disconnect, I found that my own perception of my body can be warped. Allowing myself to see my body "objectively" (from someone elses point of view) has enabled me to connect with it more.

We have sexuality. We are not just objects that sex happens to. Humans, male and female, are sexual. It is a feeling, an essence, that originated from the 1925 definition of "sexy" which was to be "engrossed in sex." But who told us what that feeling "looked" like. I am guessing the way in which we got "the sex" has something to do with how we encompass that in a visual form. To get the sex, we must be appealing to the person we are trying to get the sex from? 

But its 2017. I am 32, And I find myself needing to appeal to men less and less, I'm not trying to get sex, approval or love from anyone and what I seek is my appeal to myself. I want to find myself attractive, beautiful, sexy. As well as strong, intellectual, intelligent, kind, empathetic. It's as if society has decided that we are void of being those qualities if we want the other ones too. As if the two cannot coexist. Of course i admit, I had spent years longing for "A sexy body" more than I wanted world peace. A shame, but true. And whilst I see the connection between the media (social and otherwise) I see that this starts somewhere far more closer to home than the magazines we read or the Instagram feeds we follow.

The idea is not to stop being sexual or being seen as sexual for that matter, but somehow re-framing man/societys ideas that being seen as sexual does not have to be passive, 1 dimensional or FOR THEM! It doesn't mean we are stripped of personality or dignity, it doesn't mean that we are not strong willed or tenacious or hard working. Women can be all of the above. They can all run along side each other and create a 3D, well rounded woman, interesting woman. An intellegent woman can take her clothes off, embrace her body, feel strong and vulnerable and also empowered. When we are intelligent, we prove it, when we have an opinion we speak it, when we are funny, we tell jokes, when we feel vulnerable, we show fear. Then why not, as sexual beings we be open about our sexuality?

The problem arises when society then gets boxed into the idea of what being sexual/sexy is? If we decide that sexy is "girl in bikini with her bum on show with in proportion features & an appeasing look to the general public" then that is what it is. But some people see a piece of art and decide it is one thing, and another will see it as something else entirely. That is the beauty of perception, free will and the difference in human instinct. If man wants to see me as merely an object, he can, because I know the truth. I know I am more than my bottom or my size or my shape.  I am more than my poses on Instagram. I am more than just this body.

If I know that truth, isn't that then MY truth, and is that not the truth that matters?

but I haven't always felt that way...

On one hand we are told what is appealing in mass, by the media, and when we don't fit in with these ideals, we feel we don't belong. we feel ostracised, on the outskirts looking in at what society and the media tell us is beautiful. This was me at 14 realizing I didn't look like Britney Spears. 

The other issue is that we are continuously trying to be appealing, so we fit in? By doing so, are we trying to be appealing to others? To fill in the gaps of their story rather than tell our own? The more we do this, the more we see ourselves as pawns in someone else game. 


For me, owning my body, being comfortable with it enough to embrace its sexuality and it's femininity; it's curves and edges and presence; has been powerful for me. I feel liberated in being able to share my "perception" of my body, in a story & a way that I find relates to me personally. I feel that taking ownership of our bodies and sharing them, with skin showing, less conservative perhaps, is me saying...

"I'm not doing this because a man asked me to, society needs me to, but because I want to."

Someone asked me the other day, "But why? Why do you want to share your body? with anyone else"

Here is where for me this relates to fitness, which I truly believe is about fr more than getting in the gym and eating certain foods... like sexuality, it is a "feeling"

"Why not show my body?" I responded. It is not something I feel I should need to cover up. Is the issue me showing my body, or is it the posing?" 

I hated my body for so long. The scars of the mental self harm, stay shiney and raised for me to notice from time to time. When I do have moments when those scars do not define me, I find myself embracing it, I find myself wanting to embrace all aspects of "me"

They then questioned me further, "but why share it with 20k people? Why does anyone need to see these images  here on this post?"


Growing up, I was adorned with perfume ads selling me (their idea) of a sexy woman. Women who were long and lean and waif like. They showed me skin that did not look like my own, features that I did not recognise, hair styles that I could not replicate They showed me "sexuality" on their terms, the medias terms, without a story, without context, without the knowledge that this was not ALL women. 

They showed us something that we were missing, (because most of the population were missing the smooth, cellulite free, tight, toned, "perfect" body. They sold us something they were convincing us we didn't have. They did not want us to feel whole, in love with who we were, because if we realised that, we did not "need" anything. to make us whole, we wouldn't buy the thing they were selling. It's not perfume they hook us on. The media had us at EGO. Instinctively picking up on our desire to be desired, to be seen in the same way the girl on the advert would be seen. Sex sells, because it is about desire? The issue isn't sex or appeal. It's not "being sexual", it's being force fed the idea of what sexy is by telling us what someone should desire.

A picture of me laughing is sexy, a picture of my butt, can be sexy, a picture of me staring into space fully dressed no skin on show, can be sexy. If we all show all aspects of ourselves and give it context, are we not allowed to show our sexuality, depending on how we define it? 

Because the world is changing. I show my body on Instagram. I am embracing ALL of me. It tells a story, other than the one I was sold aged 14. It shows you my journey. From body dysmorphia to my freedom in my skin. It shows you the ups and downs of finding balance, finding habits, finding love for myself. It shows you the "good" days and the "bad" It asks you to question what you define as beauty. To find your own. And whilst it may look like we are posing to get "attention" or validation or to appeal to the opposite sex, that says more about the audience who decides that than it does about me. I know my story. I know I have a voice. I know I am multifaceted. Able to be sexy, funny, strong, articulate, vulnerable all at the same time. We do not need to prove that to everybody else, but we do have to truly believe it ourselves and stay n touch with this belief. 

The issue of objectification is most definitely not going to be sorted here in this messy, mass of thoughts I have and ideas I am pondering upon after I have read a few pieces off google. Hah. But the only conclusion I feel certain of, is that we as a society need to ask ourselves certain questions.

If we were not made to think of our bodies as objects, would we rely on the need to be desired? And if we did not need to be desired would we still show our bodies in sexual ways? What benefit do we get from being "sexy" Does it validate us? Give us worth? Power? Ownership? Does it lead us to feel better about ourselves? Like ourselves more? I think these are all questions we need to ask. Who is this for and why?

I have a very small male following on Instagram. In fact most men I don't know, who follow me, get blocked (sorry guys) I have about 10% if that, of my following being males. I do not post for them. So do I post for women? Or perhaps myself.

I got bought up in a society that told me having some chub, was not desirable... and finally I decided its not the chub that is the issue. It was the idea I needed to be desirable in the 1st place? Why does being desirable mean feeling more worthy? Who teaches us that being desirable is what we seek?

My first memories of not being desirable was playing kiss chase in the playground, and noone chasing me. Automatically I felt "less than" Even though it was instilled in me to love myself. That I was deserving of love and that I was beautiful. Why did it start to matter that others didn't seem to find me beautiful even though I would look in the mirror, age 10 and tell myself I was pretty? I defined my own beauty back then, not having to match up to anyone else's standards but my own. So why, one day, standing in the playground whilst the boys chased other girls who they had somehow been taught already, were more "desirable" did I feel disconnected. I felt lonely. I felt left out. Don't us humans have a fundamental desire to belong? Somewhere along the line, we decide we need to belong to someone else, when really, we need to belong to ourselves.

As an adult I am aware that when I feel sexy (desirable) I may be more inclined to masturbate (YUP I WENT THERE PEOPLE) when I feel sexy I may feel more inclined to be open and forthright, I may be more confident, intimate, outspoken, willing to share and to give myself to another human being, which is bar far not a negative. All scenarios enable me to feel connected. To myself. Or a chosen human being.

The desire to feel connected. Intimate. Isn't that about being at one with someone, mind and soul, to vibrate (OIY OIY) with them on another level other than just the mere "hi how you doings" we often interact on. And if sexiness is about connection, then can it not be about connecting with ourselves? I find posing "sexy" as society decided to call it. A way of standing tall, indignant and a show of confidence. The same way I find being assertive in a conversation empowering, I feel the same with a pose that says "this is me, I am self assured and OK in this body of mine" I enjoy seeing my body in its glory, especially if I have worked hard for certain aspects of it. Of course, we need to find ways of seeing glory from things other than our bodies or how we or others perceive them.

The whole point in life, for me, is about connection. To ourselves, to the earth, and to others. Instinct tells me that laughter, intimacy, peace, all enable those things. I want to be able to feel all three without a society telling me that it will have a negative impact on my mental health or, someone else's for that matter. We show joy by laughing, peace with stillness and desire for my own appeal, to myself 

If we see ourselves as the subject, an active, breathing, human with a personality, rights, needs, wants, desires and not the object, a passive, still, unemotional "thing..." If we see ourselves as our story; not that in which helps tell someone else's? Are we not doing a good job of not objectifying ourselves? Is that not enough? 

If we contextualise ourselves? Give it all meaning. If we ask ourselves questions? If we share the knowledge we learn (sexy poses don't have to be for men, but for ourselves) If we tell our children being sexy is a sensation, a feeling, an essence? If we explain to them that sexy or beauty is defined by ourselves and not a man or a cooperate company trying to sell us perfume? If we explain to our children that our bodies are OK to be seen as sexual if we embody our 3 dimensional selves and do not rely on our bodies to be singled out as separate from our personality or dignity. That dignity doesn't come from shying away from our sexuality, but owning it for ourselves. Respect doesn't come from covering up to teach a society to think differently, it comes from knowing our worth without being desired by someone else? If we teach our children to be connected to themselves first and foremost and to measure themselves against whole-hearted important things like if they are kind, empathetic, generous, open, happy... and that it's not "for" anybody else to make us happy, that we are whole as we are, mind body and soul. Is the change not in the knowledge we can teach and share?

Will a 14 yr old girl see my pictures here, and feel unworthy, unsexy, undesired? What will be the difference in her seeing these pictures and being empowered or enslaved? Will she see it and decide that someone else's comfort in her skin, takes away from her identity with her mind, or soul? Will I be judged for not being "pretty" if society decides I am not. Will a 14 year old girl think I am selling them another object to pit themselves agaisnt? Or will she someone elses point, message and find a way to feel free in her own? Will she learn that sex or sexuality is not a bad thing, but that we must not seek desire or validation from someone else to confirm said sexiness. They should be able to feel sexy, beautiful, because they decide they are, rather than needing someone else to confirm it. I would have not shared these pictures in the past incase someone thought I wasn't pretty enough, sexy enough, intellegent enough, dignified enough. That is why I share, why I write these long arse posts, why I ask questions and why I am trying to embrace my own definition of what I find acceptable. 

I want to teach my children that beauty etc is not one size fits all. Sexy is not 1 dimensional. Sexy is about more than an outside appearance. Posing is just one way of showing the essence of feeling in a particular way, but the person feeling the particular way does not need to look ONE way. Can we end up in a world where women of all shapes and sizes share their bodies, without it being a negative? Can we become so self assured, less comparative, that another female form will not threaten our own worth or dignity and create a disconnect with our own selves and actually help create more of a connection to themselves?

We have the power to change what we think about the ideologies that come with certain thoughts that have been forced upon us by society. If we cannot change a society's way of thinking, we can focus individually, on our own attachments to thoughts. If we start with ourselves, we start with everybody...

As I believe we are all one.

Namaste! ;) 

Reality Vs Reality

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After seeing someone post a pic of a good pose vs a bad pose, & then go on in the same post how much she hated that she was doing this cos 'she shouldn't have to' and that shes soooooo bored of these posts on IG. I swiftly unfollwed her. (That will teach her...not) But for me, I don't have time for that kinda negative unawareness. 

I find it odd that some people just can't see the importance of these posts. Before food vs after food, pants pulled up vs pants pulled low, abs under spotlights vs abs under bad lights...

OK I get it, to some they seem like 'trend' following posts & whilst I see that point, I still kinda think "so what" so the fuck what if it IS a 'trend' it fucking should be. It should be a trend more so than all the Photoshop pics we see and have no fucking idea.  Can you see, I'm passionate about this (hence the swearing)

My feed is bombarded with 'best angles' & smooth skin & (my perspective) of the 'perfect' butt to waist ratio. It's filled with the likes of Katya Henry and Jen Setler, because I choose to follow them. 

Why? Because (woman crush Wednesday errrryday) and whilst I love 'hearting' those good angles that people have down,  I also NEED a dose of another reality sometimes. Why? Cos I'm a human, with an ego. An ego that if it sees too much of these seemingly perfecto human beans, gets slightly miffed at oneself for NOT having aforementioned hip to waist ratio or a smooth non dimply bum. I've spent yrs looking at smash Hits, then Bliss, to Hello, to Grazia, Stylist, Vogue... where these 'species' of women or more importantly, (these air brushed, good lit, angles) grace the pages. Years that cemented into my brain "gosh I don't look like that at all, whats wrong with me?" and as you get a bit older you realise, sort of, that there is nothing wrong with you at all, but that these images are largley altered to trick us into being insecure about ourselves so we can go buy into a multi billion dollar beauty/fitness industry. God forbid we think we are perfect already. We might just stop buying the hair products, the make up, the gym memberships... but i digress.

What I have found with IG is that I love going there for an all round, all aspect, kinda viewing. I choose to follow a mix of humans and yup, I follow Sommer Ray & her bottom pics, but I also follow women like Hannah Bower who show me they got butt, but they got butt dimples too. HALLAFUCKINUHJLA!!! And i tell u this now. One makes me feel better than the other. And yes, perhaps at 32 I should be grown enough to know that not ALL bums are like Katyas, & that at some angles she has dimples too, & that IG is a reel of peoples "best bits" Yeh yeh. But how do we change what the definition of "best bits" are if we don't see other peoples other angles, other versions of a shape or a skin type. Why would we think our own dimples are acceptable if we never see other peoples?

I know I should be aware & egoless enough, to not let (what we have been told is) perfection after perfection, get to me. We all know comparison is the thief of joy. My rational, sane, grown up self KNOWS these things. But ego/the chimp/vulnerability/the dark bits of ourselves... well, those bits forget. And when the dark bits of ourselves forget, we start to feel "less than." 

"I want that airbrushed bottom & abs that create shadows. I work out, why doesn't my body look like that?" That less than feeling may only last 2 minutes, it might last a few days. It might however have a subliminal lasting effect that lasts a lifetime on some younger humans. They may struggle with self image for another 15 to 30 yrs? Or forever. And nope, I am not saying stop following all those women who show u ALL their best angles, & we will never know if they have a back fat rolls or not, that's OK! Follow them, heart them, dribble over them. But also, take note of the fact that there are a lot of fitness accounts showing you some other stuff too. And those posts are so terribly important. Because as much as we like to see pretty perfected glossy things (our brains are tuned into) we need to see real, non perfected, stuff too, not so we can judge it or even make ourselves feel better, but so that we just remember, we are human, all with multifaceted angles. And that those angles are beautiful too. If we forget that or don't let that sync in, how are we gonna be happy with ourselves when we catch our cellulit'd thighs under the 12 o'clock sun. How are we ever gonna be satisfied if we sit down, see a fat roll and think we are the only ones & that we must be "abnormal/gross/unattractive" Perhaps if young girls see ALL these angles they wont feel so dissatisfied, so lonely, so hell bent on hating themselves & performing self sabotage non self lovey things like talking self hate in the mirror or going on diet after diet. 

Becauses when we don't feel alone, when we feel like we belong, when we feel like there is a community of people we fit in with, we feel connected, we feel human, we feel at home. 

I am not saying one version of account is better than the other. BOTH are reality. I think each set of humans get to decide what they want to do with their page. Lets not judge the other. If I choose to show only my best bits, (which I do sometimes) I'm not gonna judge the people that don't. Both have their place. a bit like we need cake for the soul, we also need some "cake" for the soul, knowwhatImsayin? *wink wink... but we also need those things we don't really like, but we know it's healthy. Those green beans we need, we need those like our body need to see some cellulite or back fat... it's just science... well i don't think it's science, but you get my point. BOTH and ALL angles are reality. Just because sometimes we pop our hip till it nearly falls off, doesn't mean that picture ISNT me. And i totally understand when someone shows you "hip misplacement vs hip in sane human place as it should be"

Now... I'm gonna go get my dose of smooth, plump, perky poses, but in the mix of that I hope this 'trend' of "sucking in vs letting tummy hang out," doesn't end, because for me and my soul, I wanna feel like I'm a fitness person, worthy of that title even though my belly looks like a donut sometimes, my back has fat & my butt houses dimples. Call it what you will. But I NEED those reminders! And you do too! 


Be Careful What You(re Ego) Wishes For:

During your fitness, health, well being journey, I'm pretty sure we all start with the wish for a better body, a better lifestyle, better strength, better feeling in our skin. As the new year rolls in we reflect on the past yr and we look to the future wishing to be able to put our wants into action and see results. We wish to be able to really do what we set out to do from January 1st when we make those resolutions and we swear blind that this year we are going to create a world and a life that we want to live and we wish so much so that we will have the stamina, the will power, the inclination to do that workout, eat that protein, avoid all those refined sugars.

We wish that come March 1st we are in a better place. Physically, mentally. And we mean it. So much so that we go into the new year with fire in our belly and a vigorous amount of 'go geddem' and pinterest quotes floating around our minds that there is no way on earth we will let anything get in our way... ever. Right?

And then something happens. Come Feb perhaps, some things seem harder. The struggle gets real. The will power weedles and the pinterest quotes seem like a distant memory on a board that you haven't pinned on for a while. 
What is that? What is it that keeps us from being the best versions of ourselves. That niggle in your brain that laughs when you say your gonna get up at 5.30am and do week 6 abs and arms, that moan and groan in your head when you tell yourself you're gonna choose the prawns and edamame salad rather than the cheesey melt club sandwich. What is that defiant firm strop that your soul does when you will it to only eat one or two scoops of ice cream, but all you hear is 'live yo life. The whole tub is fine, what are you? A boring fart face? What will you regret more on your death bed? The icecream? Or not eating the icecream?"

Ahhh that familiar voice that rears it's ugly, impure head during this journey so many times you've lost count.

You might think you wish for a better bod/lifestyle/healthy mindset. But your ego. Well, that's another matter. Your ego will wish for something else.

Ever wondered why you can't stick to something. Why if you know it will do you good, if the result will be worth it, why you can't just do the nessessary to get there? Or at least be on your way?

That will be your ego.

I don't mean ego in the sense of 'omg that person is so arrogant he must have a massive ego." I'm talking about the ego in ourselves that is not our pure consciousness. The mind part of ourselves that niggles away at us. You could say is the excuses version of ourselves. The mean, unwilling, stubborn, narcissistic, insecure, lost version of who we are. The version that is likely to blame, accuse, point fingers at, because the ego always wants you to second-guess your true self and rely on things outside your consciousness for contentment. It fears giving up control, so it wants to keep you in a low vibrational state at all times to avoid 'being found out' We may think that the ego needs to be huge, pimped up (pahahahah spell check error) "pumped" up, therefore will want to get fit, change for the better, look "better" therefore would enable and encourage you to "keep on keep going"??? You'd thimk... but actually


Deep down your ego fears failure so strongly that it will keep you held back in the dark, cold, vulnerable hole in your mind and it will make you feel comfy there. This is where you have a snuggly blanket & familiar things around you. That place in your mind might seem cold and scary, but really, your safe there. Imagine going on an adventure outside this dank, cocooned place you've become accustomed to, and imagine you fell, tripped, couldn't see where you were going, never made it to where you were going? That is unfathomable to your ego and therefore, loves it when you stay put, in that comfort zone of yours, reverting back to pizza for breakfast andself hate talk. Because self hate talk will keep you where you've always been, will keep you who you are (or decided to be) and in that space, failure isn't an option because you never really tried. 

Have you ever wondered if you really do want to change?

The ego and you do not conciously have this discussion. If you were aware of these thoughts, the ego would not win time and time again. So this all happens under the radar. Something niggling in you. These under the radar thoughts have been building up for a long time. The thoughts about hating your body, wishing it were someone else's, the thoughts that one more cheese burger won't hurt or that you are not worthy of the body you deserve. These thoughts have been building up for a really long time. They will not disperse in a day, a month, a yr. These thoughts are what hold us back and are able to do so because they are programmed time and time again and it will take a lot of unprogramming to get rid of. 

It all comes down to the feeling of not being good enough. A lack of self worth. The ego has taken moments in time that made you feel insecure and vulnerable and it made the choice to believe "you got dumped therefore your shit" "you don't fit into those tammy girl shorts therefore you're not good enough" "You don't have blonde, straight hair like all your friends therefore you don't fit in" You fed it those snippets of information a long time ago, it heard them, believed them and then molded your future thoughts upon them.

The ego loves to find everything wrong with a situation or person, yourself included. In doing so it can feel justified in feeling the way it does. Feeding off of the negatives to reinforce the thoughts that we are not good enough. "See, you ate the cake, you ARE the weak person we decided you were all those yrs ago" "See, you can't do that lunge, pahahhaa why did you even try"

The ego wants glory, it wants instant gratification. It wants power. And what better way to get that than by reinforcing those negative thoughts it thinks. Failing the diet, stopping the gym, having you cry your heart out because you feel crap in your skin, all of that is drama that it can feed off. 
You know those people that go back to the same man that treats them like rubbish and cheats on them, and you as a friend can't for the life of you imagine why? 
Or those people that always seem negative, down, and things always go wrong for them and you wonder how on earth they always have bad luck. 
Or the people who moan about the job they hate, or the body they are in and they moan and cry and it hurts them day in day out. But they don't do anything to change it and you can't fathom what really holds them there? 
We look at ourselves in the mirror and we can't figure out why we ourselves can't or won't change if we are so utterly unhappy. 

All of these things have to have some sort of payoff. Or we wouldn't keep doing it. That would be ridiculous. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting something to change? That's Insanity. But we do it. Every Jan we go on that diet, join that gym, eat low cals, only to get bored and binge and eat all the foods, stop all the gym, for another few months only to start the 1200 cals again n all the classes again because summer is coming and then... we repeat that cycle and we pull our hair out not knowing why our bodies don't change or why we haven't got the results or why we cant. just. get. what. we . want.

Deep down we like to be victims. I know this might make some of us angry and we may get defensive and disagree. That's OK.  But if your reading the above and thinking any of it sounds like you, id ask you to take it in and really ask yourself. What is the pay off of never getting the results I want?

The woman who stays in the horrible cheating relationship. Perhaps the drama somehow makes her feel special? He cheats, she finds out, she argues with him, he begs for her back, she stays. Cos she then feels loved. Fought for. Being a victim to horrible behavior often makes us feel righteous. "How dare he treat me like that, I deserve better" and yet, even though she does deserve better, she stays. Feeling like the victim often makes us feel aligned with the decision we have made about who we are, way way back when. That thought you had when you were 11 and your 1st ever boyfriend dumped you in the playground and you cried, cos you felt you weren't good enough? This boyfriend twenty years later is just reinforcing that thought that your not in fact, good enough. And your ego feels proud to have proof of such a thought and such an identity. So, you stay, to reinforce that time and time again.

If you got the results you wanted? Who would you be? What would you think about yourself? What would others think about you? What if you tried and you failed? What if you did all the things Kayla Itsines, Jo Wicks, Nikki Blacketter, your PT, told you to do and you didn't end up where you 'assumed/expected'? What if you did? What fear do you have about being the person you want to be?

My fears (ego) rears it's head regularly. The fear that if I was to be the sort of person who exercises and eats well, id be boring. If I got lean and tight, people would think I was vein. If I tried bbg and dint look like some of the transformations In 12 weeks, id be a disappointment. If I did see results, how would I keep them?

Sometimes I look at how my lifestyle has changed. The Xmas day exercise I did, the big mac I've not eaten in 3 yrs, the long arse IG posts I put out there, and the fear that runs through my bones is still so strong. The question, of who am I? How did I become this person? Do I want to be this person? Should I be this person pops up. and it makes me shit myself. 

Not recognizing yourself, being different to who you expected to be. Who you told yourself you were. Going against the thoughts that made you who you were, the stpry you have been reinforcing time and time again, being so far removed from the idea that you created for yourself when you were younger. All of that is so so so scary that the ego wants to hand you that comfort blanket and not have you be any different to the thought you had about yourself aged 14 in your bikini on the beach next to that really lean, tight, petite girl who you decided was your bench mark of beauty and who you really needed to be. But trying to be it, would clash with the egos thought that 'you are not worthy of that' and therefore for 15 yrs and more, what my soul wanted and what my ego wanted were two very different things.

The self fulfilling prophecy:  A self-fulfilling prophecy occurs when a belief that is untrue influences the behavior of people in such a way that the belief becomes true in the end.

Your beliefs and perceptions about yourself and the world around you, create your reality. Think of all the things you say about yourself and about your life either directly to yourself or indirectly with the people around you.

These thoughts...

I am boring, I am less than, I am un deserving of love, a good life, a good relationship, a healthy body. These thoughts change how you treat yourself as well as how others treat you. And when you think these negatives, and people treat you (YOU treat you) accordingly, it then that reinforces your belief. This is what your ego likes. You might think it would like you to thrive. But it just wants to mark it's stake in the ground for the thoughts you decided upon that make you feel less than.

Becoming at one with yourself, with the world, liking who you are, seeing yourself for more than just a body, for feeling comfortable in your skin, that's a threat to the ego because the ego is separate from everything else. It is an 'I" whereas being at one with yourself makes the ego shrivel up and wither away. And that is its worst ideal to come into fruition for the ego.

So yes, there are practical and logical things to implement in your life that will see you results. 
Progressive overload, eating more protein, sticking to a program, being active daily, less refined sugar... those things you hear fitness Instagrams say and you take note, you decide to buy someones new program and you feel motivated to really give it a go and change for the better. For your bikini bod, for your mental state, for your own sanity. Because that is what YOU want!!!

But none of these things will be easy to stick to unless we figure out what our ego will try to do to stop us, and why. Until we are aware that our own selves will somehow try to sabotage our results, it will be harder when the mind tells us to skip that workout or forget all the lifestyle choices we were gonna do for a better self. What is the pay off for NOT seeing the results you want?

Ask yourself, what do you get out of NOT changing your lifestyle. 

I know all of this may seem mumbo jumbo'y but when I started to ask these questions and really think about what was holding me back, that's when things started to change. That's when I kept on going. Because being aware of the silliness that was my ego, seeing it for what it was, meant that I could ignore it time and time again.

Want to see results in 2017? Look further than what you eat and how you exercise. It might just make that one teeny bit of difference.

I'll share with you some scary thoughts I never really wanted to admit to myself a few years back. And I would love if you would comment below and share yours or even just what you might think about this post. I truly believe opening up to one another and sharing the scary bits, help our progress. Knowing we are not alone. Knowing that we are not silly for thinking these things. But also knowing that we CAN change to be the best versions of ourselves. Hearing other people stories, connecting, relating to them. It's the only way that has kept my journey going as positively as it has. So despite it may seeming cringey, these questons I asked myself gave me answers to who I thought I was, what held me back from being more me, more authentic, more open to change for the better. 

What do you think about yourself? If you leave a group of people who you've just met, to discuss you when you go, what do they say?
I will share 1st... when I leave the room I think people think I am boring, a try hard, up myself.  
What do you think of people who watch what they eat, exercise regularly.
I think they are often boring, trying to hard, up themselves.
What if we fail? What will happen to us, what will that mean? 
If I do not succeed I will have wasted my time, I will be less than I was when I started, it will be embarrassing trying so hard and then failing. I will seem like a mug.
What thoughts have we had since we were young about what we look like? 
I don't fit in, I am thick with no shape and no waist and therefore feel unattractive, less than, and non dainty, because when I saw that girl around the pool I decided she had the perfect body and she was petite.
What do we really want? Who do we really want to be? What holds us back truly? 
I want to be open, authentic, liked. I fear that I am unlikeable. So I resist from putting myself out there sometimes

The only way I could push past these thoughts were being aware of them, realizing they were not facts, and making new thoughts. At first I found I had to fake it till I made it. But changing those thoughts about myself to positive ones enabled me to see this journey through long term. It enabled me to open up, be brave with my Instagram account, share, stop yoyo dieting, get a job I loved, help my relationship grow, made me make better food choices, exercise and be active daily. I stopped being scared of being boring, I started to believe I was likeable (and it being OK to not be liked by everyone) I started to have self worth, belief.

If we can begin to believe that we deserve a good lifestyle, a healthy body, to feel good in our skin. If we believe that its OK to be scared but to not let the fear win, if we keep practicing those lunges even though we are bad, if we keep opting for healthier lunches even after we eat cheesecake for breakfast... after some time... we will look back at our negative ego ridden self that held us back, and wonder how on earth we let it make such horrid choices for us time and time again. We will then be able to wish for the things we really want, whilst ignoring the things our ego wants.

Take care of YOU first. The real you. Not the you your ego wants you to believe you are. You are capable of all the things you want. So go get them! 



Being Fit: What Does That Mean?

Please note I write these posts on the tube, on the bus, on the loo. They are not essays for the spelling police. If you hate bad grammar and spelling, I'd advise you to walk away. I'm sorry. But this is just mind farts blurted out as I think on paper. If you don't mind bad spelling, read away :) 
Monday morning check in January 9th 2017

Monday morning check in January 9th 2017

A topic of conversation the other day with a friend got onto the fact that she had begun to eat organic eggs (for health reasons) despite her being "vegan" for a good while. She talked of how she was slightly embarrassed or knew that some people in the "vegan world" would ridicule her/shame her. Which led us on to talking about how some people on social media (in real life too) lie, mainly because they give themselves a label and then feel guilty of faltering from it. 
I think the same is said for people in the fitness industry. When I entered this world of fitness, which ultimately meant, training consistently and mindfully eating nutricious foods consistently, I remember thinking that was it. There was no way back. If I was making this decision I couldn't faulter or back track because that would be like giving up on the diet. And I was so bored of that, I didn't wanna be that person anymore. So now I was committed to being a "real" fitness person. One that ate clean, never binged, trained at 110% all the time. This was magnified greatly when I got a fitness IG account. You start by posting smoothie bowls or nutribulleted green veg. You bird's eye view your dinner to hold yourself accountable and also to share your way of life. You take transformation pics to share your progress, to encourage others, to boost your own motivation, to be your own competition. And it's all fab. You keep making that progression, you are "fitness" in all its glory and this.is.your.life!
And then, real life comes in, hits you im the face and reminds you that nope, you must sometimes get ill, you need to ease off all that training, you need to eat some 'soul food' cos you've been getting rathe grumpy on just "clean, whole foods" Your friends are going for drinks, why don't you join them? 
"Well I said that I was ya know, a fitness person and like, fitness people don't do that stuff. They have the will power of an Ox and they have fun without drinking, drinking is for loosers and I have to be in the gym anyways, cos... I can't miss a workout, if I do, I'll let the whole team down"


The idea when smothering yourself in a world that is not a world your familiar with, is to immerse yourself so deep that it becomes your world. I get it. I needed it. I needed to be at the forefront of it all. I wanted to be *insert any IG fitspo account here. Not for their millions of followers or their free #womensbest protein but because they were "fitness" personified. They were what it was all about. They were lean all yr round. They had got to a position where they had done the hard work, managed to achieve the body they desired and then they managed to stay there, maintaining there fitspirational Physique day in day out, if not, bettering it as time went on. You'd read things in their posts about how they just don't crave chocolate, and they eat with no restrictions so they never binge. They love getting up at 5am to workout because... endorphin's. They have a burger and they don't bloat the next day because, well, because they are angels from the fitcamp, and then I started to question, would I ever be that? Hold on... did I want to be... wait a second, were they even all they said they were?

Here's what I want to share with you.

The number of followers someone has does not determine how immersed in the fitness world they are. Some people have 10 million followers, aren't PT certified, and they may have not ever even deadlifted (shock horror) that's OK. That's not to say they are not worthy of their fitspo status. They may still be fit. 
The amount of abs on show, 2/12/0 does not determine how healthy you are, or if you really are working out 7 days a week. 
If you eat burgers and bloat, that doesn't mean you're not living a fitness led lifestyle. Jeez just cos you ate the burger at all, it doesn't mean your not allowed into the "fitness community"
If you do cardio even though people are shaming such an exercise etc, that doesn't mean your doing it wrong. If your not doing #bbg or your not squatting double your weight or you avoid hiit, or you have never seen glute muscles, biceps, or a V line... that's ok. You are still allowed to say your into fitness.
If you haven't got a big bottom, it doesn't mean you should go suddenly start hip thrusting your way to Khloe Kardashian but bum cheeks... I mean, because I'm telling you, kick backs, and resistence bands won't get you that butt anyways, surgery might help but kick backs, those alone won't cut it...

I am grateful for my genetics, but I wasn't always 

I am grateful for my genetics, but I wasn't always 

Because this is my point. You might read that these people lead this life, or see that these things make you 'fit' You might feel like your failing just because you can't get it all right or do it all week, or avoid all the foods. You might feel shamed into lying about the eggs you ate or the pizza you scoffed or the workout you didn't do. You may even post throw backs to the time when you were leaner, because you don't want to disappoint the lean bean fitness gods.

For a good while after comp I felt like a fraud. 

I felt like I was failing my followers because I wanted to show them that you could stay lean (not comp lean) but fit and tight and muscly and whatever ideologies I had attached myself to, I wanted to be proof that I was what I was proclaiming to be, what I had wanted to be. A fitness person, a PT. Someone who coaches others and can get you on your journey because I was on mine. 
So when the abs started to hide and the fluff began to show up, I had a panic that I was not deserving of being in this world. 
It took a second, but not too long to remember why I started my account. Why I started my journey even. To share, relate, be motivated and also to motivate. And to be comfy in my skin. Leading a real life. I didn't want to become someone that was so into fitness that I forgot to have a life.

So here we are, 3 years into changing my life. Not avoiding the gym. 3 years since i promised myself id just try not to binge, no diet, but no binging/starve routine. This is me... and this is the reality of a life that includes some (a lot of) fitness, rather than fitness that includes "some" life. 
I train 6 days per week, I count macros, I haven't eaten a mac d's in exactly 3 yrs. I lift weights, I do some cardio, I eat protein and I avoid putting myself in vulnerable situations that may lead to triggers for binging... but... 
I have relapsed. I do eat processed food sometimes, I'm addicted to sugar. I don't buy chocolate bars but I will eat dessert, everyday and I don't stick to my macros, always. My will power slips often. I go out to eat a lot. I do have French fries with mayo and I also love at least one rest day. 
I am still leading a fit, healthy, life. And this is what it looks like (for me)

Stop comparing your fitness journey, your fit body, your lifestyle... to anyone else's. You are living it your way, for you. And however you look, I hope that whatever stage it's in, you know you are worthy and you are enough. Yes you can work on yourself, your body and progress and change and still have self love. That doesn't mean you cheated on the whole #loveyoself movement.  But nor does eating cheese on toast mean that you cheated on your fitness lifestyle. Allow yourself to be human whilst achieving your fitness goals. There is no exclusivity club we are all included in this journey. All of us learning from each of us. From the one with abs to the girl that doesn't lift, to the one that does all the spinning and to the vegan girl who eats eggs.

We are all doing the best we can. Together. A real fitness person doesnt just look like *insert IG fitspo here. They look like you. Like me. Like all of us!

A Week Of Eating: Week 1 Mini cut



2 slices of Medium hovis wholemeal bread

 1 tbsp lemon curd

4 egg whites scrambled & 50g raspberries


Grenede bar and soy flat white


150g prawns

with 140g cod

pan fried in stock with 100g cauliflower rice


130g Quorn chicken style pieces

In half can chopped toms

100g spinach & 100g frozen peas & 50g sweet potato

1 slice garlic bread 


Sugar free jelly made with unsweetened almond milk

10g peanut butter on top




30g oats with 75g soy yogurt & 50 frozen raspberries


100g quorn chicken pieces with 100g chopped toms

50g peas & 50 spinach with 100g sweet potato


Soya flat white

Grenede bar


Egg fried rice made with

100g tofu, 130g tuna with jalapenos, sundried tomatos, 100g cauliflower rice and one egg


sugar free jelly made with light coconut milk



Brekki burrito made with 

1 wholewheat tortilla wrap 

options hot choc with a splash almond milk to make spread, & 10g peanut butter

1 chopped apple and 2 egg whites, rolled into a burrito


4 fruitella sweets 

Soya flat white

1 small bag poshcorn


100g tofu & 130g tuna salad with 

100g sweet potato and cherry tomatoes


140g cod, with 

50g peas, 200g cauli rice 130g butternut squash stir fried together 

with added pea protein powder


170g 0% greek yogurt

1/2 Tbsp lemon curd



Overnight oats

30g oats, 100ml unsweetened almond milk 

soaked with 50g frozen berries 10ml lemon curd


Lunch at The Balck Penny Holborn


butter beans on sourdough with goats cheese & Poached egg and pesto with polenta hash


1 fillet salmon 

3 bournon biscuit

soya flat white


Tuna with mixed curry (the boyf bought home) and 100g cauliflower rice


grenede bar



 Shesupps protein shake made with unsweetened almond milk & 50g frozen berries


out at The Drake and Morgan 

Egg white omelette

with Smoked salmon & spinach a 1 tbsp butter


1 salmon fillet & 100g steamed butternut squash mash 

Aaaaaaat aaaaaat

5 Gin & slims, 2 tequila shots, 2 glasses red wine

3 kinder eggs

1 bag popcorn

2 slices hovis bread one with cheese & jam, 1 with melted cheese & ketchup 



Grenede Bar 

soya flat white


Tuna sald with capers, jalapenoes, cucumber and spoon light phillidelphia


1 fillet seabass, 1 fillet coley fish with homemade butternut squash sauce & courgette pasta


200g Holy Couch Ben & Jerrys


She supps protein smoothie with 50g frozen berries & unsweetened almond milk 

Late lunch/dinner

Homemade fish cakes 

aubergine fries & minted peas


Grenede bar 

Average weekly Macros:

Calories: 1735

Protein: 125

Carbs: 185

Fats: 55

Fibre: 27

This is at the top end of where my cut is meant to fall. I am aiming for anywhere between 1550 & 1750 with 130g protein, 150g carbs, 45g fats. But I never expect to hit my macros, or jump to lower cals really easily. My previous macros averages over the last 2 to 3 months fell at 1950 cals, 220g carbs, 100g protein and 65g fats. So the numbers above of my mini cut week are enough of a variant to make a difference. Don't beat yourself up for the nights out, for the biscuits or the ice cream. Above is where my life happened. I don't drink every week. And I always try to fit in, eating out and balancing. A mini cut did not mean that I only ate clean whole foods, or went really low on calories. This is NOT a diet. This is about body composition rather than "loosing weight" I think us girls are uneducated in this. Most of my clients come to me and this is what thet are confused with. They want to loose weight when in rality they need to just change their body composition.  Ie Grow more muscle, drop some fat and change your fat percentage. There can be two women weighing 140lb. One will be 30% body fat and the other 20%. Same weight yet, the 20% body fat woman will look aesthetically what my clients will be after. Its not a weight loss game. I can do a post on body composition if you would all like. So watch this space :) 

Goals for this week are... 

More protein, less eating out (mainly to save some money lol) Macro goals will be 1650ish cals 130g protein  165g carbs, 50g fats.

Disclaimer: These macros are specific to me and will not work for everyone. This is after years of figuring out my body likes and dislikes and what works for my goals. I am still learning also, so plaese do not think these calories or macros are something to follow for each individual. 

For help with your own personal macros and online coaching please check here xxx


A Week of Eating... Balance!



30g oats, 100g grated carrot, 200ml unsweetened almond milk, 15g peanut butter, 3 egg whites, 100g soy yogurt on top


120g Coley fish with 50g green beans, 50g peas


120g coley fish with 250g cauliflower ric seasoned, 50g peas, 50g green beans and 1/6 of a pesto bread from marks and spencers


Soy flat white, 10g cashew nuts, grenede carb killa bar, 20g salted caramel Naked nibbles

MACROS 1605 cals, 130g protein, 164g carbs, 45g fats



2 wholemeal toasts with 1 sachet low cal options hot choc mixed with splash almond milk spread


1 can tuna and 250g brocoli cous cous seasoned


150g prawns, 100g courgette, sauce made with 200g chopped toms, 50g steamed sweet potato, 100g steamed carrot and seasoning and 50g peas added. 


Grened bar, soy flat white, 2 peices of fudge, 5 mini chocolates, 30g biscuit spread (eaten with spoon) 15g peanut butter (eaten with spoon) 

MACROS: 1542 cals, 117g protein, 181g carbs, 43g fats



Smoked Salmon wholemeal bread sandwich with 15g light phillidelphia


70g blueberries, 20g dates 


Poached egg, smoked salmon on sourdough (ate out and guesstimated macros) 


2 fillets seabass with a sundried tom tepenade. French fires, mato and 1 G&T and 1 small glass red wine. Shared a lemon cheesecake. (ate out again and guesstimated macros) 

MACROS 2100cals, 98g protein, 205g carbs, 100g fats



170g 0% grrek yogurrt, 70g blueberies, 30g oats


150g sweet and smoky prawns 


M&S count on us tuna sandwich


140g cod with a homemade stew of chopped toms, stemed butternut squash and sweetcorn

Snacks: 2 x soy flat white, 25g almonds, 4 mini chocolates, 00g soy yogurt with 20g biscuit spread

MACROS: 1509cals, 130g protein, 160g carbs, 43g fats



2 wholemeal slices with 15g peanut butter sandwich


100g cod, 70g brocoli, some restaurant tomato sauce (ate out and guestimated macros)


150g sweet and smokey prawns, 100g spinach salad


3 small red wines, soy flat white, 6 mini chocolates, 2 x small sweet and salty popcorn, 20g biscuit spread

MACROS: 1770cals, 80g protein, 240g carbs, 52g fats



2 poached eggs, on 1 slice wholemeal,  slice wholemeal toast with marmalade and butter, half small box (17g) crunchy nut cornflakes in soya milk.


150g marks & spencer calamari with Marks Edamame and apple salad


4 x dominos veg pizza slices, 2 dominos cookies, 1 bag salt and vinegar crisps


3 dark choc cubes, 2x soy Costa Cortados (1 with 1 pump salted caramel syrup) grenede bar, hald a galaxy caramel

MACROS: 2320cals, 130g protein, 224g carbs, 100g fats

THe day after pizza and cookies

THe day after pizza and cookies



Grenede bar


Ploughmans salad with smoked salmon and smaoked mackeral, 1 bread roll, 50g cheese, 30g chutney (ate out so guesstimated macros)


30g oats, 170g 0% greek yogurt, grenede bar


1 bag salt and vinagar crisps

MACROS: 1730 cals, 117g protein, 160g carbs, 75g fats


CALS= 1800 (with a 100-200 constingency for guesstimates)


CARBS 190g,

FATS 65g,


This by no means least seems like a perfect week of eating. I could have had more fruit and more veg. I could have eaten out less, avoided wine, skipped the pizza. It does however fit my macros and calories allowance that I have set for my current goals. Fitness and health goals can look different. But health isn't always about food and physical health. For me it's about life choices and experiences. This week had me on tour for 3 days, a tour bus overnight where we were bought pizza and cookies and I wanted to indulge. My progress here is that I didn't eat the whole pizza that was given to me, or the whole box of cookies that I could have demolished twice over. 

I sacrificed some more exciting meals that I usually eat daily, because I ate out quite a few times and needed to make some meals more boring. I got in all my workouts, I got my protein in. I drank my water, I got my sleep, I saw friends and joined in with treating myself. Fitness would not have looked like this to me 3 years ago. This isn't a diet. I am not saying that this is the way to eat. Some people prefer cleaner foods, less flexible eating. For me. This way enables me to loose guilt, treat myself, find balance. On days where I went over some of my macros, I added them to different days and split the cost of the macros, as such, over three days, meaning no day had to be extremely low because I went extremely high. It's about averages. 

If you are interested in seeing results, not dieting, whilst still being able to eat chocolate and french fries. If you want a transition away from restriction, away from the binge starve routine, away from the guilt... 

Message me regarding online coaching or click here for more info.

Life is no fun when you can't eat pizza!!!

This weekend with a very serious face!!! lol

This weekend with a very serious face!!! lol

How to Start your fitness Journey-Getting comfortable in your Skin

Oooof this may turn into a biggun but I will try to keep this as precise as I can. (If you follow me on IG then you know that won't be possible... go get a cuppa and put your feet up) 

There's a few things to factor in when we talk about fitness/health/dieting journeys. And I talk about it here in my you tube post "Getting comfortable in your skin" I may repeat a few things over between the two posts, but I've figured now, that you can never say this stuff too much. I can never tell you to 'love your body' too many times. It's the no1 factor in this journey that will be the most important part and of course the most difficult. (Not for everyone but I'm guessing if something has led you to my IG/blog/youtube, learning to start loving your bod and getting comfy in your skin, that ethos, has somehow bought you here) 

I know, through training my own clients and through being my own coach, that loving my body is something I wanted as a prerequisite.  It was the aftermath. It's the bit that can wait till I've gotten the body of my dreams. It's the bit that will be a bonus. Loving myself will be a treat at the end of the journey, once I look like (INSERT NAME OF HUMAN WITH WHAT YOU THINK IS THE IDEAL BODY) 

When I ask clients what they really want during a consultation. I get a few answers...

No'1) I just wanna get a bit healthy, stronger and fitter.

No'2) Lose weight and tone up. It's what we all seem to want. The reason we schlog down the gym after work when we are tired, the reason we start diet after diet every Monday, the reason we follow soooo many fitness Instagrams or snapchats, why we read fitness blogs, why we watch Nikki Blacketter whilst doing our cardio for long lengths of time. 
We want to lose weight and get toned.

No'3) Motivation. They want someone to kick their butt, make sure they are doing the right things in the right form. Push them harder than they push themselves. This answer is sort of true. I have discovered in some scenarios, sub consciously sometimes it allows them, if they don't see results, to say "See, I even tried with a trainer, I am destined to not get the bod (I think) I want"

The first answer is true. People do want to get fitter and healthier. Especially stronger more now than ever before. But it's the answer people think us trainers want to hear the most. I do want to hear this, because of course, that's mega important. But if it's not the real focus or your real goal, taking this angle will not keep you motivated. If this isn't what drives you, me saying "you can do 10 press ups more than when you started, but you still look the same" may not be enough to keep you going. People may argue this, and even be annoyed at me for saying it, but loosing a dress size keeps people coming back far more than the ability to do 10 press ups (at the beginning) At some point it does change, but right there at the very beginning most of us seeking help from a trainer, want physical, obvious results. 

Answer no' 2 And is a more honest answer (as a generalisation), this is the answer that often we are even ashamed of admitting. Wanting to look better. Wanting to wear a smaller dress size, wanting to look leaner, tighter, weigh less, or more, have a bigger bum, a smaller waist, longer legs... (Because somewhere down the line some one told us what 'better' is and we believed them)

And these answers are great to know. Technically it's all I need to know. I can then get them in, give them a nutrition guide to read and follow and give them workouts that include progressive overload, strength, cardio, to hit all those goals. I can push them to do 2 more burpees, make sure they lift that heavier barbell, keep their form in check, ask them what they ate that week and advise them to *eat more protein, drink more water *eat less sweets

And it may work. Sometimes. When the client goes all in, gives there all. Actually reads the guide (cos who am I kidding, we often just scroll through these guides looking for the magic formula, the detailed food diary of things to eat exactly and be told what to buy, exactly. And when that's not there in black and white we shove it to the side and carry on eating, kind of, exactly how we do already, but maybe with a bit more protein because we got excited and bought the salted caramel Quest powder and it is basically dessert.

We can "start this journey" with guided help as many times as we like. We can say all the right things, we can go through a lot of the right motions. 

Of course we want to love our body...

but only if it looks 'better' first.

What is really going to make us read a guide and take on board the tips we are being told. What is really gonna get us to start it, and be consistent? What is going to stop us, stop starting and back and forthing? What is going to get us to actually eat more protein, eat less junk, do more exercise, day in day out (and not just for 12 weeks)

We want it right? Like reallllly badly. I wanted lean legs, an iddy biddy waist and to be compact, lean, petite, like so so so badly it hurt my soul. Enough that I cried about it more than I should. Enough that it made me grumpy, more than it should. It made me frustrated. It made me ashamed and embarrassed. It made me sad, way more than I ever thought it could or would. 

I wanted it, but I didn't quite have the umph to change it.

Of course I wanted to love my body...

but only if it looked 'better' first.

The 1st thing that should be asked when we are about to start setting out to reach our goals is! WHY?

Why did I want it so badly. Why did I/do I need to have a flat stomach with ab definition, thighs that don't touch, a butt that doesn't jiggle? Why do I want to start something that takes so much will power, motivation, time, effort, just to what? Look like someone on my phone screen as I scroll on by birdeye views of avo on toast and sausage legs on the beach to a girl that I deem to be, what? Is it perfect, beautiful, sexy? Is it "normal" Is it that I see them as normal and myself as abnormal? All the other girls I see, are they normal. Do I want to just fit in and to belong to a group that when I was growing up, I'm sire would have said "You can't sit with is" Is it that I want to wear a certain size dress in Zara (a small would be nice, not an effing large, who are these girls they make clothes for? AHHHHH the normal ones)Is it that I want to see someone in a magazine that represents me, who i can relate to? And if I couldn't find them, then it must be me that's got it wrong right? I needed to change!?! Why wasI chasing a standard that I have been told is "the standard" Who decided that? The social constructs that are forced around us to be (smaller,leaner, tighter, curvier, firmer, stronger, better?)

And unfortunately, instead of asking myself if this was right, acceptable. I asked myself...

Why can't I get what I am chasing so hard for? Why was it always my conundrum. I wanted someone to give me the answer. I wanted someone who had seen results to tell me exactly what I was doing wrong. Why couldn't I stay consistent? Why couldn't I lose the fat? Why couldn't I get toned? Be petite? Why couldn't I not eat 4000 a day if I wanted to? Why couldn't I be one of those people that went to the gym and enjoyed it? Did anyone really enjoy it? I suspected not. And the real gripe wasn't really that. It was more along the lines of...


"Why wasn't I born, blessed with the perfect body... and the ability to eat what I wanted FFS"

Ahhhh... the self pity "I want the perfect body" mmode! The perfect body, an idea, a figment of our imagination, a perspective that changes as much as IG's algorithm.

Dam it!

My mum said to me once... what if you could "either click your fingers and have the body you want but you would still feel like this, or you could click them, have the same body you have now, but be truly happy with it?"

I remember exactly where I was standing when she asked. I had just tried on a bikini for an up and coming trip to Vegas. I had lost some weight (but evidently to me) not enough. I had thrown a tantrum and cried because why did I not look better? Like Jessica Simpson in the 'boots are made for walking' video or like 'Kayla' id done her BBG plan for 6 weeks. SIX. Why did I not look like I'd just come from the Angel's catwalk for goodness sake? And then my mum, frustrated, upset, at a loss of how to address this, asked me that question about what I would choose and I felt tricked. She was tricking me. Because I knew what I was 'meant' to say. But I couldn't.  Because I dint mean it. At that particular time on my journey I would rather the former. Get the body I wanted and be unhappy. I dint want to get happy with my body I had. I hated the body I had.

Would anyone ever effing understand?

This fundamental was the reason I didn't progress for a long time after that exchange with my mum. Every time I lost a bit of weight, or did well with sticking to low calories, I'd get bored, frustrated, inpatient. I wasn't getting the body I was after, even when I did reach the low number on the scale, I still wasn't happy. I would inconsistently work out, I would try a few weeks of Kayla here and there, I would still attempt to only eat 1200 calories most of the time, and then binge all the other times. I didn't want to be happy with what I had already. I was resisting it so so much, which in turn meant that all my energy went on resisting, rather than focusing on what I really needed to do to make a change. Therefore I would be lazy, unstructured. I wouldn't educate myself, I wouldn't put in the actual effort. I wanted a 'better' body (because? I still hadn't got to that yet) and I wanted to get it in the easiest way possible. It's just that the easy way, doesn't last or, actually make us happy!

It was a year, many restarts, relapses and trips to Vegas (boozing), Italy (carbing) and Thailand (Bucketing) later, before I would even begin a journey that saw results physically. And the year leading up to that consisted on a lot of non physical work that is still being done everyday. Mental gains shall we say lol.

This day in Italy I cried because of how I felt in my skin. I sucked in so hard, took this pic and then was a miserable cow for most of the day when i didn't see Jessica Albas body staring right back.

This day in Italy I cried because of how I felt in my skin. I sucked in so hard, took this pic and then was a miserable cow for most of the day when i didn't see Jessica Albas body staring right back.

When we get down to the nitty gritty, of why clients are willing to hand over a massive chunk of their monthly pay cheque to me. It hs nothing to do with them wanting to look like Beyonce or Rosie Huntington Whitley. The truth is, deep down. We just want to be comfortable in our skin. We think we want a thigh gap but, really, we just want to love our bods the way we love Kaylas. The fact that we don't have to look like that in order to love it, never occurred to me. And when my mum pointed that out, it was so absurd and so offensive that the mere mention of loving my narrow hips, square waist, big bottom, thigh chaffing thighs... devastated me. It broke me.

This is not to say it is not possible. It is doable. 

But if you think heading to the gym consistently, or choosing the chicken and veg and not the cheesy pasta 8 times out of 10, is difficult... you haven't even begun to try looking at yourself in the mirror and asking why it's so important to change your body aesthetically, to tell yourself you love YOU no matter what shape you are, and risk, getting so OK with your body that you may never end up looking the way you think it should.

It's so hard, that it is the reason we don't all walk around ecstatic with our lot (even though we should), the lifestyle isn't totally easy otherwise we would all be walking around like The Pussy Cat Dolls or wait... let me think of a currant girl band... errrm, Fith Harmony? (Ugh when did I get this old? lol) And really there is no shoulda/woulda/coulda about this journey. There are a million and twenty one different ways to do it. My way won't be YOUR way, your way might not be the same as the girl in the gym that looks like she doesn't need to be there) We all have a right, and a journey to discover, that will lead you to so many different epiphanies about you and your body.

Are you willing to take the time to discover them? Or are you looking for a 12 week programme that will change your body. If so, this isn't the post that will help you. No quick fixes here I'm afraid!

If you are looking for more than that then continue below xxx

I will do a post on all of the below points if you guys want me to.

1) Ask yourself why you want it so bad?

2) Ask yourself why its so hard to get it?

And if these answers don't come, to physically start making changes to your lifestyle here are some more tips...

3) Pick your fights with your indulgences. Dinner with friends and having pizza seems far more fun than pizza on my own from sainsburys one week night. The goats cheese tart looks way better than any of the desserts on the menu. Unless there is a salted caramel one, then if so, have the dessert and forego the tart. 

4) Take your time. add in activity bit by bit, take out non nutritious food, here and there rather than in one go.

5) Be consistent. Go to the gym/do more, consistently. Not just bouts of 6 times a week and then one week off. 3 times a week over a month is better than 6 times a week for 2 weeks. Even though it is the same amount of  sessions, going 3 times a week is going to keep you coming back week in week out because it is manageable, far more than 6 times when it may all become overwhelming and you may burn yourself out.

6) Find your triggers. If drinking a hot drink, makes you associate with biscuits, either stop the hot drinks, or find healthier versions of the biscuits. If walking into a news agents and buying a choc bar leads you to crisps, and pizza and avoiding the gym, avoid the news agents and make a choc treat at home. If a buffet scenario means you will go lose your shit and eat all the foods, find ways to plan for it, make room for it. It might be avoiding a work buffet for your first few weeks/months of the journey. Or taking some of your own snacks, or giving yourself permission to eat the food, and let it go afterwards. Sometimes we cannot change or avoid our triggers, but accepting them helps. 

7) Find activity you enjoy, healthy food you like. If you do not like chicken and brocoli, don't eat it. If you hate the treadmill, find other LIIS (steady state cardio) If you hate lifting heavy weights, find a programme that involves different versions of resistance work, like BBG. If you don't like BBG, then try getting some PR's on lifting really heavy things. 

8) Find the things you are willing to sacrifice (cos there needs to be some if you want to make changes) Maybe you can sacrifice the wine at dinner and have the pudding instead. Maybe you will eat tuna and egg white omelette (all the protein) for a couple of days because you know you are going out on Friday night. Maybe you will sacrifice watching Greys Anatomy because you have a Boxfit class one night. (Record it don't miss it) 

9) Do some research, educate yourself, learn about the exercise you are starting and the food you are eating and why. Go on Pinterest and find recopies, be creative, try new things. Type into the search engine, healthy banana bread and try the recipe. Search for healthy lunches or healthy toast toppings and create a pin board of things that inspire you to eat better. 

10) Don't let yourself be lazy. Find a structure and a routine. Be it waking up 30 minutes early to do a workout 3 times a week. Or take pictures of your pretty smoothie bowl you found on pinterest because then you can post it and feel like you are being held accountable by sharing your new eating habits. Don't be lazy and just rely on your PT to kick your butt, or the canteen to make healthy food, or your friends to support you when you feel unmotivated. Push yourself. Fight for what it is you want. Don't make excuses, make choices that will enable you to lead a lifestyle that works for you and helps you feel better in your skin. Some pages that help me are... The Glute Guy, Soheefit, Layne Norton, Sigma Nutrition and T nation.

Above all... try not to focus on changing the skin you are in, but getting comfortable in it. Let the look of the body become a prerequisite of loving it first.

Check out my you tube video that talks about steps to make in getting comfy in your skin, and getting the body you think you want (or not) Share it/thumbs up it/comment on it if you relate or have any questions at all. 

Sending lots of good vibes.

Fanni xxx